Quote: evan rubivellian @ June 11 2012, 5:06 PM BSTWhy is Vince Stadon logged in as Kev F? Are they the same person?
Only on Wednesdays.
Quote: RedZed333 @ June 19 2012, 3:45 AM BSTThat's nearly as good as the review you once gave one of my early submissions...
"Shit Happens.pdf - There's a thin line between Rabelasian and gratuitously scatalogical. This puts a thick brown smear over both. NO"
KevF
"Get the f**k!" - BBC Writersroom feedback on my "England Burns" 90 minute drama script.
Quote: Mr Ashdown @ June 20 2012, 2:17 AM BST"Get the f**k!" - BBC Writersroom feedback on my "England Burns" 90 minute drama script.
Dang..! I can't even win a shit review contest...!
Reminder folks, you have one week left to get your entries into the Manchester Sitcom Trials: http://sitcomtrials.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/scripts-wanted-for-manchester-sitcom.html
Re-entries have already given us quite a pile to sort through. I look forward to some more fresh scripts to make that voting worthwhile.
And don't forget, The Sitcom Trials now has its own twitter account @SitcomTrials where you can pester myself and Manchester's team leader actress Michelle Ashton. Bring it on, as I believe we say up there.
Oh, and there's a Bristol Trials this week, about which I'm sure Vince will tell you.
Kev F
Quote: Kev F @ June 24 2012, 8:01 AM BSTOh, and there's a Bristol Trials this week, about which I'm sure Vince will tell you.
Kev F
Yes indeed, there's only two days left until the next Bristol show, which is at the Wardrobe Theatre, Friday June 29th, 8pm.
http://thewardrobetheatre.com/#/the-sitcom-trials/4559558932
5 brand new sitcoms competing for your vote!
A love-stricken wiccan! A teenage ASBO girl with attitude! A team obsessed with statistics! A low-budget production company! A farmer who'd rather be a detective!
Cliffhangers! Plot twists! Surprises! It's all in The Sitcom Trials!
Pitch Fest! Your ideas for brilliant new sitcoms - the best one (as voted by the audience) will win a prize!
Our very special guest host: JAMES DOWDESWELL!
Former Bristol Sitcom Trials alumni, James Dowedeswell is an imaginative storytelling comedian who combines deft stand-up with daft stories. He is a headline act at most top UK comedy clubs and he was recently the featured stand-up on Russell Howard's Good News. He has appeared in Ricky Gervais' Extras, and The World Stands Up, Edinburgh And Beyond on the Paramount Comedy Channel.
jamesdowdeswell.co.uk
CAST: Janet Adams, Naomi Carter, Lewis Cook, Alistair Hedderman,
Troy Hewitt, John Lomas, Ziggy Ross, Louisa Smith, Linda Westmoreland, and the cast of Closer Each Day
WRITERS: Luke Cedar, Lewis Cook, Oliver Ley, Vince Stadon, Kev F Sutherland, and with additional material by the cast.
DIRECTOR: Roz Hopkinson PRODUCER: Vince Stadon EXEC. PRODUCER: Kev F Sutherland.
Hi Kev,
I've uploaded my script, "You Banker!". Let's hope people aren't reviewing in alphabetical order as I may not get any readers!
I saw your request for my previous script "As Plain As Day" to be re-entered, but as it already made the final in Manchester I think it's had it's, er, day.
Hope everyone is having a good start to the summer!
Dropped mine in earlier and only just realised theres a typo, eek!
Quote: sean knight @ June 30 2012, 7:55 PM BSTDropped mine in earlier and only just realised theres a typo, eek!
Double Eek!
Excellent 4 star review for Friday night's Bristol Sitcom Trials:
http://www.thepublicreviews.com/the-sitcom-trials-the-wardrobe-theatre-bristol/
Well done everyone, wish I could have been there but I was gigging with the Socks in Harrogate, I'll be back on stage for Manchester, now to have a look at those scripts eh? Meantime, enjoy the Bristol review, via The Public Reviews:
The Sitcom Trials - The Wardrobe Theatre, Bristol
Writers: Luke Cedar, Lewis Cook, Oliver Ley, Vince Stadon, Kev F Sutherland, with additional material by the cast
Director: Roz Hopkinson
Reviewer: Joan Phillips
The Public Reviews Rating: ****(4 stars)
If you enjoy a night out of good comedy then take a group of friends to The Sitcom Trials. You will not be disappointed.
