CHARACTER REFERENCE FOR JOE BLOGGS
20/01/12
Dear Sir/Madam,
I would like to provide a character reference for Joe Bloggs, a former colleague of mine at [company]. I appreciate that you may not have had an application from him, but I felt it necessary to canvass every employer in the UK anyway.
Unfortunately, the news is not good.
I have spent almost four years as a helpdesk agent, supplying jobs to Joe on a daily basis, and I can honestly say that I would find a statue more reliable.
Listening/reading skills:
I would give him jobs by telephone, but due to him believing that he knows where every single one of our 600+ machines are, he fails to write the details down - either properly or at all.
He would then call back after finishing the job (somehow referring to the job enough for me to link it to the one I sent him to) so I can close the incident. About four days later we'd have a screaming end-user on the phone asking why we've ignored their request for help.
"Joe dun went to the wrong device again, DOH!"
He thinks he knows where it is, doesn't need the number, and ends up fixing the wrong one because that's where the device was last. He's seemingly unaware that we change the location of devices on a weekly basis - yet this is something that HE SUPERVISES.
I couldn't emphasise that enough, I'm sorry. Legitimately, he's one man, but the left half of his brain doesn't know what the right half's doing.
Over the years we have tried to address his inability to take down a job correctly and consistently, by doing the following:
1. Providing a pen and notepad and asking him to write the details down.
2. Sending him an Excel tracker of jobs.
The problems:
1. Forgets to take the pen/notepad with him, or loses them easily.
2. Complains daily that the tracker prints incorrectly - all that's needed is for him to reformat it a little, or fix the issue since HE'S THE GUY WE SEND OUT TO FIX COMPUTERS. Instead he doesn't bother taking the sheet with him and constantly calls the helpdesk so we have to re-iterate every bloody job that was already sent to him. Or, he loses the tracker. Anything but be GODDAMNED COMPETENT.
Computer literacy:
Joe has to update a stock tracker for us, once weekly. The tracker was designed for all departments related to this contract, so it contains formulas and is geared to towards end-of-month reporting. We use the tracker to replenish Joe's stock on a weekly basis. Joe was informed of this and advised on how to update it safely.
Every single week (if we're lucky enough to receive the tracker by the deadline), Joe appears to copy/paste the data from his own personal stock tracker - he doesn't even 'Paste Special' - thus overwriting the formulas and ****ing everything up.
So that takes us extra time repairing the formulas and formatting (yes, he updates the tracker in stupid fonts and colours, for some unknown reason). Once we're done accounting for the 'Joe factor', we've then got to order his stock. Some people like to go home at the end of our shifts, MORON.
Ego/wage envy:
Joe sometimes gets praised a lot (he would have us believe) for his efforts on-site. Yes he has some uses - apparently - when it's crunch time. I'm just not sure if he's absorbing credit meant for others nearby.
So he gets an ego, but there's also this constant undercurrent of wage envy. He's on about £1k or £2k less than we are. We all know this, Joe has told us many times. Joe could do our jobs, he insists. And because we have to work with him, we have no choice but to agree, so the boat keeps sailing. As soon as he's off the phone, he's an idiot.
But sometimes you do feel sorry for him. He's just another human being and we all make mistakes. You're on his side for about two minutes before he says something so utterly retarded that you have to slap yourself for ever feeling sorry for him again.
End-user perception:
The customer thinks he's more chatty than fixey, and that's not good when your job is fixey. The client is running a business. Your job's to fix PCs, not gossipless water coolers. Anyone who is friendly to him, is his new best friend, and he likes to 'make an effort' with the ones who entertain him with more than a "Please fix my PC.".
It can be quite annoying because sometimes we have to send Joe out on priority jobs. I.e. we're gonna get fined if we don't fix this device NOW. But no, someone was friendly to him so he's going to pop over there first and give them a bespoke service BEFORE attending the device that's about to catch fire. Thanks mate, nice to know you're keeping my promises for the company and screwing us out of a bonus this month!
