Skit Comp 30.11 - 6.12.11

Grate week so congratulations to TIMBO for a well pleasing victory. Get rat-flapped and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Points - Votes - Name

10 - 3 - Timbo
2 - 5 - Otterfox
1 - 1 - Shirl the Whirl, Kasm
Special mention: Shandonbelle

Your new subject: UH-OH! (chosen by Kasm).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 6.12.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Position - Points - Name
1 - 21 - Kasm
2 - 10 - Timbo, Shandonbelle
3 - 7 - Shirl the Whirl
4 - 6 - Otterfox
5 - 1 - Ishy

PS Check out the hall of fame in the thread called, um, Hall of Fame.

I'll keep this open till the 10th due to lack of response. Meanwhile...

BARELY THERE

A CAGE in a zoo. A MALE PANDA, a FEMALE PANDA:

MALE Well darlin', we've gone on a great journey from China to Scotland, I've shown you the nice town of Edinburgh, now I got you a cage to say in... And best of all, there's punters watching. So how's about a f**k?

FEMALE (sighs) Darling it's notoriously difficult that we panda mate, you should know that.

MALE Yeah you're telling me. I've heard of foreplay but this's been going on for f**king months... I mean whaddaya want in a bloke? I know what I want in a girl, my prick...

FEMALE Hmmm. A sense of humour, perchance?

MALE All right, what's this? (gets up, turns round) A bare behind! (laughs uproariously)

FEMALE Yes, well I don't think the Chuckle Brothers have a lot to worry about do they.

MALE You mighta laughed mate, took me the whole plane trip to think of that.

FEMALE How about money?

MALE Oh well as the priest said to the choirboy, I gotta sackfull. 'Ere... (takes out a note, reads) 'I promise to pay the bear on demand the sum of twenty quid.'

FEMALE Bearer. I promise to pay the bearer...

MALE What?... (looks closely) Oh bugger. (throws it away) Well what else d'ya want?

FEMALE Class.

MALE I just showed yer that...

FEMALE CL-ASS.

FEMALE Ah what is, Edinburgh Zoo or Grange bleedin' Hill? I'm f**ked then, and I don't mean in the Biblical sense.

FEMALE Well I have an idea.

MALE As prince Charles said, I'm all ears.

FEMALE We're in Scotland. You dress up as a university graduate, work yourself stupid for twenty years, then ask your employer for a pay check.

MALE Huh?

FEMALE Then, and only then, will you be completely and utterly f**ked.

A DARKENED CINEMA

LOUISE and TIM (mid 20's) MAKE THEIR WAY INTO TWO VACANT SEATS NEAR THE BACK.

20 MINUTES INTO THE FILM.

LOUISE (whispering into Tim's ear)
I'm not wearing any underwear.

TIM (whispering back)
Oh you little tease.

LOUISE (still whispering)
And I'm feeling peckish....

TIM (whispering)
So am I actually... would you like some cheesy nachos my little minx?

LOUISE (whispering)
Naughty....

TIM (normal voice)
Have you got a fiver?

LOUISE
Eh?

TIM
For the nachos. I'm out of cash.

LOUISE
Oh. Well I might have, I'll check. (reaches into her bag) damn, I forgot my purse.

TIM
I'll pop to the cashpoint.
(whispers) anything for you my little sexbomb.
(makes to get up)

A FEMALE VOICE FROM BEHIND
Could you get me a hotdog and Pepsi Max while you're there?...(whispers) I'm not wearing any knickers either.

TWO SHOP ASSISTANTS IN ANN SUMMERS ARE CHATTING, WHEN 2 VERY OLD LADIES WALK IN.

STACY -
Oh my God, what are they doing in here?

COURTNEY -
Wrinkly people can have fun as well you know.

STACY -
Ugh. Oh my God, they're looking at the vibrators!

COURTNEY -
Oh, shame, it's my tea-break. Best of luck Stacy.

STACY -
You're not going to leave me?

COURTNEY -
Don't worry, Ange on the till can do first aid.

COURTNEY GOES OFF TO HER TEA-BREAK. THE OLD LADIES, ETHEL AND MAUD, WAVE FOR STACY.

STACY -
Can I help you, ladies?

ETHEL -
I've been thinking of buying one of these for years, but they're a bit pricey dear. Have you got anything cheaper?

STACY -
No, this is our complete range. But you will find that the price level has a direct link to the level of satisfaction.

MAUD -
How's that then?

STACY -
Well, take the basic one. It just vibrates at one speed. The next one up gives you a selection of speeds, depending on your mood.

ETHEL -
Ooh, I like the sound of that!

MAUD -
You've only got one mood, grumpy!

ETHEL -
One of these might cheer me up.

MAUD -
Fat chance! (LOOKS TO ASSISTANT)
Does it get into all the crevises?

STACY LOOKS ALARMED.

STACY -
Well, this top of the range one does this writhing action.

SHE SWITCHES IT ON AND THEY STARE IN FASCINATION.

ETHEL -
Oh I say! I am tempted by that one.

STACY - If you buy it today, you get a free tube of lube.

ETHEL GOES TO RUMMAGE IN HER HANDBAG, BUT MAUD GRABS HER ARM AND STEERS HER AWAY.

MAUD -
I think we've seen enough.

ETHEL -
I was going to buy that. You always spoil my fun.

MAUD -
Oh, you silly woman. Didn't you see her teeth? Yellow! If they can't get hers clean, what chance have we got?

Uh-oh!

TWO LIONS, CLARENCE AND CEDRIC, ARE IN THE PLAINS OF AFRICA. CLARENCE IS STANDING OVER A ZEBRA HE'S JUST KILLED.

Cedric - Oh, come on, Clarence, give us some.

Clarence - Get lost. I caught it.

Cedric - It's not my fault. Those zebras can be tricky buggers.

Clarence - Stop making excuses. You're too slow, fat and stupid.

Cedric - I'm not stupid. (He glances over at a jeep full of tourists) Do you see that fat baldy one with the camera?

Clarence - Yes, why?

Cedric - Earlier he told me you were the stupidest lion in Africa. So there.

Clarence (roaring)- The cheeky fat git. We'll see about that.

CLARENCE STORMS OVER TO THE JEEP. AS HE IS ABOUT TO POUNCE, THE FAT MAN SHOOTS HIM. CLARENCE CRAWLS BACK TO CEDRIC, TURNS ON HIS BACK, COUGHING UP BLOOD.

Cedric - He was right.

Oops a double post.

And the winner is...Shandonbelle who wins it by a knickerless mile, the dirty little minx.

Special mention to Michael whose skit started off well, but for me the ending fell flat. Perhaps it lacked the bear necessitites. Hopefully, he bears me no grudges.

I went to Glasgow zoo once and went to the bear cage. It was empty. (Think about it!)

Tickled by all of them this week but vote goes to Shirl!

Shirl for me

Shandonbelle - very saucy!

Just got round to reading these, I vote for Shirl the Whirl