Out of Control - continued. Feedback please!

Hi - I posted the first part of this script yesterday. Here is some more - it is a first draft! There is a short epilogue yet to come. The stage directions are important - this is very physical. Please read and provide feedback.

Scene Four

Ella: That was humiliating! I bet Kirsty's spread it all over Facebook by now...

Melanie: Oh, shut up, Ella!

Ella: I just know that bitch Kirsty will tell all all her friends... FML!

Melanie: They're all whores, Ella.

Ella: Hello - that's what they say about us!

Melanie: Well, that's just because we get more sex!

Ella: And now I'm getting my tits felt up by my best friend in public... and she's getting her tits
felt up by Keith... (Ella sobs.)

Melanie: Oh, Ella... babe... don't get upset. Bev's gonna help us...

Ella: Who is she?

Melanie: She's a stylist - she moved up here a few years back.

Ella: Who's she done?

Melanie: Well, I've never asked her that...

Ella: No, celebrities, Mel! Who's she dressed?

Melanie: Oh, umm... Nick Kidman, I think, I know Miranda Kerr, Nikki Webster, Jen Hawkins,
The Veronicas...for a while.. anyway she's going to put us in gorgeous dresses and we're
going to go clubbing, and if the photographers are there they'll just see us looking
... (she makes a sizzling 'sss' sound) hot, babe.

(Bev enters. She is a slightly bohemian looking woman of about fifty who looks like she has had a
facelift. She wears too much make-up. She Has a tray of drinks for the three of them).

Bev: Melanie... my little poppet...
Melanie: Auntie Bev!

Bev: Look at you all grown up - I only ever see you in the magazines now. Its nice to see you
fully dressed.

Melanie: Bev, this is my Ella, she's my bff.

Bev: Beef?

Melanie: My friend.

Bev: Ah, yes, I recognise you darling, another tabloid naturist.

Ella: Hi, thanks for helping us...

Bev: Ah, no trouble, no trouble... shall I put this on your mother's account, Mel?

Melanie: Yeah... whatever.

Bev: Now I have some of the newest things out for you two girls! No one else has them, they're
one of a kind and they're quite the statement!

Ella: We wanna look classy, Bev.

Bev: Oh, well... I'll do my best...

Scene Five

(Ella and Mel are standing in front of a mirror. Both wear dresses that are very short and feature excesses of bows of bead-work et cetera. Again, the shoes are ridiculous. Their hair is styled into large, seductive curls.)

Mel: Bev, you are a genius!

Bev: There - have another drink.

(She provides them with more drinks.)

Ella: Are you sure about this?

Melanie: We are so hot right now.

Ella: I don't want to look like a slut.

Bev: Oh, you won't dear... just don't bend over...

Scene Six

(A very cool looking night club in Surfer's Paradise. Ella and Melanie totter over to a couch with their drinks. They are wearing the outfits from the last scene. They approach large sofa that is quite low and very plush. It will be difficult to sit down and get up again in their dresses. Both hold their drinks out away from them, use their other hand to hold down their dresses. The process takes a moment. They eventually sit very quickly, hitting their heads together. They sink into the couch more than expected, and their feet cannot touch the floor.)

Ella: Ah...

Melanie: Ooh, you alright?

Ella: Yeah - just my head.

Melanie: Oh, well, drink up.

Ella: Where did you hear about this place?

Melanie: Hilton.

Ella: The concierge?

Melanie: No Paris Hilton - she liked this place.

Ella: Was that guy there on "Australian Idol"?

Melanie: Him? He grabbed my arse at the bar.

Ella: Did you slap him?

Melanie: No! I gave him my number.

Ella: Is that his friend?

Melanie: I know, hot right!

Ella: Check out the bulge!

Melanie: Its gotta be his cock or his wallet - good news either way!

Ella: Do you wanna go over?

Melanie: Yeah -come on!, drink that!

(Ella and Mel skull the drinks they have.)

Melanie: Alright...

Ella: Mel, help me up so I don't flash the whole room.

Melanie: What about me?

Ella: You get up, I'll hold your dress down.

(Melanie wriggles up, with Ella holding her dress down.)
Melanie: Come on!

