British Comedy Guide

That's Spooky!

Here's one I made earlier (much earlier)

MORE HAUNTED

Filmed with night vision camera.

THE FILM CREW CONSISTING OF EDITH, CARLOS, ERIC DeLALA, MALCOLM (CAMERA MAN) AND SOUND MAN ARE ENTERING A DARK, SPOOKY HOUSE, HESITANTLY.

EDITH: Can you feel that Carlos? Can anybody else feel that? It's gone so cold. My nipples are really hard. Can you feel that, Eric?

ERIC: Not yet, Edith. Mine are ok, but it is devilishly cold in here. Hold on, I'll see if I can get anything. (SHUTS EYES. HEAD HELD UPWARDS MAKING SMALL CIRCULAR MOTIONS) I feel something - I definitely feel something...

CARLOS: Edith, move away slightly from Eric. I think you may be interfering with his super-physic unnatural phenomenon receptors.

ERIC: I feel the spirit of a man-dwarf in the residual energy. It's quite evident he's benevolent, not malevolent. (BEAT) He searches here for the soul of his lost love.

CARLOS: Can you get a name, Eric? Can you ask your spirit guide, Eileen?

ERIC: Eileen doesn't always work Saturdays, Carlos, but I'll try.
(BEAT. EYES SHUT. PUTS FOREFINGERS TO TEMPLES) Eileen... Eileen, can you give me his name.
J... it's starts with J... Jon... Jon,...come on Eileen... try harder you dead-bag, harder... Johnny!... (SUCCESSFUL) it's Johnny!

EDITH: Can you get a sir name?

ERIC: (SQUINTING EYES. PAINFUL EXPRESSION) It...it begins with a C. Cor... Cor... Corbett! Johnny Corbett. (BEAT) They what, Eileen?... they used him as a doorstop. (ANGRY. UPSET) The monsters! He was stood for days and nights at a time, preventing the door from shutting onto the upper-class inhabitants of the house.

EVERYONE LOOKS DISMAYED.

EDITH: That's horrible. Poor, poor Johnny.

CARLOS: Who was his partner, Eric? Can you ask Eileen?

ERIC: (EYES SHUT. HEAD UPWARDS) Eileen...can you tell us who it is Johnny seeks?
What's that?... F...F...Fanny. He's looking for Fanny.

SUDDENLY, EDITH SWINGS AROUND.

EDITH: Over there...by the authentic Victorian mantelpiece with decorative detail ...I just saw an orb!

ERIC: I think that might have been Carlos' torch, Edith.

CARLOS: No, it couldn't have been. - my torch is in my pocket.

EDITH: Oh, is that your torch? (BEAT) Did you catch anything on camera, Malcolm.

MALCOLM: No, but something touched the back of my neck just now.

CARLOS: Did it feel as if it could have been Fanny making contact?

MALCOLM: I don't know...it was so quick.

ERIC: Did it come from nowhere and then disappear.

MALCOLM: (EAGER) Yes, yes. Do you know what it was?

CARLOS: Yes, a big black hairy spider, mate. It crawled inside your collar.

MALCOLM: Arrrrgh!

PICTURES GO HAYWIRE WHILE MALCOLM DROPS THE CAMERA MUTTERING PROFANITIES IN THE BACKGROUND. PICTURE GOES BLACK. PAUSE.

ERIC: Can someone fetch Danny, the highly trained security stroke first-aider man who knows what he's doing?

EDITH SCREAMS. BEAT.

EDITH: Was that your torch, Carlos?

FADE OUT

Share this page