Tell me if you think this is any good and worth entering somewhere?
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. PARK - PLAYGROUND - DAY
PORTIA, an elegant wealthy mother wearing very expensive clothes not suited for a park, is dragging her reluctant seven-year old son ANDREW by the arm to the playground.
PORTIA
Go play, Andrew.
ANDREW
I don't want to play, can't we just go home?
PORTIA
No, Dr Jacobs says you should be getting some fresh air every day. I'm not having you grow up stunted or ugly.
Andrew looks as if he's going to have a tantrum when DEBBIE, another mother dressed in the same fashion as Portia, walks up to them with her daughter
Philippa, smiling insincerely.
DEBBIE
Portia!
PORTIA
Debbie!
They air kiss each other's cheeks.
DEBBIE
And this must be little Albert!
ANDREW
It's-
DEBBIE
So, Portia, how have you been? I feel like I haven't seen you in yonks!
PORTIA
Oh, I've been so busy! I don't know if you've heard but I've been organizing a fundraiser for NSPCC-
DEBBIE
Yes, I got your emails. And your letters. And your text messages. And your video messages.
PORTIA
So you'll be coming then? We've got the best caterers in London for the do and we're pretty close to getting Jedward to come and perform so...
DEBBIE
Well, that's quite the incentive but I don't think I'll be able to make it; Phillipa has an interview to get into St.Martins nursery. Michael Sheen's daughter goes there, you know.
PORTIA
Is that the one-
DEBBIE
With the three year waiting list? Yes, yes it is.
PORTIA
We tried to get Andrew into The Agatha Morton playgroup two years ago but he made a clay dinosaur instead of a clay piano like I told him to.
Portia shoots Andrew a look of disappointment. Andrew looks as if he's desperate to escape the situation.
ANDREW
Actually I think I will go and play on the swings.
DEBBIE
Take Phillipa with you would you, Albert?
ANDREW
It's- never mind, yeah sure. Come on Phillipa.
Andrew grabs Phillipa's hand and they begin playing on the swings.
PORTIA
He's so good with the kids. A real networker. I think he has potential to be the next prime minister.
Portia and Debbie turn to look at Andrew who is sniffing at one of the woodchips surrounding the swings. He bites into it as if to check that it's wood. Suddenly they spot AMBER with her child JORDON entering the park.
PORTIA (CONT'D)
Is that Amber Birkinsale?
DEBBIE
I can't believe she's showing her face so soon after what came out in the last fundraiser.
PORTIA
Or rather who came out!
They titter shrilly which catches the attention of Amber who joins them.
AMBER
Portia! Debbie!
PORTIA AND DEBBIE
Amber!
Amber air kisses their cheeks and gives them a fake smile.
PORTIA
How are you, darling?
AMBER
Amazing.
PORTIA
Even after...the Mr Birkinsale debacle?
DEBBIE
Portia! You can't just ask her how she's feeling about the Mr Birkinsale debacle!
AMBER
No, no it's fine. I barely even think about it.
PORTIA
You barely think about your husband leaving you for his homosexual lover?
AMBER
Well, yes I-I do think about that. Especially when I'm cooking with a knife in my hand.
Portia gives Amber a look of disbelief.
AMBER (CONT'D)
Okay, when my maid Tallulah cooks with a knife.
CUT TO:
Jordon and Andrew are playing together whilst Philippa is swinging higher and higher to get their attention.
PHILIPPA
Watch me! Watch me!
ANDREW
We are watching you, Phillipa.
JORDON
Stop being such a baby.
PHILIPPA
I'm not a baby. You're a baby.
JORDON
I'm three years older than you.
PHILIPPA
Yeah, but I'm way more cleverer than you.
JORDON
Shut up, baby.
PHILIPPA
That's it; I'm telling my mummy that you're being mean to me.
Philippa gets off the swing but before she can get to Debbie she gets pushed over by Jordon and starts crying.
DEBBIE
Oh, Philippa, dear!
Philippa runs up to Debbie and hugs her legs, which Debbie looks a bit uncomfortable about.
AMBER
I am so sorry. He takes after his father.
Portia looks at Jordon, who is giggling with Andrew and shoots Amber a look of alarm.
AMBER (CONT'D)
Not the gay part, obviously.
Debbie comforts Philippa stiltedly until she stops crying.
DEBBIE
Okay, now off you go.