(Melanie pulls Ella up by one arm as she holds her dress down with the other. They stumble and fall into a waiter who is carrying a tray of shots.)

Ella: Ah, FML!

Melanie: So much for not flashing the room.

(Just then, the two men they have been looking at walk past.)

Melanie's Guy: (To the waiter.) I'll take care of those mate. (Hands him some money).

Ella's Guy: You ladies alright?

Ella: Oh, yeah - awkward!

(He helps Ella up. The other assists Melanie.)

Ella's Guy: What were you drinking?

Ella: Cosmo's...

Melanie: But we wanna get some Wet Pussies.

Melanie's Guy: I think we can help with that...

(Montage of Ella, Mel and their two guys doing various kinds of shots at the bar. They dance drunkenly. We then see each girl with her man on the sofa, groping and kissing passionately. The girls come up for air as the men continue to kiss their necks and chests.)

Melanie: Are you taking him home?

Ella: Yeah - the bulge...

Melanie: What?

Ella: Its not his wallet.

(Ella goes back to kissing her man, more wildly before, and the pair roll onto the floor.)

Melanie's Guy: Am I coming home?

Melanie: Oh yeah, just give me a minute...

(Melanie tries to stand.)

Melanie's Guy: Are you okay, babe?

Melanie: Yeah, I... (Melanie pushes herself to her feet, but vomits on her guy's shoe.)

Melanie's Guy: Shit!
Melanie: Sorry!

Melanie's Guy: Ah, I've gotta get something...

(He walks off.)

Melanie: FML!

(She sinks back into the couch and picks up her drink. Keith suddenly walks past Ella and her man, still groping wildly one the floor.)

Keith: Ella?

Ella: What do you want?

Keith: Who's this?

Ella: None of your business!

Ella's Guy: Your'e Keith Coombe!

Ella: Actually, this is... (Searches for a name.)

Ella's Guy: Tom.

Ella: Yeah, this is Tom... and he's the guy who's gonna be bonking my brains out tonight! How
does that make you feel?

(Kirsty totters up to join Keith.)

Kirsty: Bonking your brains out? That shouldn't take long.

Ella: You'd know... slut!

Keith: Girls...

Tom: Just let 'em sort it, mate.

Ella: How do think a talentless ho-bag like her gets a two album deal with Sony, Keith?

Kirsty: You know what, ella, Keith was gonna dump you even before I came along.

Ella: Yeah - you were waiting with open thighs, you bitch!

(Ella lunges at Kirsty and the two fight.)

Keith: Hey...

(Keith tries to intercede but cops a stray punch from Kirsty.)

Kirsty: Keith, I'm so sorry... Ahh...

(Ella pulls her back into the fray as Tom helps Keith to sit down on the couch, next to the very drunk Mel. The fight continues as other patrons take out their phones to record it. The bouncers arrive and, with much difficulty, separate Kirsty and Ella and drag them to the door. There is a montage of tabloid shots of this occurring - they are typically undignified, with exposed underwear and smudged make-up. The credits roll.)

Nearly spat my tea out at Mel's drink order, you Aussies are forthright alright.

I hadn't read the previous excerpts you had posted but I enjoyed what I read by itself; breezy, enjoyable, SITC-vibe (I hated SITC, but it had undeniable 'vibe') and it was pretty funny.

I'll go back and check out your other posts.

Yes! I was quite suprised myself to hear some female friends of mine ordering that at a nightclub. Glad you found it funny. Its very tabloid inspired.
The post to check is Take Two - Out of Control.
Thanks for reading!

Also, "tabloid naturist" is hilarious.

Sorry Toddb that was really boring.

Back to subKardashian territory.

Your characters are dull and have no depth.

This will always make your writing so much more difficult.

In yesterday's effort I tried to develop some kind of aspiration in the Ella character (the central character) to improve who she is and actually find a skill or talent.
I gather from your more positive comments yesterday that you might have picked up on this, however, I am still finding a way to sustain this throughout - as you can tell.
Ella's problem, as I intend it, is that she just doesn't understand the consequences of her actions and lacks will power to move beyond her comfortable way of operating. She is also led astray at every turn by her best friend.
How did you find the pace?