The show format is for short versions of potential brand new sitcoms, competing head to head, performed live before an audience. A sort of Britain's Got Sitcoms.
The evening features 4 productions. The first is about a farmer who would rather be a detective. Like all famous detectives there is no 'Mr'. So, as a tribute to his famous heroes (Morse, Sherlock, Colombo), he insists on being called McDonald. Following on, is a low budget production company trying to cast for some promotion material for the next great new fast food. In the third sitcom we are shocked by the inside world of extortion in (of all places) Glastonbury, where the villains are the druids. The final performance is about a market research company who seem to have allowed their research to have taken over their lives.
The productions are all very funny and each lasts around 15 minutes up to a cliff-hanger moment. Towards the end of the evening the audience get to vote for the best and the cast then come back and perform the second half.
The show was introduced by James Dowdeswell, former Sitcom Trials alumni. Dowdeswell was an excellent host for the evening. Already a headline act at some of the UK's top comedy clubs, he smoothly keeps the process of the competition going with great humour.
At the interval the audience are asked to participate in Pitch Fest. Everyone is asked to submit their own idea for a new sitcom and vote for the best one. Before the end of the evening the supporting cast act out their own improvised version of the winner.
The Sitcom Trials is a stage and TV show originally devised and produced by Kevin Sutherland. It started in Bristol in 1999 and it seems apt that it returns to Bristol to a new venue, The Wardrobe Theatre, specifically set up to support new work using local talent. Located in an upstairs room in the White Bear pub, space is limited so get there early to avoid disappointment. The pub serves good food and has a great atmosphere so have a meal before you go upstairs and finish off the evening with a few drinks as the show finishes comfortably before last orders.
The cast of Closer Each Day, a local comedy sitcom group, also deserve a mention. They provide support to the main cast and the improvisation for the winner of Pitch Fest. They return for a season of improvised comedy of their own at The Wardrobe in September.
The Sitcom Trials will next be in Manchester on July 20th and return to Bristol at The Wardrobe in October.
Bristol Sitcom Trials report & photo: http://sitcomtrials.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/sitcom-trials-bristol-report.html
Time to vote in the Manchester Sitcom Trials script selection, everyone can join in.
There are 40 scripts entered in the Sitcom Trials files for consideration for the Manchester Sitcom Trials on July 20th. Only 5 can be performed on the night, so which will they be? Time for you to help decide.
Simply go to the Files at http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/SitsVac/files/Manchester%20Sitcom%20Trials%202012/ and read as many of the scripts as you can (it doesn't matter if you can't get through them all).
Then we would like you to Review and Vote on the script. Vote Yes, Maybe or No on whether the script deserved to be showcased on stage as part of The Sitcom Trials, and please include a Twitter-length review of each script (this is both to prove you've actually read the script and to provide vital constructive feedback to the author).
Once you've read and reviewed as many scripts as you can, post your finished votes (all together please, don't post votes on individual scripts separately) either on the Sits Vac Forum http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/SitsVac/messages, or on the BSG Forum https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/23202.
These will then be totted up, awarding 2 points to a Yes vote, 1 point to a Maybe vote, and minus 1 point to a No vote. Thus your votes only affect the scripts you've read, and leave unaffected those you haven't.
The deadline for voting is midnight Saturday July 14th so start now and you could have time to read them all. The scripts in contention are:
A midsummer night's ikea sale
A SHAKE YER MONEY MAKERS
a spanner in the works
A Weekend With Wogan Recut
Apocalypse
Audition
Be The Stath
benched
Cally Park Station
Cooper
Deliverance
Diamond Life
Doodlebugs
entry The Neighbour's Wife
entry The Neighbour
Flying Pigs
Games Night Monopoly
Guided by Voices
Hijacked
Home School
Making Heavy Weather
Mr Nice Guy
please die carefully
POSTDOCS
Second Cousin of God - Three Miracles
Serenity Now
Stanburg
STATUS QUO
Steven & Mohammed
THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE
The End of the Line
The Fifth Horseman
The Night Club Faux Pas
The Thrift Collection
Very Friendly Fire
WARTHOGS
Wat's Ethics - Episode 1 - Off The Grid
WHITECOATS- BRAND NEW DRAFT! Manchester Trials - KB.pdf
Wing Man
You Banker!
