I wrote this a couple of months back, it was my first ever Comedy Script and got duly rejected by the BBC writesroom, Since then I have written 7 other pilot comedy scripts, one has been rejected, 2 are ready to go, 2 have been sent and 2 more need to be finished off.
I am only 16 and fitting this in around GCSE studies is sort of difficult...
But I would like your opinions on what I have written and if there is anywhere I can improve and first of all is it funny?
It is about a group of young sailors, please be aware it does take a few pages to get going.
All feedback will be warmly excepted,
Thanks
Alternately I have copied it out of celtx here:
SCENE 1 INT. kitchen [5:05am]
Dad (45) is cooking above the gas hob on the other side of the kitchen, by a large window. Dom enters wearing tacky clothes.
Dad
Morning.
DOM
Shouldn't that be night.
DAD
Come over here?
DOM
Just out of interest did mum come and force you to make Breakfast.
Dad
Yeah, I was having a wonderful dream about eating the most delicious bacon butty, 5 minutes later I am standing down here making one.
The fire on the hob goes out. Dad tries to light it again but fails.
dAD
You take over, I am sure you're good at making fires.
DOM
What?
Dad
Your 17, need I say more.
DOM
Oi, It wasn't me who set that car on fire across the road, it must have been some delinquent yob.
Dad looks at Dom and chuckles and does not believe him, but smiles.
DAD
Don't think I don't know what you got up to last night.
DOM
It wasn't me who set the car on fire.
Dad
That's not what I am talking about I saw you clambering up that drain pipe to see your girlfriend.
DOM
But I was so careful.
Dad
Lets hope so.
Dom looks confused, then realizes what his dad is talking about.
Dad
Don't worry, I am not going to tell mum but for next time, make sure there is no one about before you start mounting S.A.S missions.
Mum enters.
MUM
Mounting what?
Dad
That is exactly what I was thinking.
DOM
Its errm Navy slang, for mooring a ship.
Dad
[Whisper to Dom] She is not that stupid.
MUM
OK then.
Dad
[Whisper to Dom] Well maybe she is.
MUM
Right, come on let's get you smartened up, you look like your dressed up to cause trouble.
dAD
[Whisper to Dom] Let's just hope you weren't.
DOM
[Whisper to Dad] For the last time I didn't burn the car.
Mum, starts to clean in the kitchen.
DOM
Anyway mum, I don't leave for another 10 hours.
Dom lights the hob and Dad starts cooking sausages.
MUM
Maybe, but you are now representing this country, you should be in uniform at all time.
DOM
Jeez, the commanders aren't as strict as you, we are allowed to wear our own clothes on the ship.
MUM
I will have none of that I want you in uniform all the time.
dad
Oh [sympathetic to Dom], leave him alone dear.
MUM
I don't know why you had to run off and join the navy.
DOM
I didn't run anywhere, I just casually walked down to my local center.
Dad
I was in the navy at 15, It didn't do me any harm.
Mum
Yes but it was different back then, there was nothing else to do, nowadays he could be a banker a surgeon in a private hospital not on the NHS, or even a columnist.
Dad
A what?
MUM
A columnist.
Dad
Jeez for a second there I thought you said communist.
MUM
And there weren't any wars back then, nowadays the middle east is more like one big war zone, than a set of countries.
Dad
I'll let you know, I served in the Falklands War.
Mum does not hear as she is busy cleaning.
MUM
And, I don't want you mixing with the wrong sort of people.
DOM
What do you mean, I share a room with 5 others.
mum
We, will be having none of that, I will speak to the captain for you.
Dad
He can't change where he is sleeping, he is at the bottom of the bottom.
mum
He is my little boy, and I don't want him sleeping with 5 other people until we know their social standing.
dom
We do have separate beds.
DAD
He is not your little boy anymore, he is taller than you, and anyway, he has to sleep there he is the lowest rank on the ship, no one can just go straight to captain.
MUM
Not even when they have the highest education and have the ability to be in command.
Dad
He went to the local state comprehensive, not blooming Eton.
MUM
It was the best school in the area.
Dad
It was the only school in the area and anyway it doesn't matter, Nelson went to the best school in Britain at the time, and started off at the bottom, just like Dom here.
