British Comedy Guide

Summary and part of episode 1 for my series?

Summary
A series based around a football team and its players. The football team started off as D.C.S.I Jaguars but was a very poor team. The manager then decided to start a totally new club with the name Phoenix Rangers. With the help of two of the player's parents; Phoenix Rangers started a really intense pre-season, with John Yates starting his really harsh but effective fitness routine. Simon Evans become the tactical genius and got the team playing together. The team really perform over 3 seasons getting promoted to the top league which gives the players a massive chance of being spotted by a professional team, which is exactly happens to star player Adam Burnett. Who signs a professional contract.

Characters

Adam Burnett- Main Character

Adam Burnett plays as the main character as he becomes the star player of Phoenix Rangers, when Adam is playing for D.C.S.I Jaguars he is just an average player, but when the team changes and improves so does Adam, he turns from an average player to a very good player due to his commitment to the new team. The team are a loud and outgoing bunch, however Adam doesn't really fall into these two categories as he is a quite person and doesn't really like to join in with much the team do or take part in any of the banter, even if it is aimed at him, which most of it is.

Ken McCarthy - Manager

Ken is the manager of the team and he is has great faith and patience in his players, Ken was a very good player in his youth and he passes on all of his experience to the team, Adam Burnett really looks up to his manager and sees him as quite an inspirational figure, because of this Adam really starts to improve and become a very good player. Ken is the father to one of the other players who is Ryan McCarthy.

Simon Evans - Tactical Genius

Simon Evans was also very good in his youth and was on target for a professional contract before a horrible injury put him out of football for life. So his only alternative is to help coach a group of youngsters. Simon played the same position as Adam Burnett which is as a striker and works with Adam and the other striker to really improve their game which has a massive effect on both of them. Simon is the father of Joe Evans another player in the team.

John Yates- Fitness Coach

John played rugby in younger days, became a fitness coach for a professional rugby team. After leaving his rugby team, he started to help Phoenix Rangers with their fitness and put together a very harsh routine that had benefits to have everyone in the team. He is The father of Lewis Yates.

Ryan Mcarthy- Player

Ryan is one of the players in the team, he very rarely gets a game even though his father is the manager. Ryan is best mates with Adam. Ryan is quite a strange character but also funny.

Lewis Crance- captain

Robbie Wilder- Player

Robbie is one of the better players in the team, he is very good mates with Adam and Ryan. He is a player that is popular in the team and gets on with everyone, he also laughs at anything, which can make him quite a funny character.

Samuel Brown- Player

Sam is the team clown is always get's the laughs, he is also very crude and grim. He likes to make fun of everyone and can also be seen as the nob head in the team.

Episode One- Relegation

Main Characters involved: Adam Burnett, Robbie Wilder, Ryan McCarthy, Samuel Brown and Ken McCarthy.

It is the last game of the season for D.C.S.I Jaguars and they are placed 2nd bottom in the league and have to win to avoid the drop, unfortunately they have got top of the league that have gone unbeaten this season.

Ken McCarthy: Right boys, come on in please. (Shouting, looking a bit anxious)

The team run to Ken to get their team talk, sam runs past Robbie....

Samuel: Hey, Robbie (running with cheeky grin on his face)
Robbie: what Sam? (saying reluctantly)
Sam: DE BAG, Wheeyyy. ...........Look at your little pork sword! ( sam laughs and runs away)

The rest of the team laugh at Robbie, Robbie looks at the floor with embarrassment

Ken McCarthy: Sam stop being an idiot, get your head on the game. We have an important game today. (Ken is looking angry and nervous) Now the team for today: In goal Alix Clark, Defence will be: Josh Start, Joe Evans, Connor Ward, and Lewis Yates. Midfield: Samuel Brown, Connor Bawler, Richard Mwansa, Robbie Wilder. Up front we will have: Adam Burnett and Toby Abbot.
Now lads this is going to be a really good test of your commitment and passion towards this club, yes we may have top of league and we lost 12-0 last time but this is to stay in the league. SO COME ON BOYS, GIVE IT ONE LAST PUSH AND LET GIVE THESE A GAME WORTH PLAYING!

