Tomas of Brolin lay back, shattered...he was nearly done for...
Strange thoughts came and went in his head... strange, non-sequential memories of his life... rolling past his mind's eye, like a magic lantern show... a shaft of light shone brightly right into his eyes...a moonbeam was shining against the trunk of a tree, reflecting back through droplets of dew that were condensed on its bark...
...and as he gazed into the light, something wondrous, something mystical, something magical happened...
...he had a vision...
"Hello, Tomas..." said Thor, amiably...
"Oh..." said Tomas, nonplussed..."ummm .. oh...yes...hello...ummm...who are you?"
"I'm Thor, the God of Thunder...sent down here on an errand of mercy, by Odin, my father...sent to you, Tomas..."
"Oh...are you?...well...hmmm...well...oh alright, then...you're not selling anything, are you? Because if you are, well, you can just jolly well forget it! I just want to die in peace! And agony! Go away, and leave me alone! "
"But I am the God of Thunder, Tomas...I am...Tomas? Do me a favour, son...look at your hands, son...look at your hands...see? Geddit? GEDDIT? You're dreaming, son...this is a dream, and we're dreaming the same dream together, alright?"
Tomas looked at his hands...they didn't look any different to him at all...he was instantly suspicious...
"You're not from the "Witnesses of Jehovah", are you?" he asked warily..."You know...'cos you've been around before...you know...you called on me once before...bloke called "Jonah"...and I tried what he said, and it didn't work! So you can all just shove off, OK? If you would be so kind...?"
"I am Thor..." continued the apparition..." the God of thunder, and we are dreaming...dreams are one way that we can communicate with you mere mortals...a bridge between our realms..."
"Oh...well...ummm..." whimpered Tomas..." If you are who you say you are, then what do you want from me?"
"You're special, Tomas...you're a special man, Tomas...you're the last of a breed, Tomas...
...you're the last of the Vikings, Tomas..."
"Yeah, and..?" sniffed Tomas, wiping his nose with his right stump...
"You are the last of the "sons of Odin", son! The last of the fabled warriors of Asgaard! You must uphold the faith, son! Carry the torch, son! Keep the home fires burning, son! Have faith in your gods, son, and they'll see you through!
Keep your faith, son..."
Tomas thought for a minute...
"Well...if I do what you say, what's in it for me?" he asked.. "What do I get out of it?"
""Well..." replied Thor..."When eventually you die, son, you can come and live with me and my Dad in Valhalla...but that's not the best bit, son! You can come and live with us in Valhalla, for nearly an eternity, son! With all your heart's desires!"
"Well...hmmm...well...I don't know...if what you say is true, if I'm so "special", then why didn't you help me before?...why didn't you help me when I had my arms cut off? Why didn't you help any of us?"
"Son?" replied Thor..."What can I tell you?...we really tried, but they were just too "hard", son, too "hard"...my Dad really really wanted to try and help you...he agonised over it, he did...
...he cried for you Tomas...
...we both did..."
"Oh...well..." sighed Tomas..."I suppose...seeing as you put it like that.. well...I suppose I should consider it...but...well...can you give me my arms back?" said Tomas, hopefully...
"Give you your arms back?" said Thor, with a big smile..."Why, I don't see why not, Tomas!...in fact, son, I've got them right here, son! Brought them with me, I did! I had a thought you might ask to get your arms back, so I went and picked 'em up for you, son!...I've even washed 'em for you, son! Look! Here you are...!"
...and the thundergod unwrapped a bundle that he'd been carrying, slung over his right shoulder...
...and there were the missing pieces of Tomas of Brolin's two arms...
He looked in amazement and gratitude at the God of thunder...and then, puzzlement, as Thor just stood there, unmoving, a big grin on his face, displaying the contents of the bundle...
"Well? Come on then?!" said Tomas, holding out the two bloodied stumps of what remained of his arms..."Put them back on, then?!"
Thor suddenly looked confused...
"Put them back on? " he said in bewilderment..."OH! I SEE! You meant could I sort of restore your arms, back on your body?! I SEE! Could I "stick them back together again"?! Oh! No! Sorry! I thought you meant could you just "have them back", you know...no...I can't fix them...I can't do that...sorry..."
Tomas slumped back down to the ground...