Just like the brave fools in the first episodes of the Apprentice, I'll go first.
Obviously this is just my opinion and I am by absolutely no means an expert. There are a lot of pilot episodes in here which I've been told before is a no-no along with other pitfalls such as page after page of endless banter or laboured exposition before a plot rears its head, if at all. I tried to read them all as much as I could but only got to the end on a few, most of which got yesses and maybes.
A midsummer nights IKEA - A long, uninspiring sketch, not much of it funny - No
Shake yer money makers - Interchangable dialogue between poorly defined characters - No
A spanner in the works - Takes forever to get to a preposterous plot device, very little believable dialogue and too much repetition - No
A weekend with Wogan - "And this one time, at band camp" is all I could think of every time an anecdote popped it's head up, focus on what's happening now - No
Apocolypse - Pretty clumsy exposition but there's good dialogue with enough plot, character and jokes to work with - Maybe
Audition - I was enjoying it up till the auditions and felt uncomfortable about the stage directions but it worked overall so - Yes
Be the Stath - Like the lead the plot suffers from an identity crisis, is it Peep Show? Shaun of the Dead? Scrubs? Some funny lines but - No
Benched - Some good dialogue and jokes but feels more like a short than a sitcom premise - Maybe
Cally Park - Lots of aimless banter with no sign of a plot or driving force - No
Cooper - Soapbox characters are fine in the right setting, just sitting on a train ranting with nothing else going on doesn't keep me interested - No
Deliverance - Some really great jokes and dialogue even if it veered into anecdotal banter from time to time. A well crafted universe that I enjoyed being in - Yes
Diamond Life - It's not funny 'Both men laugh' no, really 'Both men laugh.' What sitcom does this? - No
Doodlebugs - Some good jokes and fleshed out characters but it could do with being sharper - Maybe
The Neighbours Wife - Pages of indecipherable code, I liked the bit where Neo asked for all the guns. - Will wait for a readable version
Flying pigs - Lots of outdated post 9/11 paranoia jokes, none of them funny and no sign of a plot - No
Games Night - Really liked it but I really hope this is a one off episode premise in a broader sitcom and not just week after week of game playing. Oh and I would have put "Unforseen (Beat) Hiccups" But what do I know - Yes
Guided by voices - Got bored very quickly and couldn't see a way into it - No
Hijacked - My enigma machine is playing up again so I'll have to read an uncoded version. - Jury's out
Home School - In the words of Kirk Lazarus "Never go full retard" Left me cold - No
Mr Nice Guy - I get that your character doesn't like his smug mate, is that going to work for six episodes? - No
Please die carefully - When you'd rather listen to the zombies than the characters then you're in trouble - No
Postdocs - Watch the Big Bang Theory or Fraiser. If you're going to write a sitcom about geniuses then you need zingy dialogue - No
Second cousin of God - A really long sketch, with all the dilution and repetition that implies - No
Serenity Now - When is something going to happen? I don't care about anything that's happening so I stop reading, sorry - No
Stanburg - Some funny lines but I'm still waiting for something to happen - No
Status Quo - Tampons, happy slapping and a viz profanisaurus, not much else - No
Steven and Mohammed - Another train, another load of aimless bantering but with the added "bonus" of a Polish Manuel to ridicule - No
The Alternative Route - Could have started betterbut it had plot, pacing and a true 'Monster' character, needs work but - Yes
The end of the line - Some funny lines and images but the whole thing, by which I mean the entire family conflict and therefore everything I need to know or care about is done in ten minutes, where do we go from here? - Maybe
The Fifth Horseman - Too much breaking the fourth wall with little payoff, also reads like a homage (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here) to 'Good Omens' - No
Nightclub faux pas - Okay here we go - stop, I need to do observational stand up humour - okay carry on - No
Thrift Collection - Good characters, set pieces, plot and jokes it started to wobble towards the end but I stuck with it because the rest was so good - Yes
Very Friendly Fire - The whole premise needs a rethink, it's convoluted and, sadly, not very funny - No
Warthogs - What, the hell, is going, on? I got lost very quickly in quickfire, I don't know what, exchanges of words? - No
Wat's Ethics - A fairly laboured pilot which starts with lots of anecdotal exposition - No
Whitecoats - Reads like a riot in a loony bin, without the organization, some funnies, work on tidying up the plot - No
Wing Man - Mine so - Yes 
You Banker - Some good jokes and characters dotted around a soapbox about banking ethics - Maybe
Good luck to everyone, I look forward to reading the 37 'No' Reviews for Wing Man.