MUM
Wow I didn't know Nelson Mandela was a captain.
DOM and DAD look at each other and shake there heads.
DOM
No, not him mum, Admiral Horatio Nelson.
MUM
Oh think of it, my son the admiral, the Horatio.
Brother pops his head behind the door.
brother
Admiral dork more like...
Brother exits
MUM
And, I don't want you going off swearing, or getting into fights and especially going off with girls every time you dock, you have got responsibilities, a girlfriend you know.
Dad
Yes, I do think he knows that.
MUM
Oh, and be careful of what you eat, I don't want you catching scurvy and all the other horrible things sailors catch.
dad
I don't think sailors get that nowadays dear, he is going on a 21st century battleship for Christ sake, not the Spanish Armada.
MUM
That reminds me what if you have to go to war?
DOM
We are trained for all eventualities.
MUM
Oh my poor little baby, in a war zone.
Mum pats him on his head.
Dad
Oh, please.
MUM
And I don't want you getting any tattoos, just because most seamen like to turn their skin into picture galleries, it doesn't mean you have to, just think when you are old your skin will be like a dried up prune and what will the tattoos look like then.
Dad
Look he is 17, I think he knows how to look after himself.
DOM
Don't worry, where I am going she won't be able to keep a eye an me.
Dom winks at dad.
MUM
Now, look, we have brought you up to respect yourself, and remember, respect earns respect, don't let your values slide, always try to do what is right.
DOM
Really, I thought the only way to get respect in this day and age was to pay somebody for it.
MUM
Now, this is only friendly advise but I've no doubt you will do what you like but don't say I didn't warn you.
Scene 2 int. Bernards office on the ship [12:00]
Bernard (40) (Northern, bold) is sitting at a desk with Richard (32).
Bernard
Right, so as you know you have got two new baby sailors in your mess, they will both be sleeping in the same room as you and I want you to keep an eye on them.
Richard
Is there anything, I should know about them, like the guy you dumped on me before..
Bernard
[Confused] Hu?
RICHARD
Yes you remember him, the one who gets harbor sickness, forget sea sickness, this one had already painted the mess deck walls a nice shade of yellow before we had even left the docks.
Bernard
Well, one comes from a council estate, so he should be used to the ship, seeing how old those council blocks are, they probably rock from side to side anyway.
Richard
Let us have a look at his school file?
Bernard gets out a very thin file.
Richard
Small isn't it.
Bernard gets out a very thick file.
Richard
Whats that?
Bernard
His criminal record.
Richard
Jesus Christ, it is bigger than the blooming bible...
Bernard
Yeah but this is a dam more interesting.
RICHARD
I didn't know we accepted criminals, I know that most people start of here without a criminal record, and within two years of leaving the navy have got one but...
Bernard
It is part of a new idea, to stop overcrowding in prisons and bring youth crime down.
RICHARD
Well that is one way of saying there are less criminals in England, there just all on a boat somewhere in the Atlantic.
Bernard
Have a look at his record.
Richard looks at his record.
RICHARD
Jeez, he committed his first offence at 7 years old
Bearnard
Yeah, he was helping his father break into a house.
Richard
When I was 7 I was playing football with my father.
Bearnard
His father has been in and out of prison for most of his life, his Mum is an alcoholic, who seems to have a smash up at her flat every Saturday night.
RICHARD
My mum used to do baking on Saturdays nights, she made the most delicious scones in the neighbor hood, so we used to have a bunch of old biddies around every Saturday night, usually moaning how all young people where a disgrace and I had to sit in the corner while they cross examined me like I was on trial.
BERNARD
He has spent six months in a Juvenile prison for numerous things TWOC, GBH, and was either given the option of going back to prison or doing national service, you know which one he chose
Richard
That's one way to sort them out, they come on here with minor offensives, and by the time they leave they have literally been given a one to one lesson on how to kill. But I wouldn't call, calling someone a TWOC in the street as an offence.
Bernard
No, you tonto, it means Taking without consent.
Richard
Oh.
Bernard
Well anyway, On the bright side If he has spent time in prison, he should be used to cramp conditions down there.
