Dingly Dell.
Once upon a time, down in the magic garden at Dingly-Dell, Grumpy and Bigears were sitting playing 'find-the-stone'.
It was a beautiful summer's afternoon at the sacred site, and the two wrinkled old trolls were engrossed in their game. The sun was shining benificently uponst their backs, the magic bird was singing its strange song: "b-bleep b-bleepity bleep!", and the Spirit imbued them with a cool power, as they sat there in silence and spliffed most deeply.
Peace...
Tranquillity...
Senility.
The stone glinted in the air as Bigears deftly tossed it up and away, onto the sacred site. Grumpy was on it like a shot, like a fly to sh... ummm... like a sparrow to a breadcrumb.
Bigears just smiled. It was far too much effort for him to actually utter any words, he was far too trashed...and he just made that revered sound, the sacred chant that he always made in such circumstances, before he fell over:
"Huuuuuuuuuuughie... RAAAAAAAAAAALPH!"
Grumpy just looked out into Infinity, with a glazed expression plastered across his face, a bemused smile upon his lips. Zonked he was, as sure as sure can be...even surer than that, even, was he, to be sure, very.
A thought appeared in Bigears' head, out of nowhere. "Shame about Ethel and the slugs..." he found himself mumbling automatically.
"What's that?" replied Grumpy, in a stupor.
"Ethel and the slugs..." repeated Bigears. " 'twas a great shame..."
"What happened?" asked Grumpy.
"Well, you didst put down the blue poison, didn't thee?" replied his friend. "And Ethel and the slugs all got ill and died, didst they not ?"
Grumpy looked dark for an instant.
"Did you 'witness' this event whilst ye were a-toking in a chain-like manner?" he asked.
"No! No!" asserted his friend. "I had not been a-smoking of ANY hash nor marijuana atall!"
"That's strange..." said Grumpy, rubbing his chin. "For 'tis not like the thee that know I so well...and all the gnomes have disappeared too..."
"And the goldfish AND the frogs..." added his friend.
"Hmmm..." said Grumpy, thoughtfully. "Well, there must be something going on. if ye verily weren't of thy box out of, then I know not what 'tis, might be, nor shall come to bear..."
"Eh?" said Bigears.
"Not got a clue, have I..." explained Grumpy.
"Well, yes! You must be right!" exclaimed his friend in reply. "Because I DEFINITELY a-puffing of the sacred herb had not been. no...definitely not. only the sweet and tender flowers known as mushrooms had I smoked...the big bright red ones with white bits on them...about three of those...and some other long ones. well, they looked tiny when I first saw them, but they didst grow most strange and grotesque and long as I my eyes laid on their bizarre and wondrous transmogrifications... and some 'black oil of the poppy'...that dark brown sticky stuff. only two or three pipes, mind! Definitely no herb nor derivative of the indica of cannabis didst I partake of. Oh...and nine or ten flagons of the nectar that sparkles..."
"The one from the land of the supermarkets?" interjected Grumpy grumpily.
"Yes! Wondrous water of life! A cascade of golden jewels breaking over rivers of pearls!" replied his friend, in a daze of ecstasy (the drug). "Tis marvellous to be alive in these happy, eternal times! Lovéd-up am I! and the bells shall ring out in heaven! A golden choir of fairies shall proclaim these times as LOVE! That's all you need, and..."
"So you're telling me that ye hadn't had any dope, only a load of mushrooms, and other stuff?" interjected Grumpy grumpily again.
"No, no!" asserted his friend. "There was the acid, as well..."
Grumpy tried to stand in a forthright manner. He fell over, flat on his face...ab-so-lute-ly blasted were he.
"Come on..." he said to his friend as he dragged himself painfully to his feet. "Let's sorted this get..."
"But finished we haven't our game yet!" protested his friend. "And your go it be!"
Grumpy picked up the sacred stone and flung it far, far, far away into the heavens. They both watched as it soared flashing through the skies, and landed in the forbidden valley of Bevois.
"I win..." said Grumpy moodily, as they started off on the long trek to Dangle-Dongle land, past the old woman who, despite modern economic trends, and the flagrant attempted-bribings of allsorts, still refused to leave her shoe. Deep, deep into the dark forest of New, past the gingerbread house, into the old wardrobe, and back out again, through the glade of the three little pigs, past the castle of Rapunzel, paying a groat to Charon to navigate the treacherous waters of the Styx, on past Cerberus, up the magic beanstalk, tiptoeing past the Sleeping Beauty, out onto the plain of Grabthar's Hammer, until, finally, they found it. There it was, lone and brooding...
'The Tree of Doom'.
They stopped for an instant to gather their wits, for 'twas a most serious undertaking they had chosen.
