Hi - I had a verse play published a while ago and wanted to adapt part of it as a children's book. The idea is that the poetry will be around illustrations of the action. I would like some feedback on how it flows - whether people think it would appeal as a picture book et cetera... 
Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum
by Todd Barty
Welcome children, young and old.
Today a story will be told.
About porridge, greed, grandmas and crime,
All of those things that enliven bedtime.
We'll meet two girls, who I'm sure you've met before,
But I fear that there's a surprise in store.
Even though they're characters you've all heard about.
The popular versions leave a few things out.
But our story begins with three gentle creatures,
With paws, big noses and plush, furry features.
These folk would be heroes, if the stories were fair,
We are talking of Mum, Dad and Little bear.
A happy family, wholesome and stable,
They came in for supper, and sat at the table.
On this cold winter's morning, Mum Bear made a treat -
Three big scrumptious bowls of porridge to eat.
Little Bear dug in with a very large scoop,
And as soon as he ate it, he ran in a loop.
He tried to yell something, no one knew what.
He tried hard to say that the porridge was hot.
Dad said "Now my dearest, I know you're no fool,
But before we eat this, it needs time cool.
I know just what to do, while we wait for the goods,
Why don't we take a nice stroll in the woods."
Mum said "Dad Bear, what a clever idea -
and Little Bear needs the cold air, I fear!"
So off the Bears went, but they weren't to know
That their house would fall victim to a villain so low
That into their house she was going to steal,
And use their furniture, and steal their meal!
Yes, I speak of Goldilocks, and here's the scandal,
She's not a sweet girl, she's a terrible vandal,
She looks pretty and trustworthy, but to tell the truth,
She's a vicious delinquent, and very uncouth.
Goldilockpick, they called her, and with her crook's nous,
She jimmied the window on the bear's house.
She wasn't too bright, they'd not locked the door,
She crawled over the sill and fell to the floor.
She got herself up and cried "What is that smell -
It's something delicious that much I can tell!"
Then Gold saw the porridge and tried Dad's big pot -
But soon started gasping and squealed "That's too hot!"
Gold tried Mum Bear's porridge and quickly said "Yuk"!
It was far too cold - and she spat out the muck.
Gold saw Little Bear's bowl and took a big bite -
When she ate she cried out for joy, "Its just right!"
Then Goldilocks sighed, " I might take a seat -
Have a quick rest and put up my feet."
Mum's chair was big and soft and green,
Gold sunk in so deep, she could barely be seen!
She crawled out, and sat on Dad's rocking chair,
But she sat on a tack, and jumped in the air!
Little Bear's chair was the next one Gold found,
But it broke and the young thief on the ground!
Gold saw the seat, lying there in a heap,
and thought "What I really need is a sleep!"
So feeling full, this vile pest,
Went upstairs to take a rest.
To Little Bear's bed, the criminal adjourned,
A nasty surprise for the bears, when they returned.
Meanwhile, in another part of the wood,
Another young girl was up to no good.
She hid in the trees, and when travellers walked past,
She'd grab them and gag them and steal their stuff, fast.
When I say it, believe it, you've not misunderstood,
I speak of none other than Red Riding Hood.
Through the woods, Little Red Riding Hoodlum ran,
To hide pilfered goods with her criminal Gran.
But alas, the law had caught onto this game,
And sent an agent of renown and fame.
A well trained and sleek professional spy -
The suave Agent Wolf, from the FBI,
That's the Fairyland Bureau of Investigations,
Where Double O Wolf was quite a sensation.
While the grim Gran lay waiting for the wayward Red,
The bold action hero arrived there instead.
He shoted "Freeze grandma - make like Mother Hubbard -
Put your hands in the air and step into the cupboard!"
Gran croaked "You wait, you hairy beast -
You won't scare my Red in the least!"
But the Wolf locked her up, and followed his order -
He dressed up like Grandma to catch her Grand-Daughter.
And just as the Wolf had jumped into bed -
Who came to the door? Yes Little Red!
Red smiled, "Dear Gran, I've brought the spoils
Of my pilfering, iniquitous toils!
Delicious food, the finest, purest,
Stolen from a hapless tourist!"
The Wolf cooed, "Come closer, Red Riding Hood dear,
My ears have gone funny, it's quite hard to hear."
Red whispered, "My, Grandma - you've got a big nose."
"From a bee sting," Wolf countered, "I've had one of those".
"But tell me," Red questioned, "Why you've such big eyes."
"In case the police come," wolf answered, "They're my disguise."
"But, handcuffs," Red tembled, "I don't understand."
Wolf cried "All the better to cuff your hand!"
The Wolf cuffed the girl, without being violent,
And cried out in triumph "You've the right to remain silent!"
Then into the room, not a moment to soon,
Came Red's granny's henchman, an axe wielding goon.
A well known hunter, who everyone feared -
A quick swing of his axe, and the Wolf disappeared!