*edit - Missed one
Making Heavy Weather - It's funny but over reliant on past references and feels aimless - No
I've looked at these scripts from two perspectives: A) as an actor, can I grasp the characters straight away, are they clearly defined. B) as a producer would I know what this is as a sitcom, whats the gag rate like, would I want to see not just the cliff hanger but a series (we're writing sitcoms not short plays). If you tick all those boxes you're a yes. If you tick most you're a maybe. If you don't tick any you're a no. I have made sure to read to the end of each even if I didn't like the first couple of pages.
A MIDSUMMER NIGHTS IKEA SALE - NO
It's not a sitcom and there's no actual cliffhanger. There are some good gags here but the relationship between the two lovers could be more defined - the character descriptions at the top don't quite play out for me.
SHAKE YER MONEY MAKERS - NO
There are some nice lines in here but your characters talk too much and ramble - its like you found five ways of saying the same thing but couldn't decide which lines to cut. Get someone to read it out loud for you, you'll hear it's long. It's quite confusing and brevity is the soul of wit etc.
A SPANNER IN THE WORKS - MAYBE
The twist is so very obvious, you could have cut the set up right down and made the police turning up the cliffhanger then the stakes would have been higher. But I like the fact your lead is a terrible drunk, some nice lines, and it feels like a sitcom albeit a very old fashioned one.
A WEEKEND WITH WOGAN - MAYBE
As a sitcom the overall concept of the show isn't clearly defined, but this would be a good episode of whatever the show is. There are some clunky gags and more banter than plot. The cliffhanger seems a little tagged on as does the rushed ending.
APOCALYPSE - NO
I really wanted to like this more but the cliffhanger and resolution is disappointing and the talk of aliens is confusing. The actual apocalypse itself doesn't seem to have been defined. There are some really nice ideas/lines in here though and would like to see some later drafts once you actually figure out the plot.
THE AUDITION - NO
This was just impossible to read. When other people open this are all the words joined together?
BE THE STATH - NO
The whole being the Stath (what would Statham do?) idea doesn't feel like the driving force that it should be. Problems are created and he doesn't do anything Statham like to resolve the issue. The cliffhanger seems completely unrelated to everything else that has been set up.
BENCHED - NO
Again, its not actually a sitcom but some good writing in here. The cliffhanger could do with being just a bit bigger (establishing exactly who the two people are heightens the stakes).
CALLY PARK STATION - MAYBE
Nothing is quite as heightened as much as it could be (the situation, the relationships between the characters) and the resolution is a bit easy but some nice lines and feels like a sitcom.
COOPER - NO
This has some really nice lines and the characters are easy enough to grasp but I'm not sure I would say I know what it is as a sitcom as there isn't actually a plot, it's just a man being grumpy.
DELIVERANCE - MAYBE
I'm torn. This is really good. But its a full length script when the competition is asking for only half of what you've given us. Good characters, some ace lines. Just too bloody long sothat's why it gets a maybe from me instead of a resounding yes. Oh and a note on Jan - if he's Dutch watch you don't write him with your own dialect which you sometimes do).
DIAMOND LIFE - NO
A bit too long on the car/woman metaphors when you could have been hitting the gags a bit harder. The resolution was a bit hasty but there is good writing here. Not a stand out piece but by no means bad.
DOODLEBUGS - NO
The stakes in the cliffhanger aren't clear (although you give us a good reason to care right at the end) and although Annie says she lives with 1940's values we never really see them.