I've even had customers release a dreading groan when I tell them that I'm sending Joe to their device. I mean, that's bad isn't it? A few of them have given me the impression that they hide when he arrives, or hurry to a fake meeting. And I don't blame them in the slightest.
The Helpful Hero:
It's Friday, about half an hour before closing. I mention to Joe (on the phone) that there's a machine down on our site, it needs a replacement part and we have none in the cupboard. I should've kept my mouth shut. He immediately offers to bring one from his stores first thing next Monday (his store is 7 miles away in the same city). I said "I've just remembered we can sort this out here mate, we can use one of the parts from a PC in the helpdesk to tide them over until the delivery comes next Tuesday.".
Joe insisted, and I re-asserted that we didn't need him to come up here as it'd been taken care of. As far as I was concerned, he wasn't coming. Monday hits and Joe comes into the helpdesk after delivering/installing the part to the customer's PC... without getting the customer to sign a sheet to say that they've received it. This is standard arse-covering procedure in case the customer claims that they never received it and eBay our stock.
I asked Joe to go back to the device to get a signature for the part/work. He refused. I insisted. He started shouting at me, claiming that he was just trying to be helpful and he felt unappreciated. "Don't try being helpful if you can't do your basic job properly. I advised you that you were not needed and you decided to ignore me and then failed to follow procedure.". The tension in the room was reaching boiling point, so to avoid a physical fight with the man, I said "I'm just going to leave this now..." and he replied "Yeah, because you know you're in the wrong.".
I think anyone, at that point, could've easily been compelled to see how far their fist could reach into a man's body AND TEAR OUT HIS ****ING SPLEEN, but I'm the bigger man. Let him have his crazy.
Memory/consistency:
Briefly covered in the "Listening/reading skills" section, I'd say the man's memory is on it's way out ...or he's just lazy when it comes to following silly little things like SECURITY PROTOCOL.
My job evolved to manage the daily requests for device exchanges and new installations, most of them taking place under Joe's watch (thanks for the sympathy).
I had to organise several departments and synchronise them all to provide a seamless 'event' for the customer. As far as I was concerned, the customer would simply see a new machine in their office with nothing but the wisp of our crew dashing in and out, rather than previous long drawn out affairs involving departments not doing their jobs properly.
My first challenge then was to keep Joe informed and on-task (maybe that was a good time to suicide). I created a tracker which laid out all of the from's and to's, the device numbers and serials, IP addresses etc. Everything any normal person (and complete idiot) needed to do his job. I even formatted it to print correctly, so that's another thing Joe couldn't throw back in my face.
On several occasions, and despite him doing this aspect of his job twice weekly (every single ****ing week for a year+), Joe managed to fail device installs right off the bat, by (you guessed it) not having the Install tracker with him. As a result he failed to follow procedure because he'd have to make sure that the device was picking up the same IP address as what's on the tracker. Instead he just blagged it and rolled out devices that could be clashing with others on the network - I have seen this bring down entire networks before.
The delivery crews have said that they'd get their job done a lot faster if we didn't send Joe to oversee the activity. One them said "He's.... he's gone.".
Authority/paranoia:
The credit crunch made us all fear for our jobs, and Joe was no exception. The management had requested that Joe document all of the jobs he was doing so that they could justify employing him if the guillotine came down our department. Joe interpreted this request as a way for the management to fire him. Apparently he didn't feel as though he did enough to warrant keeping his job, when the opposite was true. So against all logic, he refused to write down what he did - therefore making it look like he did nothing. Talk about self-fulfilling paranoia!
Anyone who has the unfortunate role of managing Joe is the enemy. As stated previously, Joe doesn't make mistakes - he's The Helpful Hero, remember! The common theme here is that the person managing him has a certain quality about them, in that they're competent on a basic level. So when you pitch basic competence against a man who's only competent at being a deluded mentalist, you're off on the wrong foot from the start.
Joe's compliance and competence (of what little there is) kind of improves the more he likes you. I say 'improves', in that I mean he's happier emotionally, while still being totally useless. So I guess we get less phone calls from him whining about his current manager, his salary, his debts etc.. and he's actually spending more time doing his ****ing job.
