Rough draft of my stand up material.

I have not performed as a stand up, nor submitted anything to any writers or comedians. Tell me what you think, thanks.
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I did my teacher training in Liverpool , let me tell you about the compensation culture there, a car accident happened outside a pub I was in, half the regulars got back pain and tried to get compo.
When last of the summer wine started, the dales was flooded with scousers because they heard Compo was in it.
The mayor of Liverpool signs on under the name Compo
The last line of the song Is 'Ferry me across the Mersey so I can sign on'. EVEN THE FISH HAVE GOLD CHAINS.
What is it with tracksuits and chavs?
Is there some chav Olympics no one has told me about
It is televised on Dave
How to sign for a giro cheque the fastest
Events such as burn a pedo,
How to ice up a snowball for maximum damage to a face
Broken nose- silver
Smashed teeth is bronze
And the gold is if you actually merge ice and dna to create some obscene mr frosty ghostbusters marshmallow man. Although this might anger God and result in some smiting, don't worry though any boils or sores will be unoticable on the druggys.
The burning plastic off copper wire event alaways draws the crowds
But the contestants cannot turn their backs for five minutes because the scrap metal men will have it.
There is no cloud with a silver lining where I live, the scrap metal men knicked it
Watching the scrap metal men thieve from the pylons in our area was like reverse Tetris
At least we never knew what we would wake up to.

Do you intend to perform as a stand up?

Someday, I like the idea of writing comedy scripts more, but I wouldn't mind trying stand up.

Without knowing your style of delivery it would be difficult to see this stuff as being made funny...

Just by reading it I didn't find it very amusing...

It needs work. At the moment it's just a very rough draft of ideas, ill be redrafting and working on the general themes raised.
Thanks for taking time out of your day.

It absolutely needs work, I'd advise you to think a lot deeper about these topics. Chav's as a theme have been pretty exhausted already, mainly 6-8 years ago, you'll need a better angle than these wishy washy observations.

There would be a lot more ground in "underclasses/poverty" in general, Chav's are the easy targets and not a fertile ground for decent laughs. Think about your angle more & use your own experiances.

Sorry to sound so negative but this sounds like very old 'Liverpool jokes' that I've heard for decades.
Stuff like this used to be on 'the comedians'...everyone from Liverpool is workshy...all Irish are stupid...all women are helpless...
It's good that you are writing and enjoying it but all the characters you write, be that in a sitcom script or the 'character' you play as a stand up need to have something,essentially, likeable about them. I'm not sure too many people are going to like you just saying you lived in a new place and all the people there were rubbish.
I'm guessing (and I could well be wrong) that you're young. Personally I don't
think that style of finding everyone irritating suits a younger person ( but I'm saying that just as a grumpy middle aged man myself and not through any experience of comedy writing)
Last moan...you say these are very rough drafts - maybe show your material when it is less 'rough'. First drafts to final drafts will probably be very different. Good luck though.

Are you from Sunderland...?

You do show great promise in your work.
But, I do agree that the subject matter has been done to death.

Find a more topical angle (maybe like the million under 25 unemployed) and work on that.
Post your new stuff here and you will get true unbiased helpful critisism.

Quote: rwayne @ November 22 2011, 12:37 PM GMT

Sorry to sound so negative but this sounds like very old 'Liverpool jokes' that I've heard for decades.
Stuff like this used to be on 'the comedians'...everyone from Liverpool is workshy...all Irish are stupid...all women are helpless...
It's good that you are writing and enjoying it but all the characters you write, be that in a sitcom script or the 'character' you play as a stand up need to have something,essentially, likeable about them. I'm not sure too many people are going to like you just saying you lived in a new place and all the people there were rubbish.
I'm guessing (and I could well be wrong) that you're young. Personally I don't
think that style of finding everyone irritating suits a younger person ( but I'm saying that just as a grumpy middle aged man myself and not through any experience of comedy writing)
Last moan...you say these are very rough drafts - maybe show your material when it is less 'rough'. First drafts to final drafts will probably be very different. Good luck though.

View original

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You actually sum up what I was thinking about the draft, I like the narrative form of stand up, it was hard to get in to the flow of it though.Maybe I can create something around these themes, but your right it needs a lot of work. Thanks.

Quote: RedZed333 @ November 22 2011, 12:44 PM GMT

Are you from Sunderland...?

View original

yep. Sunderland for now.
You from the North East?.

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ November 22 2011, 12:52 PM GMT

You do show great promise in your work.
But, I do agree that the subject matter has been done to death.

Find a more topical angle (maybe like the million under 25 unemployed) and work on that.
Post your new stuff here and you will get true unbiased helpful critisism.

View original

I could definitely take on those subjects, I hate the Torys more than I hate Labour.The last labour movement I liked was when I was coming down the birth canal.

If you was a Scouser then you may get some laughs but a Mackem probably wouldn't...

Maybe if you change the locale to somewhere local then your audience migh be identify with your material, for example those black and white unwashed scumbags from just up the road...

Otherwise it all seems like someone trying to get a few cheap laughs at the expense of the Scousers, not likely to succeed...