Richard
You got to be joking its 6 to a room here, and 2 to a room in prison, and the rooms are bigger in prison, it's like go from Buckingham palace down to a council flat in Croydon. What about the other one who is he going to be, billy the kid.
BERNARD
Yes and No, but he has got the most over powering mother I have ever had the misfortune of talking to, she phoned me up earlier asking for the social standings of everyone in his mess deck, than asked If she can speak to the admiral of the fleet about getting him promoted. I tried to explain to her how it all worked but she was having none of it, she kept referring to him as her little baby. In the end I hung up on her.
RICHARD
A woman like that, what are you going to do if she comes after you?
BERNARD
She won't, she will come after you, I gave her your name instead.
RICHARD
What?
BERNARD
Just one of those perks of being a Warrant officer, but watch him, looking at his school record, he doesn't seem to like management, he's been suspended twice mainly for being cheeky, lazy and rude, but his mum insists it was not his fault, she claims the words just fell out of his mouth.
Richard
When will they learn, we don't need a bunch of delinquent youths in the navy, God knows we have got enough of them as officers, what we need is a bunch of hard working young lads ready to do an honest day's work for an honest day's wage, most kids come on here just to increase the human population and be able to say to their mates they have got a kid on every continent.
SCENE 3 INT. the mess deck [14:00]
Bernard, Dom and Michael (17) are entering into the mess deck lounge.
BERNARD
And finally this is you mess, where you sleep, socialize, shower and scream, usually you do the last too at the same time.
Dominic is peering in Bearnard's Book
Micheal
What, so you have led us on a 50 mile tour of this ship for absolutely nothing, do you know how much this thing weighs?
BERNARD
You're not in the Girl Guides anymore.
DOM
The Girl Guides you've got to be joking the brownies wouldn't even except him.
Michael
Oi.
BERNARD
Dickie!!
Richard enters from inside the lounge.
RICHARD
Yes, Sir
BERNARD
These are the two new seamen, I was telling you about, this is their first deployment, so I want you lot to treat them like you do to all the new recruits, hang their boxers from a flag pole, change their tooth paste for soap, you know the drill.
RICHARD
Will do Sir.
Bernard turns to Michael and Dom
BERNARD
Right, this is Dickie, he is in charge of this mess and this is, Josh, Reece and Peter, who you will be sharing a bedroom with.
MICHAEL
Hu?? In the same bed, I know this ship is a bit small but come on.
BERNARD
Small, Il have you know this is the 3rd largest ship in Her Majesties Royal Navy.
DOM
Really, because compared to that cruise liner moored next door this boat looks more like a bloody tug, you'd be better off attaching a bunch of machine guns to the side of that, that would deter the pirates more than this thing.
Bernard turns to Richard.
BERNARD
See what, I was saying this one has got more lip than football commentator and this one is just plain arrogant. [Pause] I will leave them with you...
Richard
Yes, don't you worry, I will kick them into shape.
Richard kicks Dominic.
BERNARD
Yes, and remember, if any of you misbehave, or get into any trouble whatsoever, you will be answering to me, and I used to work in the prison service and compared to you lot they were saints.
Micheal
Did they support Southampton as well?
DOM
Why did you leave?
BERNARD
I didn't leave, I got kicked out for being to harsh.
Bernard leaves and Dom, Michael and Richard walk into the Mess lounge, their are about 20 sailors but the import ones are Peter Penndel, Reece Morgan and Joshua Jinks (Who has a strong scouser accent).
Richard
He actually used to work in the toy department at Debenhams. [Pause] Right, let me introduce you to the people you will be sharing a cell, I mean room with, [he walks over to the 3 sailors] This is Jinksy, Perfect Peter and Mucky Morgan.
Joshua is wearing a cap back to front.
Joshua, Peter and REECE
Alright?
DOM
[Walks towards Reece] Why do they call you mucky Morgan? [He smells Reece] Phew, do you actually have any hot water on this ship.
Richard
Yeah, he just chooses not to use any.
Reece
Oi,I have a shower once a week, I was always tought not to waste water and to protect the environment.
MICHAEL
Who was your dad David Attenbrough?
DOM
What about the environment down here, it stinks like a blooming compost heap, I'll go open a window...
