Hello everyone.
I suddenly got the urge the other day to write some comedy sketches, even though it's not something I've done since that charity revue in my 6th form, just over half my life ago.
Anyway, here's the first one I did, I'd be fascinated to hear what you say about it. Oh, and don't be scared of beiong critical: I'm a music journalist, I can dish it out and so I ought to be able to take it!
Cheers
....
IVAN: Hear this! I, Ivan the Wise welcome thee, Ranald the Valiant, to this council.
RANALD: Well met, Ivan the Wise.
IVAN: My welcome to the meadbench I also extend unto you, Elspeth the Dour.
ELSPETH: (Deep sigh) Greetings.
IVAN: Who would stand before this mighty congress for judgement?
CONAN: I
IVAN: Ha ha! If it isn't my old battle brother, Conan the Barbarian! Hail, swordmaster!
CONAN: Right, yes, hail.
RANALD: What ails thee, Conan the Barbarian?
CONAN: Well, basically, that.
IVAN: I, Ivan the Wise, cannot perceive your meaning, Conan the Barbarian.
CONAN: You're doing it again. I don't like being called Conan the Barbarian, I think it's patronising.
IVAN: You must explain your meaning, my companion in war.
CONAN: Well, look, you're Ivan the Wise, right? And next to you is the Ranald the Valiant.
RANALD: And you're Conan the Barbarian, the bloodiest blade in the northern -
CONAN: Yes, yes, that's all very well, but nobody would know it from my name, would they? All you can tell from my little sobriquet is that I was born in Barbary. I mean, that doesn't define me. Barbarian isn't who I am, it's just incidental biographical data.
ELSPETH: So, how would you rather be named, O great Conan the...person asking about his name?
CONAN: I don't know, something more...how about Conan the Pillager? Conan the Dread? Conan the Indiscriminate Rapist? These are things people associate with me, not random bits of my birth certificate. To just be known as a man who comes from somewhere makes me feel unappreciated, and I've...I've lost confidence as a result.
RANALD: I feel I can solve this quandary, my friends. Surely "Barbarian" does mean those things.
CONAN: What?
IVAN: Barbarians are synonymous with bad behaviour. Pillage, rape, and so on. It's a sort of shorthand to say "Barbarian" when you mean naughty person.
CONAN: That just makes it worse! Are you equating my whole nation with nefarious activity?
IVAN: Well...
CONAN: I thought you were just patronising me, but it turns out you're prejudiced against all of us. Hey, how would you like it if I started imputing that your nation was full of ne'erdowells?
IVAN: Nobody would say that about the Vandals.
CONAN: Well, maybe not, but you wouldn't like it. And, Elspeth, what if I started swanning about making generalisations about the Goths?
ELSPETH: I'd be sad.
CONAN: Exactly! So, I propose a change: stop making rash judgments about your colleagues' backgrounds, and don't confuse the things that make them different from you with the things that make them special. It's a simple question of respect.
RANALD: Well spoken, Conan the Egalitarian!
ELSPETH: I feel sad I've been so blinkered over the years. So very sad.
IVAN: I decree we shall follow Conan's sage advice from hereon. Let it be recorded for the annals! Bring forth the scribe! Who is our cleric today?
RANALD: Steve the Ginger Cripple. But he's gone home sick.
CONAN: Bloody typical of his sort.
