Hi all,
My comedy partner and I recently performed an eight minute Christmas Special of the stage-sitcom I write as part of a Christmas cabaret called "Bons Bons and Beernuts". I have used a few gags from our other shows. It went over pretty well and we got quite a few laughs. Some of the references are local to where I live or Australian, but I hope you can get the idea. I would love you guys to read it and give me any feedback.
Suburban Bohemia Christmas Special
by Todd Barty
(The setting includes a sofa with a sumptuous throw rug and a black velvet jacket draped over it. There is also a table with a laptop and a collection of bottles. There has obviously been some kind of party. Xander Zanii enters. He is pale, tall and slightly plump. He has eyeliner that his smudged and his hair, obviously styled into spikes the previous night, is now unkempt. He wears red tailoured trousers and a crumpled 'pirate' shirt. He carries a basket with bits of a Christmas tree, a pot and some decorations.)
Xander: (Calling off) I'm fine to do the show... I'll be fine...(Looking at audience) Hello. Good morning... (Picking up jacket) It is morning, isn't it? I'm breaking the fourth wall here people... keep up!
(He puts his jacket on and gets an answer.)
Xander: Evening... shit... look, I'm sorry for being so disorganised... (Clears bottles from table) It's just that my assistant Melanie and I got into Town yesterday and we've had a bit of a celebration... but I'm fine to do the show... I just need
(He fumbles in his pockets and pulls out a pair of ladies' undies .)
Xander: Shit... Melanie...
(He looks behind a curtain and throws the undies to 'Melanie'.)
Xander: (To audience). No, I'm fine, I just need... (He pulls a bag of pills out of his pocket) These are prescription... (He takes a handful of them and puts them in his mouth, washing them down with a swig from a bottle of Cinzano).
Xander: Right, I'm fine... Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I, for those of you so sheltered that you don't know me, am Xander Zanii, Artistic Director of Group Z productions in Sydney (or London). I'm here in Townsville consulting on a replacement event - for Carols by Candlelight, which as you've probably heard, has been cancelled. That's why we're workshopping this "Bon Bons and Beernuts" thing... I like coming to Townsville. I like doing regional work because
its a challenge to go somewhere with less... cultural infrastructure, and build.... not that I'm saying that about Townsville - no! Townsville never ceases to surprise me.
(Xander sits down to the laptop and turns it on)
Xander:I've been involved in Carols in Melbourne, Sydney... Times Square... helped out on
the Milennium dome back in 1999... Today, my associate director Lily Von Lieberslieder, should be here to help me. She couldn't come on the plane with me because, (Xander rises to confide to the audience) and this is strictly between us because I hate to talk out of school, but she might have been a bit too merry at our company Christmas party. She and I were married once she has a bit of a problem... but Lily's choreographed for Christmas events
everywhere. She was in the Milennium Dome too... if only because they thought she was 2000 years old.
(Xander sits down at the computer.)
Xander: Let's see... I get piles of messages at this time of year- from all of my friends on Facespace. Merry Christmas Xander... love Kate and Andrew... Happy Holidays, Julia and Tim, Seasons greetings, Geoffry, Hugh, Nicole, come for drinks... Robin Nevin, Wesley Enoch. Invitation - NIDA Christmas Party... well, I can't go to everything...I'll Twittle them a seasonal greeting.
(Xander squints to read. He looks around and picks up a magnifying glass and reads the screen through it.)
Xander: Lily Von Lieberslieder... Shit... what time is it... she'll be here...
(Xander runs off and returns with Lily.)
Lily: What a dump.
Xander: Hello Lily. Look, everyone, its Lily Von Lieberslieder!
Lily: I brought you something.
(Hands him a bag with two empty bottles..)
Xander: You shouldn't have. Lily, these are empty.
(Xander tips it up to get the last drop.)
Lily: I had them in the car on the way from the airport. I need a drink.
Xander: Just sit down! (To audience.) Lily has a problem with alcohol... (Pouring drinks)
Lily: No I don't, I drink it, I enjoy it, no problem!
(Lily sits. They laugh)
Xander: (Handing Lily her drink)Now, listen, Lily - all of these people are here to workshop this ... "Bon Bons and Beernuts" thing.
Lily: What?
Xander:" Bon Bons and Beernuts".
Lily: For goodness sake, Xander!
Xander: I know, Lily... but it makes sense in this context - the community respond to...
Lily: Bon Bons and Beernuts.
Xander: Yes.
Lily: What is it for?
Xander: Christmas. Its the new family show for Christmas in Townsville.
Lily: How I despise Christmas in a hot climate.
Xander: I know.
Lily: People don't make an effort.
Xander: Well we can teach them. Christmas dinner should be three roast beasts bulging down the
centre of the table. Not the stink of seafood and half empty beer bottles!
Lily: Horrible!