THE NEIGHBOUR and THE NEIGHBOUR'S WIFE - NO
Not a sitcom. I know that sounds harsh, but it isn't. However, the characters combined, a married couple who never communicate directly with each other would make a nice radio sitcom - maybe something to think about for next time?
FLYING PIGS - MAYBE
It's got legs (or wings, whatever). The tannoy bits don't quite work for me, but there is a good gag rate here, defined characters. Although Jenny is such a bitch she must be amazing in other areas for Dylan to like her so much and I do agree with others that the whole middle eastern character paranoia is a bit old.
GAMES NIGHT - MAYBE
The siblings are kind of unlikeable and it runs a bit long but I did find myself wanting to know the outcome and finding out a bit more about why the siblings hated each other. Everything is very on the nose as you're throwing everything in but I can kind of see where it might go as a more subtle sitcom (something akin to Friday Night Dinner).
GUIDED BY VOICES - NO
Just didn't do anything for me. I didn't really like any of the characters other than feeling sorry for Hamish. Can I also suggest that you or a friend read the dialogue outloud as some of the lines are quite clunky.
HIJACKED - NO
Because your upload just appears to me as random strings of code. Are you allowed to upload again if you technically did hit the deadline but something has gone weird?
HOME SCHOOLED - NO
Where's the cliffhanger? If you can buy into what is essentially an abusive relationship there are some nice bits here but it asks a lot of the audience. Also Drew is TOO on the nose - Fran would have punched him.
MAKING HEAVY WEATHER - MAYBE
A nice idea that isn't pushed as much as it could be. It takes a bit too long to find out why there is so much animosity between Stephanie and Karen but as it went on I found some bits that I enjoyed. Frank's arrival pushes believability somewhat.
Mr. NICE GUY - YES
Err, I wrote it, so yes.
ONCE - NO
Hidden away in the forums because you uploaded it wrong. Its not in the list but thought I'd read it anyway. No real gags just a lot of exposition and nothing happens. Not sure what the show is or who the characters are.
PLEASE DIE CAREFULLY - NO
Not much plot happens and some of the dialogue is forced. You occassionally wrote the wrong character names which confused some of the dialogue and you needed to explain why Colleen was dead but not a zombie.
POSTDOCS - YES
The plotting/story isn't great but there are some nice lines here and some good laughs.
SECOND COUSIN OF GOD - NO
Not much happens and I wasn't all that fussed about the characters (which weren't really that defined). Again, read your dialogue out loud or get a friend to read it for you - it doesn't sound real.
SERENITY NOW - NO
Not much happens and although a couple of lines were nice it didn't tickle my funny bone.
STANBURG - NO
There are nice ideas here but no real plot. Tunguska turns up with a gun which is quickly forgotten so we can have a lot of exposition? Show don't tell.
STATUS QUO - NO
Again, lots of tell, no show. Nothing really hit for me, I'm by no means prudish but some of the dialogue was unnecessarily crude and some things didn't ring true - who doesn't know what happy slapping is nowadays?
STEVE AND MOHAMMED - NO
No plot, characters being horrible to each other, and a comedy Polish guy who speaks bad English. Also, I'm not fussy about formatting so long as its readable but sometimes your stage directions and dialogue run together, its just messy.
THE ALTERNATIVE ROUTE - YES
Like Serenity Now this seems too cynical - they know its fake and go along with it anyway. Actually there are a lot of these types of characters this year. If you really want to rip into holistic medicine then have them believe it and really show the pomposity of it all - they can still be money grabbers. I think it might be richer that way. HOWEVER what there is I enjoyed. So it's a yes.
THE END OF THE LINE - NO
Mostly because its not a sitcom its an enclosed piece. It just didn't do anything for me. I'm not sure what kicks the whole thing off - why does she suddenly want a divorce? Also, he's slept with students and then got a promotion? It's stuff like that which undermines the characters/gags/reality of the world you're creating.
THE FIFTH HORSEMAN - NO
I quite liked the idea but don't think you did much with it. A lot of tell when you should have shown. Also, she accepts death too easily - why doesn't Tim try to stop it?