Grumpy had to tug really hard to prise his friend's bear-hug from the lone example of arboreality.
"But I LOVE THEE, I LOVE THEE..." Bigears gushed to the tree, as he was pulled away.
"Are thee full of the joys of the ambrosia known as 'E', by any chance?" asked Grumpy.
"Only three!" shouted Bigears with joy, as he leapt up and tried to fly up! up! away! away! to the roof of the earth! through the clouds! to the beaks of eagles!!
"Ow!" he shouted, as he bumped his head on the tree, as Grumpy pulled him into the ancient hollow.
"Come thee on, Big..." said Grumpy amiably for once. "Thou shalt verily like it down here. Now...where that table it be?"
Once inside, 'twas a completely different world...and there, just as was written in the sacred chronicles, right in the middle of the room, was the table...and uponst the table sat two artefacts: a bottle, and a large smoking implement of the Bifta variety...and uponst the bottle, just as was written in all the legends, was a label which said:
"Drink Me".
..and written uponst the length of the Spliffus Giganticus were those immortal words:
"Smoke Me".
"This looks good!" said Bigears, brightly. "I'm beginning to like it here!"
"Careful and shrewd must we be..." said Grumpy, darkly. "For 'twere not never so bold as 'twere, nay, not never, no how..."
Bigears just looked on at the bottle...and as he peered at the subtly-glowing form, it reminded him of something: it was the curves.
"LOVE THEE I DO!" he screamed, as he clasped the bottle to his bosom.
"Oh, here it give, this instant!" said Grumpy grumpily again.
He held the golden bottle up to his lips, and a-deeply didst he quaff.
"Hey! Let me have some!" said Bigears, worriedly. "Save some for me!"
Grumpy passed the bottle to his friend, and then using his old flint matchbox, he set the sacred stick of herb alight, and a-deeply didst he toke. They swapped over again, and then again, and the... agai... aga. ga. ga.. dnkznkiki...
Splurbbble...bdum-dee-dum ... snkisnki... hurblyburblyburbly...
Bumbly-do-dee-do !
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Like!! Like!! Bumbley-bijj! Bumbley-bijj!
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
They were totally under the spell of the God of Wheeeeeeeeeeee!
This was fun!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
The molten clouds of candyglo fluffy bits burst into a crescendo of sparkling rainbow-coloured feathers of pure gold dust, and... and...
oooooooooh... whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaah!!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAH!!!
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
They bounced on, round-and-round.
Like!! Like!!
Fluffy bunnywinkles! Flopsy-dopsy, Pudding, and Popsy!!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
Birdybirdysingybirds!! Like!! Like!! Love!!Love!! Friends!! Friends!!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
The gondola made of chocolate sailed slowly past on the perspex lake, and the pink elephants all sang together as...
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Sparkly-sparkly birdybubbles!!! Pretty!! Pretty!! Like!! Like!! Love!! Love!!
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
"Hello you two!" said a voice, brightly.
They stopped their twirling, and looked down at their feet, red-faced, as the nice flower bent over and spoke to them.
[ooooooh....pretty...love...friend...nice friend...]
"What do you wish?" she asked the two burbling idiots.
"We wish to knoweth the Truth..." said Grumpy, coming to his senses.
"We wish to knoweth the Truth..." repeated Bigears.
The flower looked on, kindly.
"Do ye verily seek the Truth?" replied the nice flower. "Or seeketh ye the truth that fixéd be by poesy the laws of? Or this long-live minute Truth kept a strict regard for? Or seeketh ye the Truth that knoweth no answer, the Truth that, swept by the winds of yore, weepeth sore in Infinity? Or do ye verily seek the Truth that passeth all understanding? The Truth that stings, the Truth that dare not lie? Or seeketh ye the little-known 60s L.A. pop band known as 'The Truth'? Pray tell, goodly folk. seeketh ye the Truth that... ?"
"We want the Truth about Ethel and the slugs!" they sang in unison.
"Pray tell, dear, kind, trolls..." asked the nice flower. "Who be these 'Ethel and the Slugs'? When did they make the Charts? Were they like 'Martha and the Muffins'? Or were they..."
"No!" screamed Bigears, in exasperation.
"Ethel the hedgehog and the slugs, in the magic garden of Dingly-Dell, in the land of the Bleepity-Bleep bird, way, way beyond Dangle-Dongle land!" explained Grumpy.
"I see..." said the nice flower, softly. "Now I understand. Ye seeketh the Truth that stings, the Truth that, choking on a bitter blue pill, doth expire in agony. The Truth that, never knowing falsehood and deceit, rests assured in the power of the multiverse, softly weeping..."
"Oh whatever..." said Bigears, beginning to get exasperated.