For an instant, words failed him...
"But, I'll tell you what..." continued Thor..."If you keep your faith in us, if you pledge your soul to us, then you'll get your arms back, when you come and live in Valhalla! I can't say fairer than that, can I, Tomas?"
The blob looked thoughtful for an instant...
"So..." replied Tomas..."Let me get this straight...if I worship you lot for the rest of my life, and pledge my soul to you, then, when I die, I can have my arms back, and come and live with you? Is that right?"
"Spot-on, my son!" replied Thor, with a big grin...
But Tomas of Brolin still wasn't sure...
"What if I don't like it in Valhalla?" he asked..."Suppose I get there, and I decide that I don't want to stay there?! What about that, then?"
Thor just could not believe his ears...
"Wha...wha...what?!" he spluttered..."Everybody likes Valhalla! You'll love it, Tomas! All your heart's desires! Think of it! Just think of it! Anything you want, Tomas! Anything!"...a sudden look of suspicion came over the face of the thundergod..."Here?" he asked..."You're not gay, are you?! Because if you are, you can just forget it, mate! We don't allow that sort into Valhalla!"
"No!" shouted Tomas..."I'm not gay! God forbid! No! Yuk! The very thought! Errrrr! One of those ?! No way!"
"Oh, that's OK, then..." replied Thor..."We've got to be careful, you know? We have standards to uphold, Tomas, for the sake of those warriors who choose to come and live with us...I mean...they wouldn't like it...I mean, it's not me and my Dad, Tomas...it's all the others, see...they wouldn't like it...So, Tomas...what do you think? 'Everything you want', Tomas...'everything you want'..."
"What if I don't like it?" he asked again...
"OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, TOMAS!" exploded Thor..."OK...OK...look...how can I explain this? OK...once you say out loud that you want to stay with us, then there's no going-back, son...there's no going-back...you can't go back on your promise, son...you can't break your contract..."
Tomas just looked at the thundergod with a look of bitter cynicism...
"It's just not fair..."
"Come on, Tomas..." continued Thor..."Me an' me Dad, we really did try, you know...we really did...we..."
"I don't believe you..." said Tomas, darkly. "I don't believe in you..."
...and in an instant, Thor was gone...
The Norse God of Thunder had disappeared into thin air...
Tomas lay back in despair...thoughts of his childhood, and of his later life, came flooding into his mind's eye...that first goal he'd scored for Malmo...that goal in Euro-whenever-it-was...
...his first pie in Albion...
...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
"Hail to thee, Tomas of Brolin..." said a voice...
He ignored it...
"Hail to thee, Tomas of Brolin..." repeated the voice...
He just lay there, with his eyes shut tight...
"GO AWAY!" he shouted..."I TOLD YOU! GO ON! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE, OK? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"Open thine eyes, Tomas of Brolin..." continued the voice..."Lift up thine eyes, and behold me, that thou may knowest who I am, my son..."
"No! I shan't!" sulked Tomas..."You're only going to try and sell me something! I can tell! I can always tell! You're all the same, you lot!"
"Lift up thine eyes, my son..." continued the voice..."be not afraid, for I am with thee...my rod and my staff doth comforteth thee..."
"Here..." said Tomas, suddenly worried..."You're not gay, are you? Because I'll tell you now, I had enough of that with that other bloke, so you can forget it mate, I'm telling you!"
"Lift up thine eyes, Tomas of Brolin..." continued the voice.. "I am your Lord and Saviour, my son...welcome me into your heart...for thine is the Kingdom...the Power and the Glory...for Ever and Ever...
...the Kingdom of Heaven, my son..."
"See!" said Tomas, as he sat up and opened his eyes..."I knew it! You are selling something, aren't you?!" and then Tomas of Brolin's eyes opened wide in astonishment and horror at the dreadful sight that lay before him..."Oh! Sorry!" he cried..."I didn't see...oh...oh...oh dear...I'm terribly sorry...oh dear..."
...and his voice tailed off, as he looked the figure up and down...the poor man...
...well...it wasn't very nice...
...long hair...beard...dirty loin cloth...somebody had wrapped some prickly thorn branches really tight around his head, and the blood trickled slowly down his cheeks, and dripped gently onto the ground...mingling with the steady stream of blood that oozed from his hands and feet, where they'd been nailed on...