The Team are now pumped up following Ken's team talk, get into their huddle on the pitch

Lewis Crane: Lads what Ken said he right let's give these bastards a game, Ken has stood by this season so let's give him something to cheer, Hands in!! Three, Two, One
The Team: JAGUARS

The game kicks off and the team start to get the better of the opposition, Connor Bawler plays a perfect ball through the defender to Adam Burnett, Adam takes it round the keeper and slots the ball home, 1-0 Jaguars.
Ken: Well done lads, great goal keep it up!!
Ken looks at Adam and gives him the thumbs up.

Jaguars are taking full control of the game, until the opposition striker gets hold of the ball and runs at Sam, the striker beats Sam, sam goes in with a late tackle and hurts the players, the tackle is worthy of a red card.
Opposition Striker: Fat Prick, Me and you after the game!
Sam: The reason I'm fat mate, is cos' every time I shagged your mum she gave me a biscuit!

Because of Sam' actions the referee is forced to send him off, so now Jaguars are down to 10 men and have a disadvantage.

Adam: For f**k sake Sam, what was the need in it!
Sam: Cos' he is a f**king pussy, hardly touched him!
Adam: aghh whatever Sam, get off the pitch you have already lost us the game!

Sam walks off the pitch and has to face his manager after letting him down.
Ken does nothing but just stares at Sam and shakes his head in disappointment.
After this incident Jaguars lose all momentum and the opposition start to dominate the match scoring goal after goal. The game ends 10-1 and all the lads are in a disheartened mood after being relegated.
The lads walk back into the changing rooms knowing that they are going to get an absolute grilling from their manager.

Ken: What was that lads, absolutely abysmal, I have never felt so disappointed. As for you Sam what were you thinking? You're an embarrassment to the team; you've let me down, the team down and yourself down! I think you should go away and think about your actions, I better see an improvement or you're not playing next season.

One of the opposition players come bursting into the changing room after Sam:
Opposition Player: Come on then you fat f**k, let's go!
At this point same is in nothing but his white boxers!, with shit skids on them.
Sam say nothing but goes flying in with windmill fists, before the fight can get too serious, Ken splits it up and the opposition manager takes his player away.

Adam: Sam?
Sam: What?
Adam: Can tell you shit yourself, hahaha
Sam looks round to his boxers and realises his shit skids and just sits down with embarrassment.

Tell me what you think please, honest opionion.

Moved to Critique for you. :)

what's critique?

The Critique forum, where people can give you their opinions on your work and ideas.

ahh ok, thanks

No problem!

All the character summaries and stuff you've listed at the top of your post, how are you going to get that information across to the audience? If someone's a 'tactical genius' then you'd have to show it through them repeatedly making clever decisions during matches for example. Also you may have Adam in mind as your main character, but if he's a quiet person then he's probably not going to have a great deal of influence over your plots or how they escalate. Think about making him a more outgoing personality or switch your focus to another character who'd stand more chance of dominating a story.

It's a nice idea for a sitcom Thomas, I'd certainly watch it, but the little extract you posted didn't do much for me. (The biscuit line in particular has been done to death)

Good luck with it though.

yes, I can see where your both coming from. this is a new thing for me it is something I have recently started. I will be the first to admit my writing skills aren't good, and I would like someone on board with good writing skills to do this justice. Thanks for the feedback.

I'd reccomend reading a couple of guides on how to write sitcom, the Mark Blake one is a goody. As at the moment you're not getting the structuring that's essential.

And the biscuit joke is ancient and famous.

I think its an original idea for a sitcom and could be funny. I agree with the other posters, there needs to be a way to get more information about the characters over to the audeince. This is a short segment, however, I know!
Where will the humour come from eventually. Will it be crude - as some of the humour in this sketch? will there be satire of the sport? Physical comedy on the field?
I would cut the scene off at the point where Sam's 'accident' is revealed. I would make his opponent back off in disgust and his team-mates laugh. Perhaps he does it on purpose when the opponent is grabbing him from behind. I'm no fan of this kind of humopur generally - but a fart noise might help (?).
Please read some of mine and let me know what you think. :D

Why is it actually funny?

How does it subvert from the norm of football teams?

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