Found this online while updating website.
Friday, June 01, 2007
ME: Blank Top, your phone number please?
LADY: Yes, there has been a taxi across the street in front of my neighbor's house for like ten or fifteen minutes now.
ME: Uhm, okay. Your neighbor probably called for a taxi.
LADY: But the driver has just been sitting there. What's he doing?
ME: He's probably waiting for his passenger to come out.
LADY: For fifteen minutes?
ME: Sure, maybe he just told the driver he was running late and to wait for him.
LADY: Well I know my neighbor, and I've never seen her call for a taxi before.
ME: There's a first time for everything.
LADY: Well I am going to get to the bottom of this. (she hangs up)
Five minutes later . . .
ME: Blank Top, your phone number please?
SAME LADY: It's me again. Listen, I went up to your driver and asked him what he was doing in front of my neighbor's house and let me tell you he was VERY rude to me. I asked him why he was in front of the house and he asked really rudely if I was his passenger, and when I told him no he told me to mind my own business! Then I demanded to see his identification and he refused! Well?!
ME: . . . Well, what?
LADY: Well what are you going to DO ABOUT IT?
ME: What in the hell do you want me to do?! The driver is probably waiting to pick up your neighbor!
LADY: If that's the case, why did he refuse to show me his identification?
ME: You don't need to see his identification.
LADY: What?
ME: These aren't the droids you're looking for.
LADY: Excuse me?
ME: Never mind. Look, the driver is not breaking any laws, and as a private citizen you don't have the right to stomp up to somebody and demand to see their ID, okay? I suggest you just do what the driver said and mind your own business.
LADY: Well I think this whole thing stinks to high heaven. I'm calling the police.
ME: Knock yourself out.
A few minutes later . . .
ME: Bank Top, your phone number please?
LADY: It's me again, listen, I have a bad feeling about what's going on here. The cab is gone and now my neighbor isn't answering the door.
ME: And you find this suspicious?
LADY: Yes, I do.
ME: Did the thought cross your mind that perhaps your neighbor TOOK THE CAB SOMEWHERE?
LADY: How do I know that? For all I know she was kidnapped.
ME: . . . . Kidnapped.
LADY: It's possible.
ME: . . . . By a taxi.
LADY: It's been known to happen.
ME: (changing to a dodgy, panicking tone) No . . . no, it's not like that . . . . who's ever heard of anything like that happening? What, do you think we're some kind of CULT? Do you think we're a cult who uses taxicabs to kidnap and brainwash people to enslave them and help us run our global greeting card pyramid scheme? Because it's not like that, I assure you.
LADY: Uh, sorry?
ME: (whispering harshly) Look lady, you're digging to deep! If you keep this up you're going to get us both left out in the reeds! No one can help us, they're all in on it; the police, the math teachers, the bakers. . . the BAKERS for God's sake!
LADY: The bakers?
ME: YES! It's all a huge conspiracy to take complete control of the entire . . . Oh my God, did you hear that?!?!
LADY: Huh?
ME: That clicking sound! They were listening! They've heard every word I've said! Oh Christ help me, they're coming down the hall! I've got to get out! I've got to. . . Oh Hile Saihi, how does the day find . . . WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! OH MY GOD NO!!! DON'T PUT THAT THING IN MY BRAIN!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!
I hang up in mid-scream. Just in case she calls back, I answer the next couple of calls in a somber, measured voice. Luckily just a few calls later. . .
ME: Blank Top taxi, may I have your phone number please?
LADY: Yes, what was all that commotion when I was talking to you a second ago?!
ME: Be joyful and do not let yourself be troubled. All is well.
LADY: What do you mean?! It sounded like you were being attacked!
ME: No no, I had simply committed an wrong. I was. . . corrected.
LADY: . . . . . . . .
ME: Now if you will please give me your address . . . . so that you may also be . . . . corrected.
LADY: Oh my GOD!!! (hangs up)
