MAN WALKS ON TO STAGE CARRYING A SLEDGEHAMMER.
MAN:
Hi! My name's Jim... and I'm a murderous bastard. I kill for one reason and one reason only. To keep fit. My weapon of choice as you can see is a sledgehammer. I don't use guns... guns are for slobs.
My bludgeoning fitness regime goes like this. Five minutes into the kill I start to work up a sweat. After ten minutes of pummelling the victim (who I select completely at random), I'm experiencing a first class upper body cardio- vascular workout. Fifteen minutes of pulverising, I'm into the fat burn zone.
Yep, I've got the body of a twenty year old... and a sixty year old. I keep them in my house for practicing on and also as pets.
I find corpses are really loyal and low maintenance pets, ok, you need a healthy supply of air freshener but that's about it. I do treat them occasionally. I take them out for sunbed sessions and I must say that a tan really does help the look of a corpse.
Murderous bastard or not I'm dismayed the way society treats dead people. When they were alive they reared us, fed us, clothed us and what happens when they snuff it. We throw them into a hole or burn them... that's gratitude for you.
Unfortunately, so called do-gooders would rather not let people keep corpses as pets so I have to keep it hush-hush. When I'm heading out for a beer I have them stand at the window with hatchets and I can tell you this, it's an excellent burglar deterrent. I'm assuming a burglar would think it's a real life bona fide living person, I mean, I don't have a sign on my gate that says 'beware of the corpse.'
When I'm out on my many murderous rampages it's mainly at night so locating folk can be often difficult. My solution... I simply bludgeon a cow. There's a lot of bludgeoning in a cow, it's a good workout. Come to think of it, I'm a one man human abattoir.
Before going out I like to sing a little song to get in the mood. It goes a little like this..
(TO THE TUNE OF THE WOMBLES)
"Bludgeoning, pummelling, strangers' heads,
This is what I like to do before bed,
Energy released, it helps me to sleep,
Otherwise I'd be awake counting sheep... and then bludgeoning them."
A little tip for insomniacs there... if you can't get to sleep, bludgeon a sheep.
To relax at home I like to knit (PULLS OUT KNITTING NEEDLES AND WOOL). Yes, I love knitting, it's very therapeutic. It really does take my mind off the bludgeoning, the pummelling, the pulverising, the wanton carnage and slaughter. But not for long though as I like working up a sweat.
When I'm in a good mood, I start by bludgeoning the head. When I'm in a bad mood I bludgeon from the toes upwards. Tonight I'm in a foul mood, a real stinker. Would anyone from the audience like to come up on stage and be bludgeoned by a sledgehammer for thirty minutes?..... No, what about fifteen?
(MUMBLES TO HIMSELF) Tough crowd.
Well thanks for listening to me. I've been Jim The Murderous bastard. Do have nightmares.
