I have written a possible different option for my first scene as it was a bit too crazy and relied on the voice overs which I've decided to keep but use sparingly. Thanks so much for the criticism I received last time, it's really helpful.
I've added the second scene again so you can see if it still flows well. Also the general character breakdown is:
Derrick Grodes - He is 26, lives with his mother and did a philosophy degree. He is very insecure about himself and his career and very competitive.
Greg Ackart - The same age as Derrick, they met in Leeds university where he studied Computer science. He doesn't work hard and likes to make fun of his friends but underneath all the humour, he's as unhappy about his life as the others.
Abby Johnson - She went to the same high school as Derrick and even went out for a year with him but they decided they worked better as friends. Abby is really focused and often has to control Derrick and Greg. She and Greg are a bit awkward around each other as they don't know each other well and there will be slight hints of sexual tension which I hope to subtly continue throughout the series.
Liz Davies - Liz is the oldest being 37 and is unhappily married to her husband Charlie who she has a 4 year old daughter with called Holly. Derrick has fancied her since High school and although she is flattered, she is unsure whether she wants to have an actual relationship with him. During their conversations they realised they both want something more from life and they decide to set up a business (not sure what - any help?)
Sorry if this is a really long post, but thanks for checking this out!!
CAREERS ROOM
SCENE ONE
INT. DOMJON'S CAFÉ - AFTERNOON.
ABBY and GREG are sitting on one side of a table in Domjon's café, a cosy family owned café with only a few customers, waiting for DERRICK to enter the pretend 'interview room' even though he is only a few steps away. Derrick 'enters' the room by opening an imaginary door and Greg and Abby stand up to shake his hand.
GREG:
Ah Mr Grodes, good to meet you. Please, take a seat.
(They all sit down)
GREG:
I love your shirt by the way.
DERRICK:
Why thank you. My friend Greg suggested it.
GREG:
He has impeccable taste.
ABBY:
Guys! Come on! Be serious. If he wants to get the job he has to ace the interview. So far I see no aceing!
DERRICK:
I thought my handshake was pretty good.
ABBY:
Actually, it was really firm. How is your right arm so strong?
GREG:
Don't answer that.
ABBY (sighing):
Let's just start again. Mr Grodes, why do you want to go into publishing?
DERRICK:
I've always been interested in Literature-
GREG:
You liar! You don't read.
DERRICK:
I read all the time!
GREG:
Victoria's Secret catalogues and Simpsons comics don't count.
DERRICK:
Oh.
ABBY:
Greg! You're not meant to be yourself, you're playing a character. You don't know him.
GREG (sneering):
I know his type.
DERRICK:
Abby! Tell him to take this seriously. I really need this job. Mum keeps on putting the property section in obvious places at breakfast and there are only so many times I can spill my coffee on it.
GREG:
I am helping you! You've got to be ready for anything. In my interview for Albright School they made me wait half an hour just to psych me out.
ABBY:
One of the students had an epileptic fit.
GREG (scoffs):
Oh yeah, okay!
ABBY:
Look, this is not working.
(To Derrick)
Sorry but we don't think you're right for the job. Now I've got to get work, don't want to get caught in traffic!
Abby walks off behind the counter which is only a couple of metres away and tries to look busy.
DERRICK:
Abby, you work here.
GREG:
She's not herself, she's playing a character. You don't know her. Jesus, Derrick, it's not difficult.
DERRICK:
Abby tell Greg-
ABBY:
Sorry, I'm working right now.
Greg and Derrick look around. There are no customers needing help or waiting in front of the counter but Abby continues to ignore them. They turn back to each other.
GREG (to Derrick):
Sorry that you didn't get the job. If it's any consolation, you were in my top three.
DERRICK:
Top three?
GREG (nonchalantly):
One of my interviewees co-created YouTube and the other created the cure for cancer.
DERRICK:
There hasn't been a cure for cancer yet.
GREG:
I know, I interviewed him in 2054.
Greg shrugs.
GREG (CONT'D):
Yeah, he also created the time machine.
DERRICK:
Oh he sounds pretty cool! When can I meet him then?
GREG:
No, he hates you.
DERRICK:
He hasn't met me!
GREG (sneering):
He knows your type.
Camera cuts to Abby who is staring at them incredulously.
ABBY V.O:
Those guys right there, those are your friends.
Abby mimes putting a gun in her mouth, shooting herself and dropping her head on the counter, in a pretend suicide. When she gets back up a male customer and his young daughter are staring at her shell shocked. Abby looks at them awkwardly then pretends nothing happened.