Richard
That would be kind of difficult,
DOM
Why?
Richard
Look around you, there are no windows down here.
MICHAEL
What happens if you are claustrophobic?
Reece
Your buggered.
DOM
And Gassed.
Richard
Come on, I'll show you, to your room.
Dom, Reece, Michael, Richard and Joshua head towards their bedrooms and Peter heads up deck.
SCENE 4 INT. MESS DECK BEDROOM [14:05]
The bedroom is tiny there are a set of wardrobes and then a set of 3 beds stacked on top of each other on each side. Enter Dom, Reece, Michael, Richard and Joshua.
Richard
We've saved you two the top bunks.
JOSHUA
Good news If you like heights, bad news if you roll around at night.
MICHAEL
Don't they have safety nets?
JOSHUA
You're having a laugh mate, where have you been sleeping, with your mommy.
Michael
Actually, no, prison.
Silence.
JOSHUA
Wicked, that is so cool?
Richard
How is it cool, he spends 6 months stuck indoors tying knots, sleeping and swearing, but I suppose down your way you would get branded as a nerd, If you did not have at least one of your relatives in the Nick.
Reece
Just like us then?
RICHARD
No unlike them you actually get paid for doing naff all.
Joshua
Is my accent really that strong.
DOM
Your accent is so strong it makes Cilla Black, sound like a Londoner.
JOSHUA
So you can tell I am from the north then.
DOM
Mate, I can tell that, you lived at 42 Wallington drive, Liverpool, and you supported the reds.
JOSHUA
You can tell all that from my accent?
DOM
No I saw it in Bearnard's book.
Richard
Right unpack your stuff.
Peter enters.
Peter
Joshua, Bernard wants to see you in his office.
JOSHUA
Oh for gods sake I have only been on board for less than an hour what in heavens name could I have done.
Peter
Blaspheme
DOM
Twice
JOSHUA
Oh shut up!
Joshua knocks Peters cap off and exits.
Reece
What's he done?
Peter
Something, to do with his hair.
DOM
Yeah I wounded why he was wearing that cap back to front, I didn't really like to mention it, I haven't known him very long and just figured he was too stupid to know how to put one on properly.
Joshua overhears and enters.
JOSHUA
Its fashion actually, something you seem to know nothing about.
Joshua exits.
DOM
Yeah thanks Gok Wan, when I want fashion tips from someone, who where's the biggest glasses this side of the Atlantic, I'll ask Ronnie Corbet.
SCENE 5 INT. Bernards office [14:15]
Joshua knocks on the door.
BERNARD
Come in!
Joshua enters.
BERNARD
Ah Jinksy ma lad.
JOSHUA
Please don't call me that Sir...
BERNARD
Why?
JOSHUA
It makes everyone think I am a jinx on the ship.
BERNARD
Well you are, the last ship you went on is now 3,000m below the Atlantic.
Before Joshua can saying anything, Bernard continues.
BERNARD
I thought you where meant to take your cap of when you are addressing a senior officer.
JOSHUA
I am a communist.
BERNARD
A communist, what?
JOSHUA
Just a communist, not two communists.
BERNARD
Shouldn't that be a communist sir?
JOSHUA
Us commis don't believe in ranks.
BERNARD
Yes and us fat knackers don't believe in hard work but we still have to do it.
JOSHUA
I have always been a communist.
BERNARD
Really on your last trip you where a fascist, did Hitler not fulfill your requirements. Are you seeing if Starlin got a bit more juice in him then. [Pause] [Snapping] Now take your cap off.
Joshua remove's his cap to show a full head of long hair.
BERNARD
Ah, You've got hair like a bloody great party, you have hair like a bird in future my cocker and Il send you and get you a bloody perming you can go to shore in hair net, but you're not coming on board my war canoe with hair like that alright? You will get it cut and it will stay cut.
JOSHUA
But? Its fashion.
BERNARD
For girls maybe?
JOSHUA
[Under his breath] Well it is better than being bold.
BERNARD
Don't Bleat boy!
JOSHUA
What?
BERNARD
Don't mutter under your breath ma lad, now go and get it get it cut.
JOSHUA
But?
BERNARD
Don't be so Wet, jinksy!!
