The Truth about the Good Samaritan

My sketches just keep getting longer and longer... where do you think I can make cuts?

The Truth about the Good Samaritan

CAPTION: 30 AD, JERUSALEM

It is a sandy path, in the middle of Jerusalem. An ILL MAN is lying down on the ground. Cue JESUS, DISCIPLE 1 and DISCIPLE 2 standing around this ILL MAN.

JESUS
There is an ill man lying here. What should you do?

DISCIPLE 1
Pass a lithograph exam to make sure that he is telling the truth.

DISCIPLE 2
You fool, that is a polygraph exam. No, you must first give him the kiss of life, like this-

DISCIPLE 2 gets down on his knees to perform the kiss of life onto the ILL MAN.

DISCIPLE 1
Ew! Get off him!

JESUS
Stand back, my disciples, for this is a good parable to go with this situation. Suppose there is a priest passing by.

Lo and behold, there is a PRIEST passing by this ill man lying on the ground.

JESUS
Excuse me, your holiness! Could you help this ill man lying on the ground?

PRIEST
Can't you see I'm busy? I'm on my way to a public bath to cleanse my body and soul. Heal him yourself!

The PRIEST walks away.

JESUS
Now, my disciples, what did you learn from that?

DISCIPLE 2
The priest is going to bath in order to cleanse himself of bacteria, grime, and other possible causes or mediums of disease. He knows what he's doing.

JESUS
No, you would notice that he left this ill man and passed onto the other side of the road. Now suppose there is a Levite walking across.

Lo and behold, there is a LEVITE passing by this ill man lying on the ground.

JESUS
Excuse me, sir! Could you help this ill man lying on the ground?

LEVITE
Excuse me, sir, I am a busy man. And I would stay away from him if I were you. High population density in tightly packed areas such as urban environments is what spreads diseases like this ill man is currently ailing in.

JESUS
But this ill man has been lying here -

LEVITE
I am off to the local council to pass legislation concerning urban hygiene of this very sort. Good day!

The LEVITE walks away.

JESUS
As you can see, you would notice that he left this ill man and also passed onto the other side of the road.

DISCIPLE 2
But I thought it was important to set policies on urban hygiene in order to save thousands of lives in the city.

DISCIPLE 1
Jesus, can't you heal him? Aren't you also your dad and that holy-moly ghoul person?

JESUS
Thou shall not test the Lord.

DISCIPLE 1
What about a multiple choice quiz -

JESUS
Now suppose there is a Samaritan passing by.

Lo and behold, there is a SAMARITAN passing by. He is crying.

JESUS
Excuse me, sir! Could you help this ill man lying on the ground?

SAMARITAN
Look, I've been mugged myself!

JESUS walks up to the SAMARITAN.

JESUS
You will help this ill man lying on the ground.

SAMARITAN
And I've got a wife and eight children to feed. I've been stolen of my groceries, how will I feed my family?

JESUS (with added emphasis)
You will help this ill man lying on the ground.

SAMARITAN
I can't!

JESUS
You will go to hell.

SAMARITAN
My life is hell.

DISCIPLE 2
Not working.

JESUS turns to DISCIPLE 1.

JESUS
You will see how this good Samaritan will be moved with compassion.

There is a loud wedging sound as the SAMARITAN grabs for his bottom. He yells in pain.

DISCIPLE 1
Hey, God does move in mysterious ways!

SAMARITAN
All right, all right! I'll do as you say, oh please don't hurt me.

JESUS
Thank you. First, you will bind up his wounds. Then, you will now pour on oil and wine.

SAMARITAN
Where will I get oil and wine?

Cue to a local market. The SAMARITAN is carrying the ILL MAN, a bowl of oil and a bottle of wine.

The SAMARITAN looks at JESUS with discontent.

SAMARITAN
Don't you have money yourself?

JESUS
You will now set this ill man on your own animal.

SAMARITAN
What animal?

A DONKEY MERCHANT is shouting off screen.

DONKEY MERCHANT (OFF-SCREEN)
Pre-owned donkey! Only used for 100 miles!

SAMARITAN
Oh, come on. That's not my own animal.

Cut to an INN. The SAMARITAN is still carrying the ILL MAN.

SAMARITAN
You think I'm made of money, do you? The oil, the wine, and that donkey cost me my grocery money for the whole week. I hope you're happy.

JESUS
You will now take out two denarii to the innkeeper to take care of this ill man.

SAMARITAN
Two denarii?!

The SAMARITAN complains in the background. JESUS quickly turns to his disciples.

JESUS
Now which of these three do you think seemed to be a neighbour to this ill man?