PHILIPPA
I don't want to go, the boys are being mean.
DEBBIE
Then go and play by the slide while mummy talks to her friends.
PHILIPPA
Mummy-
DEBBIE
A St.Martins girl doesn't answer back to her mother.
Philippa rolls her eyes as if she's heard this a lot and bounds off to the slide.
DAVID and his daughter ABIGAIL walk into the playground good-naturedly cuddling each other and laughing. When David spots Portia, Debbie and Amber his grin falls and he shoots Abigail a look of panic.
DAVID
Oh god, the botox bitches.
ABIGAIL
Dad!
DAVID
Shoot, the botox babes.
ABIGAIL
Close enough, now I'm going to play-
DAVID
No, you can't leave me with them. Can't you play another time? Or we can get you your own swings and slide. You don't need this public playground; you can be queen of your own jungle gym. Please?
ABIGAIL
Come on dad, I'll only be a few minutes.
Abigail runs off and joins the other children in playing. David stands awkwardly and nods at Portia, Amber and Debbie before looking away.
DEBBIE
Oh David's here.
AMBER
Should we say hello? Abigail does go to the same Drama club as our children and he does usually come to our events.
PORTIA
I always feel so uncomfortable when we see him outside of an event especially after Abigail's mother died. What on earth do we talk about?
AMBER
I don't think men are that different from us. My husband used to talk about shoes all the time.
DEBBIE
Er, Amber-
PORTIA
I think we should probably say hello, I do need to ask him about whether he's attending my latest fundraiser.
Portia, Debbie and Amber walk up to an increasingly panicked David.
PORTIA (CONT'D)
David, Darling!
Portia goes to air kiss David on the cheek who looks surprised and pulls his head away.
PORTIA
Er, right, how have you been?
DAVID
I've been pretty good, yes, er, you?
PORTIA
Simply marvy. I don't know if you heard, I'm hosting this fundraiser for the NSPCC-
DAVID
Yes, I got your emails, and your letters and your texts...how do you actually have my number?
DEBBIE
Portia has everyone's number.
PORTIA
I have everyone's number.
DAVID
That's a bit ominous. Have you ever drunk dialed a person you don't really know?
PORTIA
No.
DAVID
Oh, sorry. That was a bit awkward. We just made a gay baby! Shit, sorry Amber! Er, how is your husband?
AMBER
Still gay.
DAVID
Great. Well, not great, obviously.
AMBER
Obviously.
David laughs jarringly and looks around for Abigail with pleading eyes.
PORTIA
So are you coming?
DAVID
To where?
PORTIA
My fundraiser, silly!
DAVID
Do I have to do anything for it?
PORTIA
Well I'm hoping every one donates a couple of hundred.
David laughs as if she's joking but when he realizes that she isn't, he gulps loudly.
DAVID
I think Abigail and I will be busy then. Sorry Portia.
PORTIA
What are you doing?
DAVID
W-washing my hair? No, washing Abigail's hair? I'm going to be washing something so...
PORTIA
You don't have to come, David. I'm not going to force you to come to any of my events.
DAVID
You mean, I read Eat, Pray, Love for book club for no reason?
PORTIA
Sorry.
DAVID
It's fine, I actually just watched the movie anyway.
Abigail runs up to David, out of breath.
ABIGAIL
It's okay dad, we can leave know.
David looks at an unimpressed Portia.
DAVID
Ah Kids!
He ruffles Abigail's hair.
DAVID
So I'll see you at Abigail's next play date.
PORTIA
No, we'll see you at the bake sale for our kid's drama group.
DAVID
I thought I didn't have to go to these events.
PORTIA
No, Debbie's organizing this one.
DEBBIE
Er, yes, I'm organizing this one.
PORTIA
And the month after Jenny is having a charity dinner and the week after that I think Gwen is organizing a sponsored Picnic.
DAVID
How do you sponsor a...never mind.
David sighs realizing resistance is futile.
DAVID
I'll see you guys at the bake sale then.
David leaves dejected with a cheerful Abigail skipping behind him.
DEBBIE
Why did you say I was raising money for the drama club? We did that last year.
PORTIA
I know, I just thought I'd let him stew a bit. That'll teach him to not come to one of our events.
Debbie, Portia and Amber turn back to check on their kids. They are all on the ground bleeding, having fallen off from the roundabout, with Philippa and Jordon crying loudly.
PORTIA
Oh F**k.
END