Skit Comp 9 - 16.11.11

Noo start this week and congratulations to KASM for another victory. Get rat-flapped and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

2 - Kasm
1 - Shandonbelle, Shirl the Whirl, Michael Monkhouse
Special mention - Otterfox

Your new subject: YOUTH.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 16.11.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Position - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Kasm
2 - 5 - Shandonbelle, Shirl the Whirl, Michael Monkhouse

PS Check out the hall of fame in the thread called, um, Hall of Fame.

YOUTH

EVEN PSYCHOS DO LAUNDRY
(This sketch is a spoof of the skinhead Persil Automatic advert 1986)

INT. KITCHEN
A busy mum is getting ready to go out as a young Buffalo Bill (from silence of the lamb) enters the kitchen wearing only make-up, some tight pants and holding the corners of a light cotton table cloth across his shoulders and back.

BILL
(In a slow, rough and slightly intoxicated voice)
Mum have you seen my African American woman's suit?

MUM
It's probably still on the floor where you threw it

BILL
(Picking up a brown blood stained woman's skin suit)
Oh no mum! look at the state of it! what am I going to do?

MUM
Wear the Caucasian one.
(Pointing to a neatly folded white skin suit on the kitchen counter)

BILL
(Looking at the suit)
The white one!
(Looking back at the brown skin suit)
I'll wash it myself.

MUM
Bye, Bye!
(Leaving the house)

Buffalo Bill starts to prod at the washing machine buttons without any idea what he is doing. The machine starts to beep.

BILL
What's going on?

He turns and sees a bottle of washing-up liquid on the counter, walks over and picks it up and starts to walk back. As he is slowly walking back to the machine he leans the bottle over in his hands and starts to read the instructions.

BILL
It rubs the lotion on its skin.

At this point the liquid starts to run from the bottle.

BILL
(Noticing the spill)
Arr Mum!

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET

Buffalo Bill is dragging a heavy bloody sack down the street. As he passes a window he catches the reflection of the clean Caucasian woman's suit he is wearing. He nods with satisfaction and walks away

END

INT. NIGHT. TV STUDIO. INTERVIEWER NEIL STAFTON IS INTRODUCING HIS GUEST, TED.

NEIL:
Today I'm joined by Ted Parameter. An old enough fellow who has-

TED TALKS ACROSS HIM

TED:
...And what was in the back of the suitcase but a brake for a goose.

NEIL:
-Who has just talked straight across me and-

TED:
...Whistled his way out of a coma but nowadays of course he runs with the nuns.

NEIL:
Ted. W-

TED:
...But by that stage my socks were dead.

NEIL:
Ted what do you-

TED:
...And he came up to Gerry and asked him if he wanted his eye back.

NEIL:
(SOFTLY SPOKEN) Ted if you could just shut the f**k up there a second.

TED IS SILENT FOR THE FIRST TIME.

NEIL:
Can you tell me a little about your youth?

TED:
Of course in those days it was my youth days; that is to say they were the days of my youth...days. Oh how we would laugh at it [LAUGHS].

NEIL:
At what exactly?

TED:
At all of it, every bit of it. They were much simpler times but fun times but much simpler times.

NEIL:
Give us a flavour of the games you would play back in those days.

TED:
Sort of a vanilla-y banana. Nothing fancy.

NEIL:
Right...and what 'kind' of games would you play?

TED:
All the usual old games we know and love 'throwing the hoop, 'harpoon', kick the cliff'.

NEIL:
Am, I-I'm not really familiar with any of those. What's 'harpoon'?

TED:
Ah harpoon. You see someone standing on the street, so you run up to someone else, show them a harpoon................

NEIL:
And....

TED:
And there was 'Jake'. You shout 'Jake' at people until they were on. The loser had to sit on a key and play one bagpipe.

NEIL:
Mmmm...Of course the real reason you're here is to talk about your autobiography.

TED:
Thats correct, 'Sneezing at the Sky: The Ted Parameter Story'.

NEIL SIGHS, THEN TURNS AND FACES THE CAMERA.

NEIL:
Goodnight.

END.

KICKS FOR FREE

A NIGHT-CLUB - TEEN chatting:

TEEN Yeah I'm young and free right - I do what I like, I'm me own guy, NO-ONE tells me what to do.

SPEAKERS play 'Jump - jump': he jumps.

SPEAKERS play 'Walk like an Egyptian': he walks like an Egyptian.