DISCIPLE 2
I don't know about you, but placing a man with a contractible disease in a tightly packed area full of tens of people is a huge health and safety risk.

JESUS
You will find that the Samaritan is the one who showed mercy on him. Now go and do likewise.

DISCIPLE 1
Okay, Jesus. [Turns to the SAMARITAN, begins to imitate JESUS's voice] You will now take out two denarii-

SAMARITAN
Oh shut up!

Now cut to the present day. KEVIN and EMILY, two modern day writers, are sitting on a table.

EMILY
How the hell are you going to end this sketch?

EMILY and KEVIN think for a while. Then KEVIN starts scribbling.

KEVIN
Oh, I know.

Cut back to the INN. There are tens of travelers, all coughing up blood. The camera slowly pans to reveal the ILL MAN lying on a bed, whose flesh is starting to rot.

DISCIPLE 1
Come on, weren't you the one who tried to give him the kiss of life?

DISCIPLE 2
I'm not gay, I used to be a public health consultant.

The ILL MAN opens his eyes and gets up.

DISCIPLE 1
"He who lies with another man should be stoned," and you were lying just now.

DISCIPLE 2
Well I'll have to pass through a polygraph test too won't I!

THE ILL MAN starts to make incomprehensible moans.

DISCIPLE 1
How do you give the kiss of life anyway?

There are sounds of slow footsteps approaching.

DISCIPLE 2
Well you give him two breaths down into his lungs, then you give him thirty chest compressions, then you...

DISCIPLE 1
What?

DISCIPLE 2 points behind DISCIPLE 1 in horror as the ILL MAN bites DISCIPLE 1's neck. Blood spurts out.

DISCIPLE 1
ARRRGGGHHH!

DISCIPLE 2
JESUS CHRIST!

JESUS
You called?

JESUS and DISCIPLE 2 looks down the hallway of the INN, as the ILL MAN and a now zombified DISCIPLE 1 are followed by several more zombies.

DISCIPLE 2
I told you this contravened health and safety regulations!

JESUS
Forgive me, father...

JESUS pulls out a crown of thorns and a cross-shaped gun.

JESUS
...for I will sin.

Cue heavy guitar riff.

Cut back to KEVIN (writing furiously) and EMILY.

EMILY
The Bible and Zombies!?

KEVIN
This will work!

There are lots of great ideas in here; where/if you make cuts depends on what you want to do with it. It kind of struck me as the opening sequence of something bigger, so if you have the inclination maybe think about what strands you could relate to another script? Nice sketch though!

Quote: AJGO @ December 29 2011, 8:31 PM GMT

There are lots of great ideas in here; where/if you make cuts depends on what you want to do with it. It kind of struck me as the opening sequence of something bigger, so if you have the inclination maybe think about what strands you could relate to another script? Nice sketch though!

View original

Funny you should say that, because I had an idea of a string of sketches arising from a conversation between Kevin and Emily, such as this. So actually you're right - this IS the opening sequence of something bigger.

I'm glad, it is good. Are you really in Korea?

Give up.

Me, or the original poster?

Quote: AJGO @ December 30 2011, 12:43 AM GMT

I'm glad, it is good. Are you really in Korea?

View original

I lived in America for 7 years but now I'm here. This is just a pen name.

I'm going to pitch somewhere between Godot and AJGO. It's an interesting take but far far too long. Cut it in half, which seems to be the end of the original story, tighten it up and leave out the whole scriptwriters stuff. Zombies don't add anything.

This is a confused mess.

You really need to find one big idea and stick with it or else all you have left is a mess.

Cut out ALL superfluos dialogue. There is nothing funny or interesting in 3 people explaining why one characton't help another.

Develop funny dialogue.

And here is a challenge. Write your next sketch in one page or less.

Just one page. One idea finish on the punchline.

Seriously dude, to quote one of your disciples from the dialogue

DISCIPLE 2
(its) Not working.

I liked your other sketch on the paintballing, but please man, reign yourself in, I agree with sooty, it was just a long self-indulgent ramble. And how do I recognise one of them? Coz I still do them myself and have to wait for other people to tell me that Ive long since ceased being funny on that particular sketch or other. Which is what Im doing for you now.

Go back, think sketch of under a minute, do it tight (*like your paintballing gag) and if it still doesn't work, bin it. Think of something else. The mind is an inexhaustable reservoir of creativity, if you're lucky.

Good luck man.

ps. Sorry to hear about the death of "Diddy" Kim Jong Ill. Was he Ill for long? (just while he was alive)
pps I know its a different country, please allow it...