OK - put your guns away.
It's just for fun... 
Margery Pilkington-Brown (1)
The ugliest woman that ever was born
Was called Margery Pilkington-Brown
If an animal looked half as ugly as that
You would certainly have it put down.
She was born with a wart on the end of her nose
And no hair on her head, not a trace.
It's not that she lacked it a-plenty, jet black,
But it covered the whole of her face.
Her mother said, "Nurse, could you take it away.
It's a miniature monster from hell."
"Put a bag on its head," said the nurse, with a wave,
"If you need a supply, ring the bell."
Well, soon it was time to take Margery home
In a carrier bag in the boot.
She wondered if it would be kinder instead
To abandon the bag en- route.
She would have done too, if she hadn't got caught
By a man in the library loo.
"That's a terrible thing that you're doing," he said,
Can't you find it a home at the zoo?"
"It's ugly as sin," cried a fraught Mrs P,
"To see lions and tigers they'll pay,
Not a pug ugly troll with a splat for a face.
Have a heart. Let me flush it away."
"Well yes, as you say, it is very grotesque,
But this isn't the thing you should do.
You'll always regret it and wish you had not
Caused a blockage of hair in the loo."
So home Mrs Pilkington took the wee sprog
To a cupboard, until it was night.
She couldn't risk anyone catching a glance
Of poor Margery's face in the light.
When Mrs P's husband came back from his work
He exclaimed with a scowl, "What is that?
Has it crawled from a stone in the corner of hell,
Or been mauled overnight by the cat?"
"It's our baby, my dear," cried a hurt Mrs P,
In a trice, feeling rather endeared.
She may not be nice, but she's our flesh and blood
with my feet and your belly and beard.
"You're right, I suppose, but that huge warted nose
Wasn't gleaned from the blood of my kin.
Your mother's to blame. From the grave she has cursed
Us a baby as ugly as sin.
But she's ours, as you say, we can't give her away
So she'll stay as a Pilkington - Brown.
We'll give her a shave and a hat with a brim
And avoid going into the town.
