Hmmm, just sent this off and not sure it's it up to snuff. Any thoughts?
(VLADIMIR has his top off throughout)
DAVEPresident Putin, or is it Prime Minister now? I can never keep up.
VLADIMIRNor I, Prime Minister Cameron. How may I help you?
DAVEWell, I'm worried I seem a bit of a wimp. Particularly when Mrs Merkel is around. You always seem terribly macho, and I wondered if you could give me some tips?
VLADIMIRVery well. Firstly, you must strip to the waist. Real men do not believe in shirts. (DAVE does so) Now, do you hunt? It is good to hunt. It shows your people that you can provide for them.
DAVEWell (sotto) I do a bit of fox-hunting when I get the chance.
VLADIMIRThis is not hunting. Hunting is man with no top on shooting stags in brutal wilderness.
DAVEBrutal wilderness, eh? Don't really have much of a brutal wilderness in England...I suppose there's Peacehaven.
VLADMIRYou do proper hunting. Do you have tank?
DAVEA tank? No. I've got a bike.
VLADIMIRYou must drive about in tank with no top on to show you are powerful man.
DAVEWell, I'll see if the M.O.D's got one spare, but it's going to be a bugger to park.
VLADIMIRAlso, I invaded Georgia. This showed my people I could protect them from Georgia. You must invade somewhere to show your people you can protect them.
DAVEWhat about the middle-east? That always goes well.
VLADIMIRNo, you must invade only that which can offer no resistance? What is island of Bergerac?
DAVEJersey?
VLADIMIRYes, you must invade this Jersey with your top off in your tank and claim it for Mother Russia...er, Mother England. England.
DAVERight, but Jersey is already sort of ours.
VLADIMIRDo these things and be manly man. Now, we proceed to arse-f**king. Arse-f**king is good. Nothing is more manly than arse-f**king.
DAVEWhat? You mean...you're gay?
VLADIMIRPlease. All those pictures of me with top off on horse. You think this is heterosexual imagery? Come, we must arse-f**k.
DAVEWell, I suppose its no worse than what the CBI do to me.
