Gentle critique please! "Topical" sketch

Been sniffing around Newsrevue/Treason etc for a while.

Couple of successes, but fairly low hit rate.

Not sure how much is lack of self-editing and how much is lack of quality and how much is tone. Nice man at Treason pointed me here. So here I am. Please be gentle...

And to pre-empt more obvious points:
1) too long overall
2) dialogue section unnecessary (See point 1)

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SCENE: GEORGE OSBORNE STAGE RIGHT (SEATED) AND ED BALLS STAGE LEFT (STANDING), FACING EACH OTHER, REPRESENTING PARLIAMENTARY CHAMBER

ED:
Would my Right Honourable Friend the Chancellor please repeat his last point? I missed it because (SHOWBOATING) like the Bank of England Base Rate, (FLUFFS PUNCHLINE) he's not very interesting. (SITS. BEAT. STANDS) Sorry. "Like the Bank of England Base Rate", he hasn't got much interest. (DOES HENMAN-STYLE AIR PUNCH) Yes! Get in. (SITS. BEAT. STANDS. CLARKSON-STYLE DELIVERY) That was a pun, Osborne. A finance pun. About you being boring.

GEORGE:
(ASIDE, SLIGHTLY CAMP) Bitch. (STANDS. ALOUD, NOT CAMP) I'm pretty sure the Shadow Chancellor heard me the first time (SITS)

ED:
(STANDS) Pardon? (SITS)

GEORGE:
(STANDS) I'm pretty sure...Gah! (SITS)

ED:
(STANDS) Pardon? Ha! See! It's like I'm deaf. But I'm not really! Go on. Tell us about inflation or something. (SITS)

GEORGE:
(STANDS) Perhaps my Honourable Friend would like me to drop my trousers and pants and turn around, so he can slap my naked buttocks with his cock. Then he can show us just how in control of his own rate of "inflation" he actually is. (STAYS STANDING)

ED:
(UNDER BREATH) F**ker. (STANDS. ALOUD) Yeah? Well maybe I would. (STAYS STANDING)

GEORGE:
And maybe I'd enjoy it!

ED:
Maybe I'd enjoy it more! (SITS)

GEORGE:
Well, given that, when he was in power, my Right Honourable Friend spent most of his time pissing public money up against a wall, maybe he'd like to shove me against a wall and piss all over me, too! (SITS)

ED:
(STANDS) Maybe I would!

GEORGE:
(STANDS) And maybe I'd enjoy it!

ED:
Would you? (BEAT) Really?

GEORGE:
Might do.

ED:
(SWOONING) Oh, George!

GEORGE:
Oh Ed. Call me Gideon. I'm like the Bibles - when you need me you can always find me in a hotel room. You just need to slide my drawers open.

ED:
You? And Me? You think? But what will "they" say? (MOTIONS TO REST OF PARLIAMENT) It'll never work. We're from opposite sides of the tracks. You're a multi-millionaire aristocrat; and I'm just a very, very wealthy commoner.

GEORGE:
You know, Ed. I don't think any of us are really all that different. We all enjoy a night out on expenses. We're all happy to screw the unions on pay and conditions. We all pretend to give a toss every once in a while.

(THEY COME TOGETHER. SING TO TUNE OF 'I GOT YOU BABE' BY SONNY AND CHER)

GEORGE:THEY SAY I'M YOUNG AND I DON'T KNOW
THE THINGS TO DO TO MAKE THE UK GROW.

ED:WELL I DON'T KNOW IF ALL THAT'S TRUE,
'COS NOR DO I (SHRUGS). BUT GEORGIE, I'VE GOT YOU.

BOTH:BALLS.
I'VE GOT YOU, BALLS (ED: YOU'VE GOT ME, BALLS)
I'VE GOT YOU, BALLS (ED: YOU'VE GOT ME, BALLS)

GEORGE:MAYBE MY CUTS WON'T PAY THE RENT;
THAT'S DOWN TO YOU: THE MONEY'S ALL BEEN SPENT.

ED:I GUESS THAT'S TRUE: I SHOT MY LOAD
ON PFI, ON HOSPITALS AND ROADS.