Joshua opens the door.
JOSHUA
[Angrily] Its Josh sir!!
BERNARD
I thought communist weren't meant to say SIR!!
Joshua ignores and walks out, he puts his cap back on and walks off. Bernard shakes his head and starts writing.
SCENE 6 INT. MESS DECK Corridor outside the bedroom [14:30]
Richard and Reece are talking out side the mess deck room. Behind them Dom and Michael are starting to UN-pack.
Richard
As this is your 2nd deployment, I am going to try and get you started on cooking more difficult dishes for the Officers.
REECE
They have different food? I thought we all ate the same junk.
Richard
They wouldn't be caught dead, eating what we eat, chips, pies and Sausages, aren't really there sort, fried squid and you are getting closer.
REECE
Argg [In disgust] fried squid, I think I will stick with my pie and chips...
From the background...
DOM
[Pulls out a pair of knickers which are bright pink and large] What?
MICHEAL
[Snatches them of Dom] The girls mess is across the corridor.
DOM
I am not a bird...
MICHEAL
Your underwear seems to think other wise(Pause) Oi, Dickie, Reece look at this...
Reece and Richard turn around and start to laugh.
REECE
Pink aren't they?
DOM
[Sarcastically] No their brown.
REECE
Well they would be if you got nervous wearing them.
MICHEAL
Id be nervous if I had to wear them.
DOM
Not much chance as that, [Snatches them off Micheal] you could fit all 4 of us in there.
DOM
[He looks at them and sees a note] Whats this? [Reads the Note] Son, Hahahaha, Wish I could see your face now, this is the exact same prank my father did to me on my first deployment. Have fun and try not to kill me on your return... P.S. Don't pick them up, I forgot to wash them, they where straight off your mum into your suitcase LOL!
Dom throws them onto the floor as Peter enters.
PETER
What so wrong with pink underwear, I wear them all the time.. [Pulls down his trousers to show his pink pants]
Enter Joshua.
JOSHUA
[Shocked] Jesus I didn't think we had arrived at that time already.
DOM
These aren't mine they are my Mums.
JOSHUA
Ive heard of people bringing pictures or their mums on board but that's ridiculous.
DOM
No my dads.
JOSHUA
Oh, each one to they own.
DOM
[Getting annoyed] Look it was just a prank by my dad, [Picks them up again] I am not going to wear them.
Enter Captain Graham (45)(Big Muscles) no one notices him.
GRAHAM
Oh, the pink nickers prank, how original, tell your dad to come up with a better one next time.
Everyone turns around comes out of the mess bedroom and into the corridor and stands to attention accept Joshua. Dom is standing next to Joshua. Graham starts to inspect them.
DOM
[Towards Joshua and whispering] Why aren't you standing to attention?
JOSHUA
[Whispering]I am a communist.
DOM
[Whispering] You don't look Chinese?
JOSHUA
[Whispering] I am not Chinese you div.
DOM
[Whispering] Well how come you are a communist then?
JOSHUA
[Whispering] Communism is not just reserved for the lucky Chinese.
DOM
[Whispering] I wouldn't call a race which is constantly been taken the mick out by the Americans and has to eat rice on a daily basis lucky.
JOSHUA
[Whispering] I hate the Americans and their capitalist ways, 'Viva La Republica' my arse 'Viva La Communista'.
DOM
[Whispering] Sorry I don't understand Spanish.
Richard
[Shouts] Quiet in the ranks.
JOSHUA
I don't like the yanks.
DOM
Well you better get to like them they are our biggest and and at this moment in time our only ally. They drag us into everything...
JOSHUA
Hu, [Points at the captain] Anyway whats he got what I haven't?
DOM
A left hook that would give Muhammad Ali, a run for his money.
JOSHUA
So, I bet I am a faster runner.
DOM
Really I didn't know you could run on water.
JOSHUA
What?
DOM
Mate if you hadn't notice we are on a ship, what you going to do run around and around in circles.
Before Joshua can respond, Captain Graham stands in front of Dom.
DOM
[Does the hand salute] Sir?
GRAHAM
New recruit, not in your uniform?
DOM
Just got on board sir.
GRAHAM
No excuses, you should be in uniform at all time, you are representing this ship.