THE NIGHT CLUB FAUX PAS - NO
Simple - It's not a sitcom. (Although the central conceit of someone narrating various embarassing situations is a good one and could be explored in another format).
THE THRIFT COLLECTION - MAYBE
Like Deliverance, I really enjoyed it but its about 7 pages too long and so I'm putting it down as a maybe. Some of the gags fall a bit flat or undermine character (would Nigel admit his pun didn't work?), but generally good and the nam gag actually made me laugh out loud (which hasn't happened much). Again this would be a definite yes but its just too long.
VERY FRIENDLY FIRE - NO
Sadly Gadaffi is dead which undermines the whole thing. He's also been dead for some time now and you had plenty of time to write a new draft. I know you've set it in 2010 (when you wrote it?) but satire needs to be recent. Some of the jokes aren't in character (which aren't too defined to begin with) - would spies know/care about who knocked off a Currys?
WARTHOGS - NO
Just didn't do anything for me. I think you could have picked something much more recent than Princess Diana if you were trying to be edgy. Also, all the characters read the same and not particularly realistically.
WAT'S ETHICS - NO
Just didn't know what the show was about. All the characters are so passive when they should be active - I don't want to hear about an amusing incident that happened last year I want to see what happens this year. And there wasn't a cliffhanger, just a scene that ended.
WHITECOATS - NO
Some funny bits but its the written equivalent of a wall of noise. There are no sane characters to hold on to/care about.
WING MAN - NO
You didn't include the ending so its a hard one to judge. It could be shite. Nice bits but wasn't sure why Luke wanted to sodomise the guy and which one was playing the wing man role?
YOU BANKER - MAYBE
Enjoyed this, some nice punnery/gags. The only thing that let this down for me was the twist - is Carruthers a new recruit as well or another employee - it undermines the scene with the secretary, shouldn't she recognise him?
General thoughts on the whole competition: There seem to be two very popular types of cliffhanger either someone pulls a weapon or an inspector/authority figure is about to arrive and that just gets dull. The biggest gripe I have is the general lack of plot. Lots of talking heads and then the twist/cliffhanger is when the plot kicks in. The cliffhanger should be part of the plot not the entire story. Also lots of talking about events when we should be seeing them play out. And as an actor, there were some scripts that were very difficult to read. Speak your dialogue out loud, make sure it's not clunky. Finally, make sure you follow the brief. Some here just aren't sitcoms. The two scripts and I liked best are a good 7-10 pages too long. Trust me, even if they're good an audience will just remember them as being long compared to everything else. Deliverance and The Thrift Collection would have both been an unequivocal YES from me otherwise.
Is it too late to upload a version of Wing Man with the ending in?
It's in critique if that helps
Quote: sean knight @ July 5 2012, 1:32 PM BSTIs it too late to upload a version of Wing Man with the ending in?
It's in critique if that helps
A question for the moderators I guess, but I'd suggest it is reasonable, same for those who's up-loads are scrambled. Kev?
Quote: SMComedy @ July 5 2012, 11:31 AM BSTThe two scripts and I liked best are a good 7-10 pages too long. Trust me, even if they're good an audience will just remember them as being long compared to everything else. Deliverance and The Thrift Collection would have both been an unequivocal YES from me otherwise.
My generosity above may be related to my own cock-up which related to assuming the brief hadn't changed from the last time I entered about 3 years ago. Then it was 12 mins plus 2/3 (remeber Kev's 'you're only 12 minutes away from something you might like better'?). I hadn't spotted the drop to 8, hence my scripts (Deliverance and Thrift Collection) running rather long. I even went to the trouble of a table reading for Thrift and it came out at around 14 mins so I trimmed a bit. A genuine mistake, but I recognise it means I am outside 'the zone'.
Thanks for the positive stuff so far.
Over to you Kev for what to do next
Had a PM last night off Kev giving me a green light to upload the full ep but will understand if people vote based on the short version.
Really liked your stuff Ponderer so hope it gets through, it can always be trimmed down.
Thanks Sean. Glad you got the option to upload, that seemed fair to me - not sure if my case is so clear-cut. Anyhow, 18 read so far (moving alphabetically) so I hope to be posting my thoughts by the end of the weekend.