Xander: Our apologies if anyone here does that... And not even good seafood. No caviar...
Lily: No lobster.
Xander and Lily: Just prawns!
Xander: Raw prawns...
Lily: Or some tacky old prawn cocktail recipe left over from the seventies.
Xander: Lets get some of these workshop participants to put up the tree while we tell them how our families did it when we grew up in London.
Lily: Properly!
(Xander and Lily ad lib as they drag up a few audience members to put up the tree.)
Xander: Just arrange the fronds in the pot - arrange it in a tree like shape - don't pull focus!
(The workers begin.)
Xander: Ah, yes, when we were young- waking up to bulging stockings full of antiques, and jewellery and designer clothes, French Champagne and hot champagne ham with eggs in the morning, Presents under a tree two stories high with decorations from Harrods!
Lily: Harrods!
Xander: It has none of that tradition here, its just so... materialistic.
Lily: How I pine for... chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
Xander: And folks dressed up like eskimos...
Lily: Our families gathering...
Xander: More champagne...
Xander and Lily: The drunken arguments!
Xander: So very amusing!
Lily: And lines of snow around the Christmas tree!
Xander: Lily - this is a family show!
Lily: Has anyone told that lot out there?
Xander: Yes - but we're having terrible problems with them. They'll need a lot of help.
Lily: Xander, I don't like doing Carols!
Xander: Just because they replaced you with Nikki Webster at the Myer Music Bowl that one year!
Lily: Don't even talk to me about that.
Xander: Well, you did punch Rhonda Burchmore...
Lily: She deserved it, her legs were taller than I am!
Xander: Perhaps you could choreograph your "Twelve Days of Christmas" routine again.
Lily: That was painful!
Xander: Everything is painful for you - you're painful!
Lily: You wouldn't keep your hands off the eleven ladies dancing.
Xander: Well you're the one that ate the partridge!
Lily: I'm not doing it - it'll be the Myer Music Bowl fiasco all over again.
Xander: Ah, yes! We can talk to you about shopping!
Lily: What?
Xander: Speaking of Myer... Ladies and Gentlemen, Christmas shopping in Townsville is about to
get much easier. From now on you can have a proper Christmas. From now on you
will have a place to buy a really stylish gift for everyone. From now on lovely decorations
will be readily available - because next year - you will have Myer!
Lily: No more decorations made by the children!
Xander: No! I mean.. that sounds mean and I'm all for creativity - but there comes a point when you're about twelve years old when you ask... "Mummy and Daddy...why have you been letting me put litter on our Christmas tree for all of these years?"
Lily: Because they don't have Myer - with its lovely Christmas windows.... Oh, Xander, lets go
back to Sydney now and look at those windows!
Xander: No - we're going to leave this audience with a demonstration! We're going to decorate our
office Christmas tree from Group Z productions. Here we are... are you finished (The audience have arranged the fronds.) Alright then, you can get off - go on. The show's not about you! Pulling focus...
Lily: Who do they think they are?
(The 'participants' sit down. Xander begins putting decorations on the tree.)
Xander: Now, help me decorate, Lily!
Lily: How much have you been drinking?
Xander: I'm responsible, Lily! I can drink responsibly.
(The following discussion occurs as they put up the tree).
Lily: Can't the technician's do it?
Xander: We haven't got any technicians - you drank that money.
Lily: Oh, I remember this tree! The centre of this tree was rusted.
Xander: Lily.. we'll just make do.
Lily: Xander planted it in the garden.
Xander: Just shut up and decorate.
Lily: New Years Eve 2010 - Xander gets stoned and plants the office Christmas tree in the garden
outside.
Xander: You bitch!
Lily: And then it rained.... hahahaha!
Xander: I may have been - intoxicated, but I can sleep that off - you will always be a bitch!
Lily: And you will always be a bastard with a basket!
(Xander throws the basket at Lily's feet)
Xander: Well, you take the basket! I'm am never bringing you here again!
(Xander goes to leave.)
Lily: But,Xander, Xander... I brought some snow...
(Xander stops and Lily produces a bag of white powder from her clevage.)
Xander: What is that? Give me that! (Xander takes the bag.) This isn't what you think, ladies and gentlemen...
Lily: Just a little icing sugar...
(Xander puts some on his finder and tests it on his teeth.)
Xander: Yes... definitely icing sugar... go on then... (He hands the bag to Lily who starts to pour a line of powder on the table around the Christmas tree.)
Xander: Ladies and Gentlemen... for our finishing touch, Lily and I are going to show you a little
party trick that we learned in our teens ... are you ready Lily.
Lily: Ready, set... (The two skull what is left in their glasses.)
Xander: Snort!
(They snort the line from each end and meet in the centre.)
Xander: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Xander Zanii and Lily von Lieberslieder wishing you a Merry Christmas to all and to all...
(The pair pass out.)