SPEAKERS play 'Jump - jump' again: he jumps again.

Youth

STAND UP COMEDIAN ON STAGE.

What do you think of the youth of today, eh? Hopeless, that's what they are. No respect whatsoever. I mean, one of them tried to mug me the other day with a screwdriver. It couldn't be a Smith and Wesson or a machine gun. No, I got f**kin mugged by a guy with a screwdriver. What kind of respect is that? I mean, I pay my taxes. Keep my nose clean. At the very least I'm entitled to a decent class of mugger. Can you imagine telling people about it? Bloody embarrassing it is. And as for the language.

He said - Gis your money or I kill you.

I said what?

He said - Gis your money or I kill you.

I said that really is appalling grammar. Honestly, it really is. So I said to him - what do you need the money for?

He said to buy some classic music.

Ah, I thought. Now here we have a cultured mugger. Things are looking up. I don't mind giving money to help the young appreciate the finer things in life. Which musician? I asked.

Lady Gaga, he said.

Gaga? I said. Isn't that something babies say?

She's well wicked, he said.

Well, I'm not giving you any money. You mug me with a screwdriver. Your grammar's appalling. And you've no taste in music. What do you say to that?

He looked at me sadly. Okay, he said.

Good, I said. Now get back in that class and don't be late again.

BOY (6 years old)
Dad, how long does it take to grow a moustache?

DAD
It depends what one you want to grow son, there's The Handlebar, that would take months, then there's The Imperial, all the old fashioned gents wore them.

BOY
What's the biggest one?

DAD
That would probably be The Walrus, that's huge, like giant tusks.

BOY
What's the smallest one?

DAD
That would be The Pencil....small and narrow.

BOY
Oh, I know that one , mummy said to aunty Dolores that yours was like a pencil...but..

DAD
I don't... have a moustache......time for bed. NOW.

TWO WOMEN ARE CHATTING OVER CUPS OF TEA.

MARY -
So anyway, she's just going to school, and she's plastered in mascara, eyes like a panda, skirt barely covering her bum and I ....

CLAIRE -
Oh my god, you didn't do the classic?

MARY -
Classic what?

CLAIRE -
You know - "you're not going out like that".

MARY -
Well, I was just about to, then I heard my Mum's voice in my head saying the same thing to me and I thought, "if I say that, Emma's going to hate me".

CLAIRE -
So you let her go to school looking like a tart?

MARY -
That's putting it a bit strong!

CLAIRE -
I saw her myself this morning. You didn't mention the fishnets!

MARY -
Well what am I supposed to do? I want her to be my friend.

CLAIRE -
Yes, but you have to give her guidelines as well.

MARY -
Oh Claire, I know you're right. I would feel dreadful if any of her pupils copied her.

INT: COSMETIC COUNTER IN A DEPARTMENT STORE

ASSISTANT: Can I interest madam in our new bust firming cream?

SHOPPER: Are you saying I've got saggy tits?

ASSISTANT: I'm simply making you aware of this fantastic new product, guaranteed to give you a more youthful appearance.

SHOPPER: How would you know? You're only a child.

ASSISTANT: I'm actually 22 madam, but with the tits of an 18 year old.

SHOPPER: Well I'm not telling you how old I am. But I will tell you that the older you get the more comfortable you are in your own skin.

ASSISTANT: Like a sofa?

SHOPPER: I'll take 2.

ASSISTANT: That'll be 60 pounds please.

SHOPPER: Do you think my skin's leathery?

ASSISTANT: I think you're easily suede.

A DUMPY 16-YEAR-OLD GIRL, JADE, WITH HER HAIR SCRAPED UP OFF HER HEAVILY MADE-UP FACE, IS STANDING IN HER SWEAT SUIT HAMMERING ON THE DOOR OF A RUNDOWN TERRACED HOUSE.

INSIDE, HER GRANDAD, ARTHUR, CLOSES THE KITHEN DOOR, PULLS HIS MOTH-EATEN GREAT COAT AROUND HIS THIN FRAME AS HE SHUFFLES TO THE FRONT DOOR TO LET HER IN.

JADE
Cheers - just keep me freezing t'death on your doorstep why dontcha?

ARTHUR
Hello, dear.

JADE (Pushing past him and flopping onto the living room sofa)
Whatever. Where's me Nan? Dropped dead yet, has she?

ARTHUR
Having a little soak, trying to keep warm. You look nice, dear. Been out?