DOM
[Under his breath] Jeez, you sound just like my Mum.
GRAHAM
Don't bleat boy, now you know what you have got to do when you start tomorrow.
DOM
Yes sir? I will be at your service early tomorrow morning.
All the other sailors start to giggle. The Lieutenant comes running in called roger (40)
Roger
Sir, your are needed urgently Lieutenant Kentucky wants to speak to you.
GRAHAM
Jeez, I didn't know they had started privatizing the navy, what will it be next admiral McDonald?
Graham and Roger leave and all the sailors relax.
DOM
Lieutenant Kentucky your having me on, whats his surname fried chicken.
Dom laughs but no one else does. Reece and Peter exit towards the lounge and Micheal goes back and carries on unpacking.
DOM
[Slowly] OK then
RICHARD
He is 3rd in charge of the ship and for you information that's is surname, his first name is Fredrick.
DOM
I don't care, all I know is if I ever meet him, I won't be able to stop myself from asking him, for a Family Bucket.
RICHARD
Yeah but jugging by his reputation, he won't be able to stop himself throwing you overboard to go and collect one.
JOSHUA
[Towards Dom] What is your job on the ship mate?
DOM
I am a [Poshly] Communication and Information Systems Specialist.
JOSHUA
And in English?
DOM
I use highly sophisticated systems to transmit and receive crucial messages, which are often top secret.
JOSHUA
You've practiced that haven't you?
DOM
[Looks shifty]Maybe?
Richard
All he does is know everyone's secrets that's it really.
JOSHUA
Oh so we know where to come for some juicy gossip then.
DOM
No, I am a highly secretive and discrete person, I keep everything I know confidential. It would take a lot of persuading to drag this information out of my skull.
JOSHUA
Fancy a Pint?
DOM
Cheers mate.
Joshua smiles puts his arm around Dom and starts to walk of towards the lounge when suddenly, Richard grabs Dom from the coller.
RICHARD
You've got to finish unpacking first.
SCENE 7 INT. MESS DECK Bedroom [14:30]
Dom and Michael are standing on the bottom bed unpacking on to their own top beds. They are back to back.
DOM
Have you managed to get on to your bed yet?
MICHEAL
Nah mate, I had a go, but it seems they where built for an incredible small person with the athletic ability of a Russian gymnast...
DOM
Yeah, but do you know any lads that are 4feet tall and can do the splits and uphill cartwheels?
MICHEAL
[Thinks] Nooo
DOM
You would think they would provide us with ladders.
MICHEAL
They probably think ladders are for the weak.
DOM
But what about the people who don't want an anesthetic just to get in and out of bed.
MICHEAL
Simple, get here first...
DOM
Mate, you brought any swimming shorts.
MICHEAL
Na, I don't expect to go swimming.
DOM
Nor do I, but what happens if you fall over board.
MICHEAL
I don't expect to fall over board.
DOM
[Smirks] Yeah none of us expect it....
Dom, drops a pair of flowery swimming shorts on the floor. Micheal turns around and notices them.
MICHEAL
Flowery, aren't they?
DOM
No, they're covered in spots.
MICHEAL
Mate, I am starting to get worried about you first we find, a pair of nickers then this, I am scared if I look in your suitcase I might find a bra and a couple of tampons.
DOM
Shut it, I have explained that once before and anyway there is nothing wrong with flowery shorts they are cool down our way.
MICHEAL
Yeah they might be down here on the English Rivera. Where it is all sunshine and roses, but up where I lived in a Midlands Council Estate, if you got Caught wearing them you would be de-bagged and hung from the nearest lamppost, quicker than flash of lighting.
Dom finishes unpacking and jumps down carrying the clothes and goes to open the wardrobes. He opens the first one and it is full (we don't see inside of any wardrobes except the last one), he walks across, and opens the Second one it is full also. He turns around and opens the one on the other side, it is also full of clothes...(Dom looks surprised) He opes the last wardrobe and the camera zooms around and we realize it is not full of clothes but booze.
DOM
Well that should keep us going... There is enough booze here, to keep the whole of the west end going for 6 weeks.
MICHEAL
Or enough to keep Rooney going for a couple of days.
