I wrote this before I really understood what NewsJack was all about. I'm fairly happy with what's wrong with it...it's too long and has no real point. But my challenge to you is to list everything you can think of that's wrong with this sketch.
Producer: Goddamn it, the Smurfs 3D has taken 431 million dollars this Summer. 431! Mandy, what in Sam Hill is a smurf?
Mandy: I don't have that information for you sir. I believe they're European.
Producer: European? Get me Yahoo Serious.
Mandy: Yahoo Serious is Australian, sir, not European.
Producer: Goddamn it. I loved Young Einstein.
Mandy: We all did sir. It's a modern classic
Producer: Okay, get me the European Yahoo Serious.
Mandy: Ken Loach to see you sir.
Producer: Mike.
Ken Loach: Ken
Producer: Ken, hey, I loved King Speech. Hilarious.
Ken: The King's speech is offensive Royalist propaganda. I had nothing to do with it. I make real films about working class characters dealing with the harsh reality of a society that propagates the divide between an elite few and the underprivileged majority.
Producer: Yeah, right, right, I think I saw one of your pictures. Scottish guy. Drinking, fighting, tried to make it with some chick?
Ken: 'My name is Joe.'
Producer: Braveheart. Helluva Movie.
Ken: I did not make Braveheart.
Producer: Okay Loach, listen to me, 'Smurfs 3D' has been huge this summer, surprise hit all over the world. I think you and me can hitch ourselves to this bandwagon. Whaddaya say?
Ken: I beg your pardon.
Producer: I got the bucks and you know smurfs. We're going to make a smurf movie to end all smurf movies.
Ken: I don't know anything about Smurfs.
Producer: Whaddaya mean, Goddamn it. You're European. Smurfs are European. You've never met one?
Ken: Met one? Met a smurf?
Producer: Okay, that's fine. Set up a meeting, you and your people and the smurfs and their people. You're all European, do European things, get to know each other on some European level.
Ken: Meet them? They're toys. Smurfs aren't real.
Producer: You see Loach? That's why you're my guy for this project - you know smurfs. Okay, so this is the secret, this is how we beat this Goddamn 'Smurfs 3D' piece of crap.
Ken: I don't think-
Producer: Smurfs 4D.
Ken: 4D?
Producer: You're Goddamn right 4D. Listen to me. 3D? It's over. Our Smurfs movie? We'll lead the way with goddamn cutting edge 4D special effects. These are going to be the most realistic smurfs anyone's seen.
Ken: I don't understand. What's 4D?
Producer: What's 4D? It's one more 'D.' Imagine a 3D smurf and then add one more 'D.' But that's for the tech guys. What do you say?
Ken: I'm sorry, I just don't make these sort of films.
Producer: A two hundred million dollar budget and a cut of the merchandising.
Ken: Smurf me, where the smurf do I sign?