I suppose I could've spent all my time pandering to this fool, just to make the days go faster, but when my arse is on the line (***t rolls downhill, and Joe's at the bottom of the pile, protected by The Helpdesk Shield), I have no problem riding him for results and selling him out at every available opportunity - unless Joe had no influence on the **** up (strange how this only applies when he's on holiday).
I've seen Joe have a succession of managers, and the only one he liked was the one who didn't shine a light on his mistakes. I was never officially his manager, but as a person who gave a ***t about the service we provided, and as a person who had to give this guy jobs, I was no exception to being the enemy.
I took some time off once and heard that he had referred to me as 'poisonous' during a team meeting. You know what? I don't care. If 'poisonous' is giving a ***t about the quality of work we're producing, then I'm poisonous. If 'poisonous' is trying to improve the service by highlighting better ways of working, then I'm poisonous. If 'poisonous' means losing my ***t every now and again over the same stupid mistakes that cause my arse to be dragged over hot coals for four years running, YOU BET I'M ****ING POISONOUS. I'M SATURATED WITH YOUR TOXIC IMCOMPETENCE, MOTHER****ER.
So this guy's worried that he's got no friends in this company, and his paranoia is SPOT ON. We just can't confirm it because we like getting paid. Fortunately, I no longer work there and can let loose (with a little self-censoring to avoid future charges of slander, I hope). Rest assured, this guy knows who he is... well no actually, he's a moron who thinks he's a spotless employee, and an asset to the business. Sadly, while anecdotal evidence demands that this man be fired and never hired, employment law does not make it easy to label him as 'dispensable' at this time. Folklore however, as established hereon in, does.
Conclusion:
In a way, this man is classic comedy material for the workplace. The problem starts when your promises rely on him keeping them.
I recently found his CV online, and initially didn't think much of it until I saw lines like "sent and received emails" and "used my own initiative to produce the work" as bullet-point achievements!!!
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I'll finish with a story of the comedy to be had as a result of employing this man. I almost don't want to tell you in case you do something mad such as hire him. On your grave be it...
At some point in any given year, Joe has one of his 'fits'. He'll take umbrage with a minor detail or 'incident' and blow it up out of all proportion, which ends with him and all the top managers in a meeting, who feel like they must pander to this clearly unstable chap. It's almost as if he's suddenly developed a new physical disability and the managers rush in to install ramps over stairs and handrails in his stores. But this man has no physical disability, he's ****ed in the head.
We had been given a proper line manager (we had managed ourselves in the years previous). A manager of the 'project' variety. They don't do details, that's your job to tell them when they ask (every five minutes). You don't even get their full attention when you're answering their pseudo-questions. I say 'pseudo-questions' because sometimes they just say things out loud, and you've no idea if they were being rhetorical, asking a question, or just failing to use their inner voice.
Margaret's management style appears to be based on her mothering skills. She's our mother and we're her ten year old sons. In a way, she's Joe with career, salary and competence. So you'd think I'd like her, no? Well... strengths be what they are, they came with a price. In that, I'd got two jobs to do and just needed to get on with it, but when she entered the helpdesk, batten down the hatches bitches, the whirlwind is here. The constant questions. The frequent requests for us to help her with basic PC administration. It felt like I was her P.A. at times. I made a rod for my own back, being so knowledgeable because I'd be there so long and out of the lot of us I had my 'eye on the ball'.
I've spoken with a lot people who Margaret's had contact with, and we're all on the same page - she's patronising. She doesn't listen properly and doesn't seem to realise when she ***ts on people. It's like there's no filter in her brain about what's appropriate to say out loud. I often liken her to a female Alan Partridge in this respect... she just doesn't know when too far is too far. That's another trait she and Joe share, but Joe's mind is in the gutter, which made it quite comical once when he inadvertently inferred that a female manager's job title sounded like she serviced people/worked the streets - to her face!
