THE INSTITUTE FOR PUBLIC HAPPINESS AND TOGETHERNESS.
INT. WEIGHT WATCHERS MEETING - DAY
A LARGE GROUP OF OVERWEIGHT MEN AND WOMEN STAND LOOKING DIRECTLY AT THE CAMERA.
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.)
Affluent In Weight And Body Fat people of Britain.
GROUP
(ALL TOGETHER)
Yes?
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.)
Your affluence in weight and body fat is costing the NHS millions of pounds a year.
GROUP
(ALL TOGETHER)
Sorry!
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.)
There is no longer any need to apologise for the body God gave you. We at The Institute For Public Happiness And Togetherness have come up with a way for you to make the most of your affluence in weight and body fat.
GROUP
(ALL TOGETHER)
How?
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.)
Let us show you.
CUT TO:
EXT. CLEAR SKY - DAY
A HOT AIR BALLOON SLOWLY RISES INTO THE SKY.
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.)
It has come to the Institute’s attention that people such as yourselves are prone to keel over and die from any number of ailments when contributing to society.
THE BALLOON RISES SOME MORE AND WE SEE THAT THERE IS AN OVERWEIGHT WOMAN HANGING FROM THE SIDE BY A ROPE TIED AROUND THEIR WAIST.
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
In the interests of efficiency and the greater good, we have concluded that you can achieve this goal much quicker and still provide a valuable service.
A VOICE COMES FROM THE BALLOON.
MAN (O.C.)
OK. Release the weights.
THE ROPE AROUND THE WOMAN’S WAIST COMES UNTIED AND SHE SILENTLY PLUNGES TO HER
DEATH.
CUT TO:
EXT. OCEAN - DAY
A FERRY SITS MOTIONLESS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN, WE QUICKLY PAN DOWN TO REVEAL SEVERAL OVERWEIGHT MEN AND WOMEN ARE BEING DRAGGED ALONG THE OCEAN FLOOR BY LARGE CHAINS TIED AROUND THEM. THEY LOOK DEAD.
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.)
There are many everyday tasks where your affluence in weight and body fat can prove to be an advantage.
CUT TO:
EXT. BUSY ROAD - DAY
A ROAD SIGN READS ‘SPEED BUMPS AHEAD’. SEVERAL CARS SLOWLY PASS BY. WE PAN DOWN TO REVEAL TWO DEAD OVERWEIGHT MEN LED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. THEY JERK WHENEVER A CAR DRIVES OVER THEM.
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.)
These are just a few examples of the way you can give back to society. We need you to make this country a better place.
CUT TO:
INT. WEIGHT WATCHERS MEETING - DAY
THE GROUP STAND STARING AT THE CAMERA, UNSHAKEN.
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.)
What say you, Weight Watchers?
GROUP
(ALL TOGETHER)
We are indifferent
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.)
That’s the spirit!
A WHITE CARD WITH FOUR SMILEY FACES APPEARS. THEY ARE WHITE, BROWN, BLACK AND PINK
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Paid for by the Institute For Public Happiness And Togetherness. Making Britain a more agreeable place.
FADE OUT.
ANOTHER ONE
INT. FRONT ROOM - NIGHT
FOUR YOUNG ASIAN MEN ARE SAT DRINKING BEER AND PLAYING A PLAYSTATION 2.
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.)
Extremely Irritated Muslims Of England!
THE FOUR MEN LOOK STARTLED AND TURN TO LOOK AT THE CAMERA.
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The Institute For Public Happiness And Togetherness sympathises with your cause. But we have come to the conclusion that not only are these suicide bombings a major inconvenience, they are also a waste of manpower.
YOUNG ASIAN MAN
How’d you get in here?
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.)
As part of our campaign to make Britain a more agreeable place we have devised a way for you to suicide bomb whilst contributing to society.
YOUNG ASIAN MAN
(SHOUTING)
Mum! Some blokes broken in and sayin’ we like to suicide bomb!
MOTHER (O.C.)
(SHOUTING)
Just ignore him.
A MAP APPEARS. SEVERAL HOUSES HAVE CROSSES ON THEM.
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.)
We here at the institute are prepared to provide you with the names and address of suspected paedophiles.
WE ZOOM IN ON THE MAP AND SLOWLY PAN UP. NEXT TO THE CROSSES WE CAN SEE SOME WRITING. ‘USED TO BULLY ME AT SCHOOL 
’, ‘WAS A RIGHT CUNT WHEN I ASKED TO BORROW HIS MEMORY CARD’, ‘LOOKED AT ME FUNNY’.
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
When in future you feel the unmistakable urge to suicide bomb, please stop by our offices first. In return for performing this valuable service, we will buy you a pint down at the Lamb’s Head on Friday night.
WE PAN VERY QUICKLY UP THE MAP TO ANOTHER CROSS. ‘LAMB’S HEAD. DARTS ON SATURDAY LADS!’ IS WRITTEN NEXT TO IT.
CUT TO:
INT. LAMB’S HEAD - NIGHT
A GROUP OF DRUNKEN MEN IN SUITS STAND AT THE BAR MAKING A HELL OF A RUCKUS.
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.)
You won’t be there though because you’ll be dead.
A WHITE CARD WITH FOUR SMILEY FACES APPEARS. THEY ARE WHITE, BROWN, BLACK AND PINK
NON-THREATNING VOICE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Paid for by the Institute For Public Happiness And Togetherness. Making Britain a more agreeable place.
FADE OUT.
(CONT'D)