Joshua notices and runs across and shuts the wardrobe door.
JOSHUA
Oi, that's my stash.
DOM
Na mate, that's more like a bloody great stockpile. A stash is a little something you hide under a mattress or a pillow.
JOSHUA
It will keep us going for a couple of weeks.
DOM
A couple of weeks? We wouldn't be able to consume all that in a couple of weeks, even if we were completely plastered 24/7.
MICHEAL
[Jokes] Try me.
JOSHUA
You're too young to Drink, and anyway it's not just for us six, its for all of us down here.
MICHEAL
I won awards for my Drinking.
DOM
Yeah, how many litres of bottled water can you drink in 2 minutes.
Richard enters.
Richard
I told you half an hour ago to finish your unpacking.
DOM
[Confused] Sir, I don't have any where to put my clothes?
RICHARD
What? There are 4 large wardrobes here, maybe you should open your eyes laddie.
DOM
I can see that, but they are all full...
RICHARD
Full of what?? Its not like we have got half the Dick Wittingham production down here.
Richard opens the first wardrobe (We don't see what is inside them) and it is full of clothes, he opens the second which is full of clothes, he opens the third one and the Camera zooms around and inside are costumes for all the plays imaginable.
RICHARD
[Confused and shocked] What in the name of Nelson Column is this?
Joshua walks over.
JOSHUA
Oh, did someone forget to tell you, Peter has been put in charge of the Entertainment costumes for this deployment.
DOM
[Gob Smacked] What someone has actually put Peter in charge of Entertainment, that's like putting a rabbit in charge of rabbit stew.
JOSHUA
No, you plonker his job is to keep the costumes clean, he is a dab hand when it comes to persil and fabric softener...
Richard shuts the wardrobes and goes to open the last one Dom starts to get nervous.. He opens the door up and sees all the booze... We suspect he will tell Joshua and Dom off but...
Richard
Oh, you sure you got enough here?
Dom is shocked
Dom
You knew about this?
Richard
[Sarcastically] Of course I knew about it, you can't hide 5 tonnes of booze in broad daylight and not expect anyone to know about it.
Michael
I wouldn't call it broad daylight, the light is so bad down here a bat wouldn't even be able to see where he is going.
Peter notices and enters...
Peter
Oh, your not doing this farce again are you?
JOSHUA
Its not a farce...
PETER
Mate, last time you spent more time hiding it then you did drinking it.
DOM
[Towards Peter] You mean he has done this before?
PETER
Yeah.
DOM
And he got away with it?
Peter
Yeah.
Dom
Well that fills you full of confidence doesn't it? Here we are on a Drug bust deployment, with I don't know how many specialist stop and searcher officers and they can't even find contraband on their own bloody ship?
Richard
[Picks up a bottle of WKD40] Ah, good how many of these have you got?
JOSHUA
Only 5
RICHARD
[Gobsmacked] Only 5??
PETER
What do you mean only 5 you drink 5 of them in ago and someone could perform open heart surgery on you, and you wouldn't feel a twitch.
RICHARD
I need it as anti-stress laxative.
Peter
Why don't you just take herbal tea, like everyone else?
Richard
Because this is way more exciting. And works a dam lot quicker.
Joshua
Stop complaining, here I got you this.
He throws Peter a bottle of whiskey.
Peter
Mate you know I don't drink.
Joshua
Na, it is water disguised in a whiskey bottle.
Everyone looks confused...
Peter
Yeah cheers.
Peter gives the bottle to Dom and exits. And they shut the Wardrobe door. Dom removes the lid of the Whiskey and smells it.
DOM
It really is water.
DOM
[Starts to smirk] What are you going to do when the captain does his rounds, he is going to see these as bold as Bearnard's head.
JOSHUA
I have already thought of that, duh, I am going to hide them all inside the mattresses.
Peter enters quickly...
Peter
The captain is coming to do the his final checks in 10 minutes.
Peter exits.
JOSHUA
Oh, dammit, quickly help me...
Joshua Michael and Richard start taking the booze and hiding it in everyone's mattress except the top two. Dom starts to walk off...
DOM
Goodbye...
JOSHUA
[Grabs Dom] Oh no you don't you can help.