The minor incident that set Joe off was when Margaret was on the phone, thanking him for something. It was almost like she didn't know how to thank him properly and said "Well done, good boy.". My jaw dropped immediately - he's not gonna take that well! I was astounded at how patronising it came off. I saw no malice in Margaret, it was her classic Alan Partridge fumbling for words which turned into a semi-devastating insult. The best comedy. The man's in his mid-fifties, and she's well-donned him! Margaret used "well done" regularly and I used to mock her saying "I'm not your son!" or I'd say to the other guys in front of her "Guys, she's... she's well-donned me again.".
A couple of months went by and things came to a head, part of which was Joe's umbrage at Margaret's "good boy" comment. Unbeknownst to anyone but Joe, apparently this had struck a cord with him because he was bullied at school for being a dog due to his surname... 45 years ago. I guess the scars never healed. As the managers dealt with this debacle, they also requested for Joe to stop contacting the client with problems that he's having with his own managers. Yeah, if he's got a problem with you, he'll take it to your customers.
In all the commotion, I decided to conjure up a practical joke to highlight what a ****ing moron Joe is. I created an A4 sign stating that the contents of Joe's storage area was to be removed and the office closed. I signed it off as M. Goodby, (Margaret good boy) with the mobile phone number of a dog kennel. I had it laminated and got a colleague to drive us down to the site where he was based and stuck it to his door.
A couple of days had passed without a hint that Joe had seen the sign. Two days! It's on his front door! You can't miss it! I cracked, and asked him about the sign on his door (the one I shouldn't know about, since I don't work on his site and never go there). I even explained what was on the sign!
Mid-flow, I thought "I can save this.". So I played dumb and asked him what was on the sign - this is on the same call where I had just confessed to knowing it was there and what was on it!
I told him to advise Margaret (I made sure I said her name as she's his line manager, rather than him complaining to the client after being told not to). A couple of hours went by and we heard nothing, so I got on the phone with Joe. I asked him if he had told Margaret. He hadn't.
Joe: "I told you know who."
Me: "Who? Lynne?" (Margaret's manager).
Joe: "Nah... you know."
Me: "Sarah?" (Lynne's manager).
Joe: "No... Vicky."
Yeah, not two days after being told to bring any issues he's got to his own managers and NOT to the client, he goes straight to the ****ing client again. Joe was on his way to our top manager (Sarah) to advise her of the notice on his door so I told him not to bother. I had to call Sarah and explain what I'd done and apologised for putting her in this position. It was suggested that I call Vicky (the client) to apologise also.
I called Vicky and boy oh boy she was not pleased. It turns out that, taking time away from an important meeting between [my company] and herself, she called the dog kennels twice, shouting down the phone at this poor soul as to why they were about to move all of Joe's kit out of his office and close it.
Holy ***t, I've lost my job haven't I!? I explained the whole process to Margaret with a full smile on my face probably didn't help. I passed it off as me trying to cheer him up, which they all bought, except for the ones in the loop who knew that I just wanted to expose Joe for the idiot he is. In the end I got nothing but a "don't do that again". There's a benefit to being ultra competent, so that kinda gave me a free pass, I like to think. It was suggested that I buy some biscuits for Vicky as a peace offering, so I bought her a box of the ***ttiest biscuits I could find... because - **** 'em all! Unfortunately, my idea of ***t biscuits were everyone else's idea of posh expensive biscuits, so my plan backfired - but this time, in a good way.
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I hope that I've accurately conveyed the message that hiring Joe Bloggs will cost you in so many ways. If you receive an application from him, pretend your letter box/Inbox is broken and you never received it. Or at least try and be above-board and deny him because he's not suitable for the role. Anything, really, just so you don't have to put up with this ***t year in, year out. Joe's no quitter, he'll cling onto you and has enough smarts to bring you up for a disciplinary before you do him. Apparently he lost his last job because his colleagues convinced him to look at porn on work's computers, and then they shopped him for it. It's not just me. The moron has a history of not being wanted, and it makes my heart bleed. My heart's just not bleeding enough to ever see this man employed again.