It went nowhere quickly.

Sorry Toddb you need to view the characters as characters entirely divorced from their setting.

So here's a challenge.

Write a scene where the 2 chracters are stuck in a lift for an hour.
No drinks, shoppings, paps, mobiles or whatever...

Alright- Sootyj, that's an old playwright's workshop trick. Not necessarily the elevator - but taking some characters and seeing how they function outside of the setting/situation of the play.

I've written the scene. Not much humour, but my focus was on the characters, not the jokes.

Ella and Melanie are stuck in a lift. Ella is hitting the walls and screaming. Melanie sits on the floor and holds her head.)

Ella: Help!, help! Can anybody hear us! Help!

Melanie: Shut up, Ella! My head hurts.

Ella: How long have we been here?

Melanie: How should I know, I left my bag in the room.

Ella: FML!

Melanie: Don't you have your phone?

Ella: Where would I put it, Ella?

Melanie: Look - you've pushed the alarm button about twenty times, I'm sure they know we're
here.

Ella: This is your fault, you know.

Melanie: I didn't jam the elevator!

Ella: We'll just go up to the bar for one drink, you said...

Melanie: You we're nervous...

Ella: I was meeting with a casting agent, now he'll think I've diced him.

Melanie: We'll explain.

Ella: You know my parents have been pressuring me to get a job for months now.

Melanie: Why?

Ella: I'm irresponsible, apparently... all my money comes from them.

Melanie: You gave that exclusive to "New Weekly" - and you made a packet out of that "FHM"
shoot.

Ella: They're not going to count that, Mel.

Melanie: Do you know what you could do to make serious cash?

Ella: What?

Melanie: Do a "Playboy" shoot!
Ella: No!

Melanie: Why - I did one!

Ella: But you don't care about that sort of thing.

Melanie: You've been exposed plenty of times - might as well make some cash...

Ella: No... my parents would lose it.

Melanie: Didn't they fix you up at that boutique?

Ella: I don't wanna work in a boutique.

Melanie: Its a good boutique - I shop there.

Ella: I want to actually do something, like Kirsty Shore...

Melanie: You can't sing, Ella, I've known you long enough to break that to you.

Ella: But I could act - or model? Far out - that's why I'm meeting with this casting agent, this was
a lead. This guy could get me on "Home and Away"!

Melanie: "Home and Away"? I could be on "Home and Away"...

Ella: Mel, we were talking about me...

Melanie: We're always talking about you! I'm good looking enough to be on "Home and
Away"!

Ella: You should come to this agent with me.

Melanie: What do you have to do?

Ella: You have to learn some lines?

Melanie: What?

Ella: You have to learn some lines... they don't just give you a part... you have to see people... then
more people...

Melanie: Ugh, boring... people already know who we are , Ella.

Ella: Yeah - we're the two rich sluts from "Who" magazine. Melanie, do you realise that the
people who recognise us don't even know why?

Melanie: I'm confused.

Ella: The people who recognise us, and that's not everybody, don't know why we're famous... sort
of....

Melanie: I don't know why we're famous... I mean... there are a lot of rich people... they aren't
all famous.

Ella: And there are a lot of sluts - and they're not famous...

Melanie: Oh, shit, Ella - I see we're you're coming from... I'll tell you what, Dad knows a guy
who's a film director.

Ella: Really?

Melanie: Yeah, he knows loads of them - I'll see if he can hook us up. I mean there's gotta be
something we can do...

Ella: Yeah...

Melanie: Being hot's gotta get you somewhere...

Toddb they're just carrying on the same conversation in an elevator.

I susepct if you stuck them on the international space station, a burning building or the killing fields of Rwanda. They would be carrying out the same conversation.

C'mon look at the 2 shows you sited before Bridesmaids and AbFab and look at how the layers of conflict and character made them sing.

Sootyj - thanks for the comments. A bit too introspective, yes, and I realised I was covering old ground. I think one of the failings (in this and the most recent script segment), is that the central character is too passive. She talks about what she wants but doesn't do enough. I think what I have below might be a bit more active and reactive to the situation...