ABBY:
Hi, welcome to Domjon's cafe, what can I get you?
SCENE TWO
INT. RECEPTION OF REDHOUSE'S PUBLISHING LTD. - MORNING.
Four men and a woman, all formally dressed, are sitting in the comfy seats of the waiting room studiously avoiding eye contact. One of them is Derrick who is wearing the exact same shirt as the man next to him. They make eye contact, awkwardly smile at each other, and then when they look away, Derrick scans his shirt and grimaces.
DERRICK V.O:
Damn you Greg and your mainstream fashion style. Oh man, I'm sweating. Why is no one else sweating? Maybe they are. I'll casually smell the guy next to me and check.
Derrick sniffs the guy next to him who glances back then moves slightly away.
DERRICK V.O (CONT'D):
Oh god, he smells like success. I'm so screwed. Calm down, Derrick, you can do this, just remember what you practiced. You want to be a publisher so you can help introduce new forms of literature to the world. Wait, but what if the guy next to me wants to do that too?
Derrick sneaks a glimpse at the guy next to him.
DERRICK V.O (CONT'D):
I hate Same Shirt guy.
The interviewer comes into the room and calls out a name. The man next to Derrick gets up and follows the man with a smarmy smile on his face. They pass Liz who is just entering the building.
LIZ V.O:
Hope no one realises I'm late. Why did Holly have to have her primary school production today? I don't know why they bother, people only come to those things for the cake.
Liz sits down next to Derrick. She looks around at all the interviewees.
LIZ V.O (CONT'D):
They all look so young. Quick, say something to show you belong.
LIZ (to DERRICK):
It's so quiet in here! Hashtag awkward!
LIZ V.O:
Nicely done, Liz.
LIZ:
Speaking of awkward, those changes to Facebook and YouTube what a backfire! They just make it harder to Facebook and...Tube stuff.
Derrick stares at her. Liz looks away, embarrassed.
LIZ V.O:
Damn it Liz, you got cocky. Tone it down.
DERRICK V.O:
I really miss Same Shirt guy.
LIZ V.O:
Wait, that guy looks so familiar. Have I met...did I teach him English? Derrick something? If so, it's really depressing that we're going for the same job.
LIZ:
Hey, did I teach you English? At Clover field High School?
Derrick looks at her like she's mad.
LIZ (pointing at herself):
Miss Miller? I hope you are who I think you are or this will get really hashtag awkward.
Derrick tries to remember. He's about to shrug when a show reel of clips of Liz's breasts, in various tops as she teaches in front of a whiteboard, with joyous music in the background, is shown.
DERRICK:
Oh Miss Miller! Wow! How have you been? You haven't aged at all!
(Liz giggles)
LIZ:
What? No! What? Really? Well, I went to yoga -
LIZ V.O: Once.
LIZ (CONT'D): And I try and eat my five a day!
CUT TO:
Liz, in a dirty too-small top and tracksuit bottoms, is rummaging through the fridge. She takes out a 750 L carton of innocent smoothies and checks the label.
LIZ:
Two of my five a day! Don't mind if I do. Oh wait, it's out of date.
Liz is about to put the carton back in the fridge when she pauses and grabs a carton of milk. She pours some milk in the carton and shakes it, then sniffs the carton before cautiously taking a sip. She makes a sour face then shrugs and starts drinking.
BACK TO:
DERRICK:
Well, you look great! Are you still teaching? Or are you going for the assistant job as well?
LIZ:
No I gave up teaching when-
LIZ V.O:
When I had a child. When I had a child. When I had a child.
LIZ:
When I decided teaching was not for me. So I'm applying for the assistant job too.
LIZ V.O:
I should've told him I have a child. Who cares if he thinks I still look 28? All right, I care but I shouldn't! Feminism, Liz, feminism.
(The interviewer comes out again and calls Derrick's name).
DERRICK:
I need to go but we should totally catch up. There's this place on Kings Heath high street called Domjon's café where my friend Abby works. You remember Abby right? We went out for a bit in high school? Doesn't matter if you don't, If you come around 2ish I'll reintroduce you and you can meet my friend Greg as well.
DERRICK V.O:
And then I will seduce you with my vast knowledge of literature and we will have lots of sex.
LIZ V.O:
Say no. You have a husband and a kid. Who's making you drive half an hour extra a day for a school production where she plays a tree. In Matilda. Whilst your 40 year old husband plays skyrim.
LIZ:
See you then!
END OF SCENE
It's less blah than the other one and has less gags but I think it reveals the characters a bit more and has a more relaxed opening. Feedback is appreciated! 