JADE
Xfactor auditions - I told you, yer senile git! I'm well f**ked off!

ARTHUR (Sits down and looks worried)
How did it go?

JADE
Oh, they loved me - I'm singing in the finals on Saturday! How do you think it went? I'm not likely to come and see a loser like you if I'd got through!

ARTHUR
Oh well, better luck next time, eh, darling.

JADE
Next time! I worked my bollocky arse off since last Tuesday. Singing and singing - sometimes practising Adele's songs for over an hour a day - all for what? I'm not going through all that again!

ARTHUR
Well, struggling is good for your character - after 40 years down the pit I...

JADE
F**k off - pit! Digging's a doddle! This was mega, mega difficult!

ARTHUR
Well, you've got to renew your courage and fight for...

JADE
Fight? What do you know about fighting?

ARTHUR
Um, I was wounded in the war and...

JADE
Fighting the bloody Nasties ain't real fighting. I'm talking about proper fighting - like for respec' and artistic integratarity - stuff what really matters.

ARTHUR
Is there's anything your Nan and me could do to help, dear?

JADE (Under her breath)
You could try dropping dead and leaving me your house you manky git.

ARTHUR (Tapping his ear)
Sorry, darling. My hearing aid's on the blink. What were you saying?

JADE (Sees some change on the sideboard and scoops it up)
Never mind, I'll take this and get some cider.

ARTHUR
Oh, that £3.87... we were going to...

JADE
That'll have to do - anywayz, I'm off. Laterz.

SHE STOMPS OUT WHILE ARTHUR SHUFFLES AFTER HER TO CLOSE THE DOOR

ARTHUR (Calling after her)
Say hello to Lucille for us.

JADE (Without bothering to turn round)
Mum says piss off - she hates the pair of yoos.

ARTHUR CLOSES THE DOOR AND SHUFFLES ACROSS TO THE KITCHEN DOOR. HE OPENS IT TO REVEAL A HUGE OPEN PLAN EXTENSION WITH A SUMPTUOUS LOUNGE, LEATHER L-SHAPED SOFA IN FRONT OF A 72-INCH PLASMA TV. THERE'S EVEN A HUGE SUNKEN BATH WHERE NAN IS RELAXING, A CHAMPAGNE FLUTE IN HER HAND.

ARTHUR DISCARDS HIS GREAT COAT AND SLIPS INTO HIS SILK KIMONO

NAN
How was Jade?

ARTHUR
Usual rude, obnoxious bitch. She wants a good hiding, that one.

NAN
We really should tell her and Lucille about our lottery win, Arthur. Perhaps give them some money?

ARTHUR
I just gave her as much as she deserves. More Cristal, dear? (pouring champagne into her glass) You know, I fancy snorting cocaine off your tits.

NAN (Looking down at the flesh floating flaccidly in the bubbles)
You're going to need to cut a lot more cocaine, dear.

THE PAIR CACKLE LOUDLY AND CLINK GLASSES

1. INT HALL. TWO OLD WOMEN ARE HOLDING ONTO A HOODED TEENAGERS ARMS WHILST AN OLD MAN (GEORGE) IS PUNCHING HIM IN THE STOMACH. (EVERY WORD IS SHOUTED AFTER A PUNCH).

GEORGE
DON'T - RIDE - YOUR BIKE - ON THE PAVEMENT.

ANOTHER OLD MAN (BERT) HAS A TEENAGER IN A HEADLOCK AND IS PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE

BERT
RESPECT YOUR ELDERS. STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR BLOODY PHONE.

BERT THROWS THE TEENAGER TO THE FLOOR AND KICKS HIM IN THE BALLS

BERT
AND DON'T MUMBLE

VARIOUS OTHER SCENES OF MAYHEM ARE GOING ON IN THE HALL WITH OAPS BEATING TEENAGERS

FADE

2. INT HALL. GEORGE AND BERT AND SITTING AT A TABLE DRINKING SOME TEA LOOKING TIRED OUT

GEORGE
I'm getting too old for youth club.

I think I'll go for Shirl the whirl.

Otterfox - back to his best

Liked Velvetize, Otterfox and Shirl's this week but going for Kasm.

The image of an old man called Bert throwing a youth across the room before kicking him in the testacies in a Gran Torino meets Cocoon style, is too good to ignore, so my vote goes to Ishy.

Between Shandonbelle and Kasm, very close but going for Shandonbelle.