BOTH:BALLS.
I'VE GOT YOU, BALLS (ED: YOU'VE GOT ME, BALLS)
I'VE GOT YOU, BALLS (ED: YOU'VE GOT ME, BALLS)

GEORGE:I'VE GOT ARABS IN MY SPRING.

ED:I'VE GOT PRESCOTT, YOU'VE GOT MENZIES.

GEORGE:WHEN TIMES ARE BAD, YOU PILE ON POUNDS.

ED:AT CAMPAIGN TIME, YOU'RE NEVER AROUND.

GEORGEO LET THEM SAY MY SUMS ARE WRONG,
I'LL DO MY WORST. BY GEORGE, YOU'LL PLAY ALONG!

ED:JUST READ YOUR BUDGET FROM YOUR BOX.
I'LL BE YOUR PAUPER. GEORGE, YOU'LL BE MY TOFF.

BOTH:BALLS
I'VE GOT YOU, BALLS (ED: YOU'VE GOT ME, BALLS)
I'VE GOT YOU, BALLS (ED: YOU'VE GOT ME, BALLS)

ED:I'VE GOT YOU: YOUR DOWNWARD TRENDS.

GEORGE:I'VE GOT YOU: YOUR TAX AND SPENDS.

ED:I'VE GOT YOU: YOUR CUTS, CUTS, CUTS.

GEORGE:I'VE GOT YOU: YOUR BOOM AND BUST.

ED:I'VE GOT YOU: THE TORY RIGHT.

GEORGE:I'VE GOT YOU: ALL BARK, NO BITE.

ED:I'VE GOT YOU NOW BROWN IS GONE.

GEORGE:I'VE GOT YOU: (GESTURES BEHIND HIM) AND BULLINGDON...

CLUB. (NOTE: THIS SUBSTITUTES NORMAL "BALLS" LINE)

BOTH:I'VE GOT YOU, BALLS (ED: YOU'VE GOT ME, BALLS)
I'VE GOT YOU, BALLS (ED: YOU'VE GOT ME, BALLS)
I'VE GOT YOU, BALLS (ED: YOU'VE GOT ME, BALLS)

(FINAL LINE DELIVERED SLOW CRESCENDO)

GEORGE:I'VE GOT YOU, (GEORGE GRIPS ED'S CROTCH WITH A ROUGH CUPPING ACTION. BEAT) BALLS.

EDWHISPERS) Squeeze tighter, George. Tighter!

(ED KISSES GEORGE ON THE FOREHEAD)

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END

Well, there's lesson 1: don't waste time trying to format the text in the post.

Ok first of all ditch all but the most basic directions. The actors prefer to do that themselves.

Secondly they almost never segue sketches into songs, songs or sketches is the usual rule.

Thirdly the sketch seems simple to the point of crudeness. Balls is a bit common and Gideon is a bit of a sadomasochist homosexual. Then comparing perversion with corruption.

You usually need to be saying about an actual story. The real story in the press has been Balls speech accepting Gideon's right about cuts.

Also its too long.

Your characterisation otherwise is good. Nice nippy lines and good characterisation.

Excellent. Thanks.

Your inference about an implied connection between sexuality and morality is particularly interesting. I had started from the unexpected accord between Chancellor & Shadow Chancellor recently and came up with an explanation that they were mismatched lovers, with one being more dominant (his views therefore prevailing). I embellished from there framing the piece with a childish Parliamentary exchange which takes an unexpected turn (with elements suggested by rumours I shan't repeat here). I hadn't intended any implication about homosexuality in general. I may need to be a bit more circumspect about that sort of thing.

Tha's drowned out a bit for me.

Also thematically it's the wrong way round. Balls was the one who looked submissive and weak.

Hmm. I accept the point. It is confused - the power relationship in the song is definitely in G's favour, but his goading of E into S&M has him in the "M" role. I shan't try to weasel out by with any cod-psychology about true underlying power relationships in S&M. Also don't want to sidetrack too far here. I was just protesting my innocence where I probably didn't need to.

*Takes deep breath. Disengages*

Quote: sootyj @ January 19 2012, 12:29 PM GMT

Ok first of all ditch all but the most basic directions.

View original

Sootyj speaks the truth.

Too many parentheses doth f**k the eye.