British Comedy Guide

The Big Bad Wolves

I wanted to add some more at the end, but I don't know what to do with the ending.

The Big Bad Wolves

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD is walking down a forest, when suddenly BIG BAD WOLF 1 leaps out of the bushes.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
Arrgh!

BIG BAD WOLF 1
I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
Wait, what house?

BIG BAD WOLF 1
Don't you own a house?

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
Well my grandmother rents one.

BIG BAD WOLF 1
Is she a pig?

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
What?!

BIG BAD WOLF 1
Wait, so aren't you a pig? Please tell me that you are.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD lets out an offended yell, as she slaps BIG BAD WOLF 1.

Meanwhile, in the STRAW HOUSE, a LITTLE PIG is looking out the window.

LITTLE PIG
Oh lord, he's going to blow my house in any minute now.

BIG BAD WOLF 2
Who is?

LITTLE PIG (turns around)
Argh! Please don't eat me!

BIG BAD WOLF 2
Whoa buddy, I'm kosher. Besides, I have to watch my cholesterol level, and lamb meat is healthier.

LITTLE PIG
How'd you get into my house anyway?

BIG BAD WOLF 2
Dude, your house is made of straw.

LITTLE PIG
And what's with the lipstick? You look like a wolf in goat's clothing.

BIG BAD WOLF 2
I was told this was where the Seven Young Kids were.

LITTLE PIG
Pedo.

BIG BAD WOLF 2
Am not!

Meanwhile,

BIG BAD WOLF 3 knocks on the front door of a house. A young GIRL answers the door.

GIRL
Yes?

BIG BAD WOLF 3
Wait, you're not a kid.

GIRL
No sir, but daddy says I'm the most precious princess in the world.

BIG BAD WOLF 3
I mean you're not a goat.

GIRL
No sir, but daddy says my mommy's one.

BIG BAD WOLF 3
Do you by any chance have six other kids in the house?

GIRL
No sir, but daddy says my mommy probably has six other kids elsewhere. He says she's a right wh-

BIG BAD WOLF 3 closes the door. He then realizes something.

BIG BAD WOLF 3
Hang on, I wasn't even supposed to get the Seven Young Kids, was I?

BIG BAD WOLF 1 and BIG BAD WOLF 2 approach him.

BIG BAD WOLF 1
You shit, you were supposed to get Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother's house.

BIG BAD WOLF 2
The police have a profile of a crossdressing pedophile on the run, and that's probably me.

BIG BAD WOLF 1
Well remove the lipstick then.

BIG BAD WOLF 2
That's no good, I'm a wolf.

BIG BAD WOLF 3
Wait, wait, I can settle this.

BIG BAD WOLF 1
Oh how?

Cue to THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF lulling around under a tree. Suddenly, he notices something in the distance. He starts yelling.

THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF
Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!

Cue to BIG BAD WOLF 1, 2 and 3 running towards a group of sheep.

BIG BAD WOLF 2
I'm not sure about this; my nutritionist says goat meat has fewer calories than mutton.

BIG BAD WOLF 1
Oh shut up!

==POSSIBLE END==

THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF
Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!

Nearby, FARMER 1 and FARMER 2 witness THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF going mental as BIG BAD WOLF 1, 2 and 3 turn the sheep into mincemeat.

FARMER 1
Bloody kids can't be bothered to pluralize nowadays.

FARMER 2
I blame the educational system.

It starts off promisingly enough, but becomes very long without sufficient laughs to make it work; I also did not get all the references - what's the Seven Little Kids stuff all about?

Ok it's a great idea, I'm personally a great fan of twisted fairytales and misplaced characters in stories.

But good grief it's so unbelievaby long, and it's got more forced choreography than Kim Jung il's funeral.

So it's a fail.

Which is annoying because it's such a good idea.

Like I said before restrict yourself to one page for your next sketch.

Agree with sootyj - there are three or four good ideas floating around in there that have all been jumbled together so that none of them really seem to work.

[quote name="Thomas Blackwell" post="833684" date="December 30 2011, 8:30 AM GMT"]
The Big Bad Wolves

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD is walking down a forest, when suddenly BIG BAD WOLF 1 leaps out of the bushes.

BIG BAD WOLF 1
I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!
Where is your house?

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
No Granny got her pension slashed and we're in bed and breakfast.(burst into tears)

BIG BAD WOLF 1
You don't erm happen to live with any pigs do you?

SCENE2
Meanwhile, in the STRAW HOUSE, a LITTLE PIG is looking out the window.

LITTLE PIG
Don't blow my house down please!

BIG BAD WOLF 2
Why would I do that. Wouldn't it just be easier to set fire to it I mean. You'd smoke up nicely.

LITTLE PIG
Why are you wearing a nighty and a wig?

BIG BAD WOLF 2
Too fool Little Red Riding Hood. And it makes me feel more feminine, don't judge me.

Meanwhile,

SCENE3

BIG BAD WOLF 3 knocks on the front door of a house. A young GIRL answers the door.

GIRL
Yes?

BIG BAD WOLF 3
Wait, you're not a kid.

GIRL
No sir, but daddy says I'm the most precious princess in the world.

BIG BAD WOLF 3
I mean you're not a goat.

GIRL
No sir, but daddy says my mommy's one.

BIG BAD WOLF 3
Do you by any chance have six other kids in the house?

GIRL
No sir, but daddy says my mommy probably has six other kids elsewhere. He says she's a right wh-

BIG BAD WOLF 3 closes the door. He then realizes something.

SCENE 3

ALL 3 BIG BAD WOLVES IN A FIELD LOOKING AT THEIR iphones.

ALL 3 OF THEM SIMULTANEOUSLY SLAP THEIR FOREHEADS

THE LITTLE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF WALKS ROUND THE CORNER WITH HIS HEARD OF SHEEP

BIG BAD WOLF1
Yeh like the villages are going to believe this? Now f**k off!

BOY WANDERS OFF LOOKING MISERABLE

BIG BAD WOLVES DESCEND ON THE SHEEP

A sootyj masterclass in editing.

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