SOOTYJ THE MILKMAN IS RIDING HIS MILKFLOAT DOWN A STREET IN A SKETCH
SOOTYJ THE MILKMAN WAVES AT YOU THE READER
SOOTYJ
Hello readers I haven't been around for a bit. How do you like my new milkfloat, I'm part of DaveyC's capitalist pig society!
WE SEE SOOTYJ'S MILKFLOAT IS BEING PULLED BY UNEMPLOYED SAILORS, LOLLY POP LADIES AND LIAM FOX FORMER DEFENCE SECRETARY AND ALLEGED INDESCREET HOMOSEXUALIST.
SOOTYJ FLOGS THEM WITH A BIG WHIP.
SOOTYJ
Mush you workless scum. Never mind red top, I'll give you all red bots!
A HUGE FINGER DESCENDS FROM THE HEAVENS AND JABS THE SIDE OF THE MILK FLOAT
OOV EARTH SHAKING VOICE OF SOOTYJ THE CRITIC
Get on with it you unfunny pastiche!
SOOTYJ THE MILKMAN
Sorry boss!
SOOTYJ THE MILKMAN HOPS OFF THE MILKFLOAT AND WALKS UPTO THE CURB WHERE TO STEREOTYPICAL PARTY GIRLS ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER.
SOOTYJ THE MILKMAN
Hello ladies!
PG1
FML so I was at the shops and I bought 3 million thongs. And 5 billion pairs of high heels.
PG2
Oh yeh well I got off with 2 thousand bar staff.
SOOTY THE MILKMAN
Oh dear
CAPTION
"Some time later"
PG1
FML FML FML
PG2
No! FML FML FML
SOOTYJ THE MILKMAN IS OPENLY WEEPING.
CAPTION
"Much later still."
SOOTYJ HAS GROWN A BEARD AND TURNED GRAY
PG1
So we're going to the club and then the other club and then the shitter with an exclusive guest list.
PG2
Then we'll buy some more thongs!
SOOTYJ THE MILKMAN
Aaaghh! I've taken all I can stand and I can't stands no more!
SOOTYJ WHIPS 2 PINT BOTTLES OFF THE MILKFLOAT AND PEGS IT AT THE 2 PGs EXPERTLY BEANING THEM ON THEIR EMPTY HEADS.
SOOTYJ THE MILKMAN
Shut up! Don't you dare start talking about flipping shopping, f**king or bloody guest lists!
SOOTYJ THE MILKMAN IS HOLDING A COW OVER HIS HEAD IN A THREATENING MANNER
PG1
What did we ever do?
PG2
We're endearing and hilarious. Who could ever get tired of hearing about our lives, oh FML.
SOOTYJ PUTS DOWN THE COW
SOOTYJ
The problem is you're just reflecting life. That's reportage at best. Comedy is about subverting and offering a flawed perspective life. For example in House of Wax and The Simple Life. Paris Hilton's life is amusingly reflected against either a trashy horror ouvre or the supposedly wholesome life of the American heartland. The 2 offering cracked reflections on each other.
PG1
Are you saying we're less funny than Paris Hilton?
PG2
FML and f**k her life!
SOOTYJ
Yes I'm afraid so. Or in Sex and the City. It's the inner life and real life issues, not to mention the realistic relationships. When reflected against the superficial obsessions with shopping and f**king. That amuses.
PG1
I've got a cracked reflection...I dropped my prada mirror.
PG2
And I've got no inner life. I had it cleared out with my last collonic irrigation.
PG1
Are you sure?
PG2 BENDS OVER FLIPPING UP HER STYLISH MINI SKIRT
PG1
Lets see if the sun shines out of there!
SOOTYJ
Wait don't do that! Oh knickers.
PG1 GOES TO GAZE UP PG2'S BACKSIDE
PG1 IS SUCKED UP AS "Thus spake Zarathustra plays"
THEN THE WHOLE STREET AND UNIVERSE INCLUDING PG1 ARE SUCKED UP PG'1'S BACKSIDE
LEAVING JUST SOOTYJ STANDING THERE LOOKING SHEEPISH
SOOTYJ
So there really was nothing except a vacum inside her.
AN ENORMOUS FINGER DESCENDS FROM NO WHERE AND JABS SOOTYJ IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD
SOOTYJ THE CRITIC (BOOMING)
You tit! You're paying for all of this.
SOOTYJ THE MILKMAN
Knickers