...as he gazed down at Tomas from the cross...
"We have been in the wars, recently, haven't we?" said Tomas..."Oh dear...honestly...that was awful of me...I'm terribly sorry...who on Earth has done this to you? That's a horrible thing to do! You poor man! Look...let me help you...I can help you...wait...now...if I can just find a ladder...oh, no...that's no good...I haven't got any arms! Silly of me...I don't know...ARE YOU ALRIGHT? ARE YOU ALRIGHT UP THERE? Yes? YES? I'm just LOOKING FOR A LADDER? OK? Please try and HANG ON...oh no...I'm terribly sorry...I didn't mean that as a joke...please forgive me...you poor man!...I'd better hurry...I mean...I don't want to keep you HANGING AROUND, do I? Oh! No! No! Oh dear...that was really terrible of me! I'm so sorry! I'm just so so terribly sorry...please don't get CROSS.. OH! NO! I didn't mean it like that! Oh dear...you poor..."
"I diest, so that ye mayest live, my son..." said the man..."I dost suffereth for thine sins, Tomas...for all the sins of Man...Takest me into thine heart, Tomas...hast faith in God, Tomas...
...puttest thine faith in God..."
Tomas stood there, pondering...he didn't want to make any more mistakes, so he just waited...
...and he thought and thought and thought...
"What's in it for me?" he asked quietly...
"The Glory of the Kingdom of Heaven, my son..." replied the man. "Thou canst liveth there for an eternity, my son...if ye acceptest me into thine heart..."
"So..." replied Tomas, cautiously..."If I do what you say, I have to live for ages in the same place? Is that right?"
"Givest thy soul to Jesus, my son..."
"Oh! So you want my soul now, do you? I KNEW IT!" Tomas was exasperated..."There's always some catch, isn't there?! OK, clever clogs! Can you give me my arms back? Will you restore my arms to their former state of health and vitality?"
"Yea verily, my son..." replied Jesus..."In Heaven, the Lord worketh in ways mysterious, Tomas...In Heaven, nothing impossible be...but only if ye trustest in the Lord, Tomas...only if ye takest the Lord into thine heart...only if ye embracest the Kingdom of Heaven, my son...
...Love be all ye need, Tomas..."
"Hmmmmm..." said Tomas, cautiously..."Errr...ok...ummm...can I play football again?" he tremulously asked..."Could I get in this Heaven team? A first-team place, mind...?"
"Nay, my son..." said Jesus, gently laughing..."Oh dear oh dear...ye dost cracketh me up sometimes, my son, ye really dost!...Ye'd hast to forgetteth all about football, my son .."
Tomas of Brolin shook his head slowly from side to side...
"You see? There's always a catch, isn't there? None of you lot ever says anything concrete, anything understandable...it's all gibberish with you lot, isn't it? You lot always talk in riddles, don't you? You're all so spiritual, "man"...You always promise this mythical wonderland where we can all live for ever, in peace and harmony...as long as we give you our souls...as long as we worship you...but you never answer a direct question, do you?...well...it just seems to me to be just another form of slavery...we can live for an "eternity", but only if we do it on your terms...only if we do exactly what you say...only if we pledge our souls to you, Well, let me tell you something, whatever-your-name-is..."
"Be it 'Jesus' my son..." replied the man..."with a "J"..."
"Well..." continued Tomas..."I never made those agreements.. I'd like to be able to decide my own destiny, thankyou very much...you know...the chance to live for an eternity under my own terms...and you can plead all you want...I'm not falling for it...no...my mind's made up...if I'm going to die now, then, so be it...I DON'T believe in you...I DON'T BELIEVE IN ANY OF YOU!...just let me die in peace...let me die in...die in...die...die..."
And so it came to pass, in the Year of Our Lord seven hundred and sixty-two, somewhere in a forest near the southern floodplain of the great river of Albion...at this very moment in time...
...Tomas of Brolin accepted his death...
...............................
"Oh, now that's really f**ked it, hasn't it?" said Thor, sarcastically, as he sat on a pouffé in Valhalla...
[Shit!] thought Odin, as he tore up his betting-slip...[bloody long shots]...
.....................................