DOM
Oh, I can see it now, getting done for hiding contraband after only being on board for two hours and not even out the harbor. Then out of all humiliation being sentenced to go and walk the plank.
JOSHUA
Mate, I doubt they will make you do that?
DOM
Why?
JOSHUA
Because you would just fall face first, straight down onto the docks.
Scene finishes with all 4 of them stuffing booze into the mattresses.
scene 8 int. mESS DECK BEDROOM [15:00]
Scene starts with all 6 men lined up outside their bedrooms as the Captain descends.
RICHARD
Attention!
All Stand to attention.
Graham
At ease everyone.
Everyone stands at ease, Graham walks down past the wardrobes and into the bedrooms all 6 of them follow. He looks around he runs his fingers along the wardrobes... Everyone lines up against their beds Reece is carrying a magazine...
GRAHAM
Well it looks like everything is ship shape and Bristol fashion down here. [Turns to Richard] No contraband to report?
Meanwhile graham is looking around at the side of the beds, the table and the mirror.
Richard
Nope none to report.
Graham
Good.
He turns around to walk out and sees some dust on one of the mattresses... He goes to hit it, everyone looks in horror except Reece, and just as Graham hits Joshua's Mattress Dom knocks a mug of the small side table on to the floor. There is aloud breaking sound as the mug smashes on the floor and some bottles break in the mattress.
Graham
You should be more careful next time, this mattress is full of dust. I want it cleaned up [turns around] try not to be so clumsy next time.
aLL
Sir! [Stand to attention]
Graham exits and all sigh a sigh of relief.
Reece
[Jumping onto his bed] Well that was a close shave where did you hide all the booze? [We hear bottles breaking as Reece lands on his bed]
Scene ends in total chaos as they open the mattress and start getting the bottles out...
Scene 9 int. mess deck bedroom [23:00]
All 6 of them are lying in bed, all awake. Dom and Micheal are on the top beds Reece and Joshua are in the middle and Peter and Richard are at the bottom Dom is lying on his front.
DOM
Can't sleep?
JOSHUA
What about me, I am lying here in mattress which is drenched to high heaven in booze, I am going to bed sober and probably wake up pissed.
MICHEAL
Me neither.
Reece
Sam here, you don't see me complaining.
JOSHUA
Hay I thought you used to sleep in prison so this should be a walk in the park.
MICHEAL
Yeah but the prison cell did not rock from side to side.
DOM
But we are still moored at the docks.
JOSHUA
[Turns to Dom] Mate can I give you some advice? You know what they say about being in the navy... if you don't sleep on your back someone else will.
Dom looks confused then realizes and rolls over.
DOM
These beds are small aren't they?
Richard
Na, you've just got to get used to them.
DOM
Give over these beds are so small, that a microscopic organism would keep falling out them.
RICHARD
You wouldn't want to do that, not from your height you might fall straight through the floor and into the engine room.
JOSHUA
Oh and one more thing, when you get up in the morning don't whatever you do, sit up quickly or you will get a whack on the head and wake up all the officers above us, who will also come down here and give you a whack on the head.
DOM
Cant win either way, sit up and get beaten up by the officers upstairs, fall out and land in the lap of the engineers.
MICHEAL
Mate, what are you going to do when you need the toilet in the middle of the night? After the palaver of getting you up there.
RICHARD
Never in maritime history has it needed 5 people just to hoist one guy into bed.
DOM
I think I am getting the hang of it now.
JOSHUA
You where definitely hanging from something earlier on, If that water pipe had broke you would have broken the record for the quickest sinking of any royal navy ship
Richard
Oh, Dom this fell out of your bag earlier.
He passes Dom a note. The mood in the ship goes quiet and Dom gets out a flash light, he starts reading in his head we hear.
DOM
[Talking Inside His Head] Dear Dom, I hope you are enjoying your trip so far, we are all missing you at home, hope you make lots of new friends and get to see lots of wonderful places. Also try and contact home as often as you can and keep us up to date on how you are, I will be thinking about you always and so will the rest of the family, make your country proud.
Love from the Family.
P.S. Can you have my knickers dry cleaned and sent back to me A.S.A.P.
The End.