"Like we would, to thusly know, of Ethel and the slugs, and the gnomes and frogs..." said Grumpy, in a grumpy manner. "Whither ply they their gentle passage? What soft pillow doth await their advent? Where be these fine, upstanding...?"
"Oh dear oh dear..." interrupted the nice flower. "Ye dost maketh me laugh sometimes, ye really dost most verily, so it be! The Truth ye seek lies not at MY feet! The Truth ye seek is, at this very moment in time, manifesting itself at that very same sacred site of the 'find-the-stone' ritual, where ye both play. Oh dear oh dear..."
The nice flower turned away to hide her giggles. After a moment she composed herself again. She turned to face the two strange trolls.
"Do thee wish that I transport thee this very instant, back to your homeland?" asked the nice flower, kindly. "Or would ye like the God of Wheeeeeeeeeee! to help ye again?"
'Twas ne'er any choice.
"The God of Wheeeeeeeeeeee! The God of Wheeeeeeeeeeee!" they cried in joyous unison.
Suddenly, Bigears found another Bifta Enorma in his mouth, already gaily glowing, a-sparkéd up. He looked over at Grumpy, intent on guzzling as much of the bottle as he could.
"Hey!" shouted Bigears. "Save some for me!" So swapped they did, and swapped again, and again, and.. agai.. ndd.. agagaga.. gnnnnnnn..
whooooa...whooooooa..
whoooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaa!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAH!!!
WOOOOOOOO-WOOOOOOOOO!!
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
Satsuma Milkmen, a host of goldenblack fish, gently swaying in the yellow mist of butter, and...
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
Like! Like! Love! Love! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
The molten porpoises leapt high! Up! Up! Up! and over the moon! and..
Like! Like!
Birdybirdysparklyspraybubblybubble!!! Love !! Love!!
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
They bounced on, round-and-round...and
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
BLIP!!
Suddenly, everything stopped moving. They slowly looked around, and to their astonishment, they found themselves in Grumpy's grotto, at the edge of the magic garden in Dingly-Dell. Their eyes slowly adjusted to the gloom, soft light whispering through the small window.
They could hear noises. It sounded like people talking, right outside the back door.
They crept over to the door and listened.
"Yeah...yeah...how munnyfhjyhcb ggwlg wxxjdh? And shall I get you three more jkcyqjntvpj vxxLJKWTXILWHJT'IOJV? jlaj fj jakljklj v just a farmer's, thanks, and jklaj jafdklgjkdjknakljlek...ok?"
They pressed right against the inner door to hear better, and as they did so, it all became clear.
Grumpy and Bigears heard the words in horror.
"It's a tenner a pellet...it'll blow your head off, man...yeah...it's a new type...blue...yeah...fat city baby..."
They both stood up, as they recognised the voice. It was Ethel.
It was Grumpy who opened the door, and made her jump up in fright.
"Oh..." said Ethel, looking very guilty indeed. "We thought, ummm...that you were...ummm...like...on holiday..."
The two wrinkled dead-beats looked at her sternly. It was all clear. Ethel the hedgehog had become a 'blue-crack' dealer, and as the two of them surveyed the scene outside, slugs zonked out under the forsythia, the frogs staggering to and from the magic pond to have a pee, the gnomes shagging Flopsy-Wopsy, Pudding and Popsy - and all of them seeming to be enjoying themselves, well...
They looked at each other with raised eyebrows. There were no words needed. It was all in the look.
They both turned back to face the hedgehog.
"So..." said Bigears slowly. "Is it really any good, then? What's it like? Have you got any to sell?"
"Of course I have!" said Ethel, frothing at the mouth.
"Fancy doing a swap?" asked Grumpy, in a grumpily sly way.
"What do you mean?" asked the hedgehog.
"Look..." said Grumpy. "Imbibeth thee of this here magic bottle, toketh thee most deeply and reverently of the 'bifta-that-soothes', and I'll introduce you to the God of Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!"
"Sounds good to me!" replied Ethel, as she guzzled on the bottle. Bigears got out his special 'power-pipe' and sparked up one of the strange blue rocks. Grumpy toked the toke-of-tokes from the enormous ssssssssssssssssssssssplifffffffffffffffffffff, anddddddddddd thennnnnnnnnnnneverythinggggggggggggggggggggggggggstaterateredereddddto get nm\j JKjej NGFKAJEM N.HS/n g/l alkj,we;ltk,.nzm /mLZm :EAjm, ajmag malmk;lgkam,g f,z,mvjn ,.\' kl;k av' jlm...
...and...
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
FLUFFY-WUFFY!!! BUMBLEY BIJJ!! Like !! Like !! Love!!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAH!!
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
They bounced on, round-and-round...
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZIIIPPPPPPPPPP!!
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
...and then...
...and then...
...and then they all lived happily ever after.
