Out of Control - last bit

Alright - so I'm still working on the middle bit that is up, and this won't make too much sense unless you've read the previous installments. This is quite rough... its literally what I've just typed out, but, in the spirit of workshopping - please read and give your honest feedback.

Epilogue

(The sitting room of the Shelley mansion. Bette, Ella's Mother, is there with Ella and Melanie. She is looking at a gossip magazine.)

Bette: Well I think its disgraceful... every time I think you've learned your lesson, Ella...

Ella: I was just trying to have fun... I didn't plan it.

Bette: You never pan it. You never think! I don't know how you're not ashamed.

Melanie: Oh, Mrs. Shelley, its not that serious...

Bette: Most people would be humiliated.

Melanie: But we don't care what these people say. Any press is good...

Ella: See, Mel's, like, the humiliation train... I'm just...

Melanie: A dopey carriage...

Ella: Are you saying I'm fat?

Bette: Well, Melanie, I don't see what either of you get out of this kind of attention.

Melanie: We showed Kirsty Shore who's da shit!

(Ella and Melanie laugh).

Flashback

(Ella and Melanie's motel room. It is dark. Ella and Mel are both in the King Sized bed, Tom is wrapped around Melanie and Keith is wrapped around Ella.)

Melanie: How did I end up with you?

Tom: Does it matter?

Melanie: Not really... What was you name again?

Keith: Does this mean we're on again?

Ella: Maybe, where's Kirsty?

(Outside on the lawn, Kirsty stands below the balcony of the suite.)

Kirsty: Keith, Keith! I know you're up there, Keith and if you don't...

(Suddenly, the sprinklers come on and drench her. She screams. Ella and Melanie see this through the window and laugh.)

I actually didn't get this at all.

No - doesn't fit as it is. Just looking for a way to wrap up the episode. I wonder if leaving out the bit with the Mother would make more sense. Maybe it just needs to end as they are dragged out of the nightclub? did you see my other 'Elevator' effort?

Well also that it's not, it's not engaging. It's a few characters I have no reason to care about reciting exactly what's happened.

Toddb maybe I'm the wrong person to be offering feedback, but this now seems to be a Greek Chorus about the Kardashians.

Like I say maybe you need to listen to other voices. But I think you need to strip this apart root and branch.

It's neither funny nor interesting. Apart from the earlier scene with the contranarrative butthat's it.

Well, that sounds like a good reason not to include the Mother yet - as the episode will have not time to really develop her. This, however, begs the question as to whether several important chacters to the series should not be introduced in the first episode.
There will always be an element of superficiality to these characters - I'm not amiming for Checkhov, I'm aiming for Restoration Comedy - but, hey, Restoration Comedy is closer to many modern sitcoms than Checkhov is. I do, of course, understand the need for depth and want there to be stakes that the audience can invest in that give it motion.
I'll continue to work on this - its early days and my chief purpose, first of all, was to nut out a plot.
Please - if you have time, check back on my other post for the updated 'elevator' scene.

Hey there.
Im going to sound sexist, which I assure you, Im really not, but why are you using female characters to actualise your comedy?
With obvious very high profile exceptions, its rare to see women driving humour forward in any aspect of comedy without a member of the opposite sex to spark off.
Also, women are generally less chaotic, anarchic, impulsive and physical, so you're cutting out four avenues of comedy with which to work from.
Still, I suppose you know what you're doing. Just my humble opinion.
Good luck
Paul

ps. Unless they are just part of a conglomerate cast and they aren't the main characters? Still though...
pps. I did read both.

Hi Paul,
I rather think that those few high profile exceptions speak volumes. Also, this concept is very tabloid inspired - the antics of various heiresses and pop stars in the press over the last few years are incredibly chaotic, impulsive, anarchic and physical. I have a lot of very close female friends in the 20-30 age group and believe me, their antics and conversations outside of the male gaze can make you blush - and are replete with comic potential. Perhaps you have not seen this side of life, but it has certainly given me plenty of good laughs.
What did you think of the comedy itself?

I've passed the feedback chores onto my chum Sootyj the milkman

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/23358#P834265

Wow - I've never had a sketch written to parody me before - and how many writers have a parody written of their first draft? That has to be some kind of landmark!
Anyway - I get where you're coming from. I am currently doing some surgery on scene four onwards. I reposted my new elevator scene in 'Critique' on its own - don't know if you saw...