Red slipped off the cuffs and said "Thank you, Sir."
But what of Gran? Red did not forget her!
She went to the cupboard, and let her Gran out,
Gran cried "Hurrah!", and danced about.
Red squealed " Granny Dearest, I've brought you a present!",
Then presented her Gran with a big stolen pheasant.
"For supper!" she smiled, "Now, I bid you adieu -
I've more trinkets to swipe before the day's through!"
So Red Riding Hoodlum had beaten the wolf, to plunder another day,
At this point in the story, it seemed she would get away.
Let us not forget, though, our tale's other component,
The bears were coming home, to face their young opponent.
Unfortunately, they'd stayed out far too long.
Their plans to eat the porridge, by now had all gone wrong.
The bears, unexpectedly, had been walking for three hours,
And obviously, in that time, porridge left out sours.
Dad said "My dear, we took a while - three hours in fact, so surely,
If we eat that porridge now, we'd certainly feel poorly!"
Mum said "I'll make more - just sit down on your chairs."
But as she began, there were footsteps on the stairs.
The bears coming home had caused Goldilockpick to awaken,
Gung-ho, she burst into the room, the bears were very shaken.
She cried, "I'm Goldilockpick - put your hands up in the air!"
She tossed Mum Bear her basket and said "Put the porridge in there."
Mum Bear knew the porridge would make Gold feel unwell,
But she loaded up the porridge thinking, "Maybe I won't tell."
Gold hollered at the lady Bear, "You lump of fur, stop stalling!"
She snatched her basket off Mum Bear, her manners were appalling!
Not wanting to spare a minute more,
Gold leared at the Bears, and headed out the door.
Gold made for the woods, she thought she was ahead,
But up behind her, came Little Red.
She moved up quickly, and stuck out her boot,
She tripped Gold over and stole her loot.
But tripping skills, Gold didn't lack,
So she tripped Red and dragged her back.
Red gave such a piercing shout,
The bears heard the noise, and came running out.
Red knew she had to fight now, so,
She turned around to face her foe.
The stories don't say Gold was Red's rival,
But they fought each other for survival.
The woods always woke to the crashes and rattles
Of these two girls' fearsome battles.
"So Goldy," hissed Red, "A successful plunder?
It was running into me that was your blunder!
Will you give me the loot, without a sound,
Or do I have to push you around?"
Gold snarled "Little Red, out thieving, I see,
Well you made a mistake in crossing me.
Just stay back, you two-bit thief,
Or I'll do something beyond belief!"
Then Red rushed forward, to take Gold out,
This started another awesome bout,
When these two fought, they didn't fight fair,
They scratched and pulled each other's hair.
While the two girls rolled around on the floor,
Mum Bear ran to phone for the law.
Red reached for a weapon, and with a wham,
Got Gold in the face with strawberry jam.
Gold was angry, her face was a mess,
But now it was Red who was in distress.
Gold picked Red up off the ground,
Into the air, and spun her around.
This made Red dizzy, if truth be told.
But she got Goldilocks in a strangle hold!
Gold couldn't take it, she was feeling quite sore,
So, with a thud, she fell to the floor.
Red thought she had won, that this was the ending,
But she didn't know that Gold was pretending.
Gold reached in Red's basket, and with great force,
Smeared Red in the face with chocolate sauce.
Although she was angry Red kayoed Gold quick,
With a swift, well aimed blow from a long French bread stick!
Red called "Now that you're beaten, Goldilockpick,
I'll be taking your basket, so what did you nick?"
She saw the porridge and cried, "Its my wish!
Did you know that porridge is my favourite dish?"
As Little Red guzzled down bite after bite,
She suddenly felt that something wasn't right,
She'd always liked porridge, but now she'd learn,
Bad porridge makes your stomach turn,
She was looking green around the gill,
Because, by now, she felt quite ill.
She clutched her stomach, gave am "Hic!"
And cried, "I'm going to be sick!"
Little Red's stomach gave a groan,
She held her mouth, began to moan,
She turned from green, to red, to blue,
Then ran inside and found the loo.
Although she was ill, Red survived,
But she hadn't gone when two policemen arrived
One said "Little Red, we've been looking for you!"
And the other said, "Look its Goldilocks too -
We knew one day you'd have to fail,
And now you're headed off to jail!"
So now you know how things really went,
but how did these tales get so bent?
Well, while the two girls were behind prison bars,
They used the time to write their memoirs,
But they wrote what they wanted to write about,
So, for a start, they left each other out.
In the tale of Little Red Riding Hood,
The Wolf's the bad guy, and Red is good.
And reading the story of Goldilocks,
Gave the bears a few mean shocks.
Even though the girls had done the crime,
In a prison cell, they'd wasted no time.
They didn't lie there, complaining and whining,
So now that they're out, they're on tour - book signing!
Todd Barty