Extract from my sitcom Careers Room - yay or nay

Is this any good? Gavin is the headteacher of Albright School and Greg is part of the IT department. Please tell me what you think

INT. GREG'S OFFICE AT ALBRIGHT SCHOOL - AFTERNOON.

Greg is in his cramped office that only has a computer and some James Bond posters. He is sitting at his computer desk, obviously completely bored, pressing on the keyboard to the tune of 'Eye of the tiger' which he is humming under his breath. Julie, a homely secretary, knocks on the door and Greg hurriedly stops and pretends to be working.

GREG:
Come in!

JULIE:
Greg? Mr Plimpton wants to see you.

GREG V.O:
Joy.

INT. GAVIN'S OFFICE

Gavin, a thin balding man is sitting at his desk facing Greg with an enthusiastic smile on his face. The office is filled with Ultimate Frisbee competition certificates and pictures of his pet turtle Usain.

GAVIN:
Greg! There you are! Grab a seat.

GREG:
Gavin, I'm really busy. I have spread sheets to fill out and some fragmentation-

GAVIN:
This will only take a second.

Greg sighs and sits down on the seat facing Gavin's desk.

GAVIN:
So Greg, I just wanted to have a quick catch-up sesh, see how you're doing, what's happening in the life of Greg?

GREG:
We saw each other in the staff room this morning.

GAVIN:
Yeah, but you seemed really busy and we didn't have one of our man chats so I just wanted to check that you were all right. You know I look after my employees.

GREG:
Yeah. I'm great, fantastic, fine, so I should probably get back-

GAVIN:
Are you doing anything this weekend? Got anything to celebrate?

GREG (sighing):
Well, I turn 26 so-

GAVIN:
I know! I feigned innocence! I've actually got you a little something. I know it's important to have a strictly professional work relationship but I won't tell if you don't!

GREG:
Trust me, I won't be telling anyone about this.

Gavin excitedly hands Greg a wrapped present. Greg unenthusiastically opens it to reveal a t-shirt that reads 'No, I will not fix your computer' with a picture of a disgruntled nerd.

GAVIN:
It's funny because it's not true.

GREG:
Thanks Gavin. I'll be sure to treasure it forever.

GAVIN:
Are you doing anything special for your birthday, then?

GREG:
Just something small. I'm inviting a few friends over for some Chinese.

GAVIN:
I love Chinese food.

There's a pause as Gavin obviously waits for an invitation but Greg remains silent.

GREG:
It's just a few close friends.

GAVIN:
Greg, I know I'm your boss and not one of your 'BFFs' but we've always had a bit of a repertoire going on, we've got a lot in common and I feel we definitely get on well. But when you shut me out sometimes I just- I mean look at Julie.

Gavin points to his window where a frazzled Julie can be seen trying to organize her pens in height order on her desk which is situated right outside Gavin's office.

GAVIN (CONT'D):
You see Julie over there? Julie, my secretary? Who organises things and sets up events and makes sure people get my messages. Yeah Julie? Julie? F**k, Julie, man. I don't give a shit, not a f**king shit. You? I got you a hilarious t-shirt. Julie? I have no idea when she was born and if she invited me to her house, I would punch her in the face. I know she's a woman, so don't get me wrong, I would hesitate, but I would still do it for the bloody cheek.

GREG:
Okay! Okay! You can come!

GAVIN:
Well you don't have to, I mean, I don't want to force you to do something that you don't want to do.

GREG:
It's fine, whatever, it's going to be shite anyway. It's this Saturday at eight and my address is -

GAVIN:
I know your address. Should I bring Articulate or is someone else getting it?

GREG:
I would say just bring yourself but please know that's optional.

GAVIN:
Oh Greg. You are quite the Bantersaurus Rex. Yet another thing we have in common. I'll see you on Saturday.

Greg leaves Gavin's office, who is muttering 'what to wear, what to wear?' under his breath, and nods at Julie as he passes her desk. Gavin suddenly yells her name and Julie jumps, spilling her pens, and nervously shuffles into his office.

Hey Lexi

It seemed a bit like you were recycling David Brent & Tim from The office.
Anyway,that's just one persons opinion.

GL

Paul

I know what you mean, but this is only a small scene of the sitcom and I want Gavin to be played quite manically and enthusiastically whereas Brent is usually portrayed as a more douchey loser than an odd loser. If that made any sense.

Here's another extract -it's quite short though. Do share your wise words of wisdom.
It's meant to portray the awkwardness between Abby and Greg and works well with a later joke.

Greg and Abby are sitting at the Domjon's café. The atmosphere is uncomfortable as they drink their cups of coffee and accidentally make eye contact with each other, and then awkwardly look away. After a while, Greg points at his cup.

GREG:
So, this is really good.

ABBY:
Yeah? That's great. What did you get again?

GREG:
Oh, just a black coffee.

(pauses)

GREG (CONT'D):
But I added some chocolate powder. For a sense of adventure.

He shows Abby his coffee.

ABBY:
Interesting idea. It's not quite mixed in though. Want me to get you a spoon?

GREG:
No need. I'll just swirl it a bit.

Greg starts to shake the cup in a round motion whilst Abby watches. The silence continues.

GREG V.O:
What the f**k am I doing?

ABBY:
Has it mixed in yet?

GREG:
Not really. I'll just continue swirling.

ABBY:
Keep me updated.

(They watch him swirl the cup).

Derrick enters Domjon's café and joins them. Greg stops swirling his cup.

ABBY and GREG V.O:
Oh thank god.

ABBY:
So ...how'd the interview go?

DERRICK:
It was brilliant!

ABBY:
Do you think you got the job?

DERRICK:
Probably not. But Abby, you'll never guess who I met there. Miss Miller!

ABBY:
Who?

DERRICK:
Miss Miller! She taught us English in high school for two years.

ABBY (trying to remember):
Miss Miller? Miss Miller?

The same show reel of clips of Liz teaching in front of the whiteboard that Derrick saw is shown again with the same music except this time it includes her whole body rather than just her breasts as she animatedly smiles and motions enthusiastically. Abby grins in recognition.

ABBY (CONT'D):
Miss Miller! I loved her. She was my favourite teacher. How is she?

DERRICK:
Oh she's great. I actually said she could come here and have a coffee.

ABBY:
How come?

DERRICK:
I just thought it would be nice. See how she's doing, what's going on in her life, that sort of thing.

GREG:
You want to have sex with her, don't you!

DERRICK:
So badly.

ABBY:
Ew No! No! You are not having sex with her! She was our English teacher! She taught us the correct way to use...ellipses.

It's unfinished but oh well, I'd love a bit of critique-ing.

I didn't the like the bit where she says ''keep me updated''. I think it'd be better if there was just silence. Especially as Derrick is just about to walk in, and can therefore break the silence naturally.

Other than that though, I thought it was good! Not particularly funny as such, but if it's moving the story along...

Yeah. Its better.

I've seen 'Gavin' in a few sitcoms - the enthusiastic but socially clumsy and irritating boss. Some good writing though.