Out of Control
Elevator Scene

(Ella and Melanie are stuck in a lift. Ella is hitting the walls and screaming. Melanie sits on the floor and holds her head.)

Ella: Help!, help! Can anybody hear us! Help!

Melanie: Shut up, Ella! My head hurts.

Ella: How long have we been here?

Melanie: How should I know, I left my bag in the room.

Ella: FML!

Melanie: Don't you have your phone?

Ella: Where would I put it, Ella?

Melanie: Look - you've pushed the alarm button about twenty times, I'm sure they know we're
here.

Ella: This is your fault, you know.

Melanie: I didn't jam the elevator!

Ella: We'll just go up to the bar for one drink, you said...

Melanie: You we're nervous...

Ella: I was meeting with a casting agent, now he'll think I've diced him.

Melanie: Isn't there a speaker or something?

Ella: Hello, hello...

Melanie: Let me try... Hello... this is Melanie Braxton, and I'm caught in your elevator.

Ella: Look - press to speak...

Melanie: I'm already speaking!

Ella: No, but they might hear you if you press this one.

Melanie: Oh, right, hello - can anybody hear me?

(There is silence.)

Ella: This is Ella Shelley - my Dad will give a reward to anyone who can get me out!

Melanie: They can't hear us, Ella...

Ella: I'm late... we've gotta get out of here!

Melanie: We'll just explain to them that we got stuck.

Ella: They might've found someone else by then.... I know what to do. I've seen it in a movie...

Melanie: What?

Ella: Kneel down!

Melanie: Why?

Ella: I'm going to stand on your shoulders and try to go through he roof!

Melanie: No!

Ella: Mel, this is urgent...

Melanie: Alright, you kneel then, I'll go through the roof, I'm taller.

Ella: Alright...

(Ella kneels and Mel tries to stand on her shoulders, using the handrail for balance).

Ella: Owowowow! Shoes, Mel!

Melanie: Sorry!

(Melanie removes her shoes).

Ella: Ow... bitch - that's gonna need massage...

Melanie: Don't even talk to me - I just broke the strap on my heels... Jimmy Choo, Ella,
Jimmy Choo...

Ella: Oh, cry me a river, just try again...

(Melanie stands on Ella shoulders again.)

Melanie: You need to stand up, Ella...

Ella: I can't, you're too heavy...

Melanie: That's bullshit, you know I've been dieting!

Ella: I'm not strong enough...

Melanie: Come on.... if you want to get to that meeting.

(With a grunt Ella pushes Melanie upwards.)
Melanie: Yes... yes...

Ella: Can you push the ceiling up?

Melanie: Ah, no....

Ella: Losing my balance, Mel...

(They topple over.)

Melanie: Ow... my arse...

Ella: Are you alright?

Melanie: I landed on my Jimmy Choo...

Ella: Shit look at my hair...

Melanie: Ooh, mirror...

(The two are standing in front of the mirror fixing their hair when the lights go out.)

Ella: What the?

Melanie: Shit... actually getting quite bored of this now.

Ella: What can we do?

Melanie: We could kiss.

Ella: Why do you keep saying that?

Melanie: I've just been wondering since that Katy Perry song...

Ella: No - I'm not doing it.

Melanie: Just to try it?

Ella: No. I need to pee actually.

Melanie: Just pee here.

Ella: I can't...

Melanie: oh come on, its not like we haven't peed together before...

Ella: Alright.. but you've got to explain it.

(Suddenly the lights come on and the doors open, as Ella is peeing.)

Melanie: Oh, hi.. everyone...

Ella: FML...

What does FML mean?

F**k My Life

it's what all da yoot is saying bredren

Quote: sootyj @ January 1 2012, 12:52 PM GMT

F**k My Life

it's what all da yoot is saying bredren

View original

If I catch my yoot saying it, he'll get a clip round the ear.

Sootyj accidental projenitor of child abuse.

Sootyj is ashamed.

can also mean "forget my life"

Don't worry soots. Riley will have to find yoot first. Yoot went out to a NYE party yesterday and hasn't been seen or heard of since. Yoot is also now taller than Riley so there is unlikely to be any abuse.