Skit comp 31.10 - 6.11.11

Back on form this week and congratulations to KASM for another victory. Get rat-flapped and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Kasm
3 - 5 - Comedyoflife
2 - 1 - Gerry McDonnell

As of next comp I'll put up a Hall of Fame and start afresh - every three months, perhaps?

Your new subject: LEISURE.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 6.11.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

222!!! - Kasm
203 - Mr Sunshine
189 - Otterfox
148 - Michael Monkhouse
143 - Cool Mikado, Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
109 - AngieBaby
108 - Frankie Rage, Gerry McDonnell
105 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
93 - Ishy
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Shirl the Whirl, Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - 404 Not Found, James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
30 - Stephen Goodlad
28 - Leevil
27 - Shandonbelle, Bushbaby
26 - David Chapman
25 - Teddy Paddalack, Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Nil Putters, Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Comedyoflife, Reg N, Eggie
15 - Bill Jaguar, Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - RedZed333, Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Tuumble, Steven
10 - Sean Night, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Jack Daniels, Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Lady Laughter, Scar Bum, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

I've decided to make it my goal to have as much anal sex as possible. I just hope it isn't too much of a pipe dream.

HILL STREEET FOOLS

LIVING ROOM - TEEN in front of telly. MOTHER enters:

MOTHER Hello son, how was school today?

TEEN For God's sake Mum, you know I can't stand school - I loathe every minute of it! I detest the teachers, I wanna kill the kids, I'm sick of the studies! Maths is maddening, French is fearful, sport is... f**king awful! The minute I get there all I do is count the sodding seconds till it's all over so I can come home and relax in front of the telly instead!

MOTHER Sorry. What're you watching?

TEEN 'Grange Hill'.

WILLIAM SITS IN AN ARMCHAIR WITH A PHONE CLAMPED TO HIS EAR.
2 minutes you say?

CALLER
Yes Sir, just a very short call letting you know about our fantastic 100% interest free Home Entertainment systems, Gaming Consoles and top of the range gadgets, all with a free one month no strings home trial offer.

WILLIAM
I'm all ears.

CALLER
Firstly, I need to ask a couple of questions, after which I can tell you all about our fantastic offers.
Are you the homeowner?

WILLIAM
Yes.

CALLER
Excellent.
And secondly - Are you aged between a) 18-30, b) 30-40, c) 40-50, d) 50-60, e) 60-70 or f) 70-80?

WILLIAM
I'm more of a 'g', have you got a 'g' there?

CALLER
A 'g' Sir? You mean you are over 80 years old?

WILLIAM
85, but I could pass for an 'f'... after I've been up a couple of hours and had a wet shave and bacon sandwich.

MARKET RESEARCHER
I'm afraid you don't meet our intended demographic Sir. Thank you for your time.
(Phone clicks dead)

WILLIAM
Thick as shit.
Maureen, have you seen my Kindle anywhere?

MAUREEN
It's on the sideboard luv, right next to your XBOX.

Leisure

What is this life of stocks and shares
With money grabbing Bull's and Bears

Perhaps a protest to raise eyebrows
Where profit prays to sacred cows

So pitch your tent not on the grass
But outside St.Pauls to take repass

The press to see, in broad daylight,
How church and city would take the fight

It turns out they avert their glance
And prefer to mix God and dodgy finance

So close the doors and the public ban
Tents a permanent fence to woman and man

A poor life this is if, no one cares,
And we all just look, and stand and stare.

LEISURE
A COUPLE ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA, WATCHING TV, IN THEIR SHABBY 6TH FLOOR FLAT. THE MAN, DAVE, IS BALD AND LOOKS LIKE HE HAS NEVER SHAVED IN HIS LIFE. HIS GIRLFRIEND GLENDA MEANWHILE, IS FASHION CONSCIOUS WITH A FACE LIKE A BRICK WALL. ENTER THE IRATE FLATMATE, PAUL:

DAVE: Afternoon Paul.
PAUL GRUNTS
DAVE: What's wrong? You look like a bull with a tractor up its backside.
PAUL: Nothing darling.

DAVE: Paul, how many times? Don't call me darling in front of Glenda.

PAUL: Oh sorry Glandular, I didn't see you there.

GLENDA: (ANNOYED) Hey Pillock! Don't call...
DAVE CUTS HER OFF
DAVE: Don't make a scene love. Look for goodness sake Paul what are you looking for?

PAUL: I'm looking for my badminton racquet!

DAVE: Oh bad news there my old runner, I'm afraid that went out the window.

PAUL: WHAT!? WHY!?

DAVE: We were experimenting with the Wiilly-mote thing, trying to make it more realistic. It worked until Glenda threw your racquet out the window.

GLENDA: HEY! It wasn't my fault!

DAVE: Don't make a fuss dear.

PAUL: YOU...! Do you have a tap in your head that leaks your brains out!? Why didn't you close the window?

DAVE: Oh we did after the second time. You might want to go get it before it gets broken.
PAUL STOMPS TO THE DOOR, SEETHING WITH VEXATION
DAVE: Oh while you are there, would you check on Dennis? I would hate getting another flatmate.
GLENDA: (SMUG) Depends where he landed.

Mickey Lamb: Leisure Pursuitist.

VOICEOVER:
(show heroic clips of Mickey) Globetrotter, mountain climber, underwater explorer, nail biter. Mickey Lamb is probably the greatest leisure pursuitist of his generation but Mickey has set his sights on one last pursuit before his tea.

Mickey is going to polevault over a pencilcase.

PRESENTER (RAY):
Mickey. Surely you can't be serious? You have had a fantastic career. If you fail; your career will be in ruins. I mean no-one has polevaulted over a pencilcase before.

MICKEY:
(definite voice) Well that is why I want to do it. There-in lies the intrigue. If the task was to swim Everest it wouldnt be a challenge would it... because its been done before.

RAY:
Now this polevault of yours. Is the pencilcase going to be open or closed?

MICKEY:
Pure open.

RAY:
Oh sweet Jesus! Surely you can't be serious. Thats suicide!

MICK:
Some call it suicide others call it polevaulting over a pencilcase. Either way I'm doing it. With a good wind behind me I should scale the case.

RAY:
Ok Mickey, we'll let you go get ready and we will bring in our expert on stationary jumps, Stack Midleton. Stack, how do you rate his chances?

STACK:
Well Susan, I was Benny Mottleshaws trainer in the 70's when he javelined himself over a setsquare. This is quite similar. I know Mickey takes these things seriously. He has spent the last couple of weeks in a stationary cupboard preparing for todays event.

His preparation has been second to none but he has always been like that. If you remember he spent several weeks in the Antartic acclimatising himself for his famous fridge freezer expedition of '99. I think he will do it you know.

RAY:
Remember its not just a matter of scaling the case. If he plunges into the case there are untold amount of dangers. A pointy 2h pencil sticking up, the sharp edge of a pencil sharpener, a loose staple, protractors. It's vital he clears it.

STACK:
True. But if I know Mickey like you think I do there should be no problems.

RAY:
Here is Mickey now and he has the pencilcase with him.

MICK:
Looking at it in my hands it might'nt look all that daunting but when you add in the element of foreshortening its a whole different ballgame.

MICKEY LAYS THE PENCILCASE DOWN IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA AND RUNS FAR UP THE FIELD UNTIL HE LOOKS VERY SMALL IN RELATION TO THE CASE.

MICK:
Look at the distance I have to jump now.

RAY:
So this is it. Mikey is going through his prejump ritual. (he comments on everything Mickey does) Tying his lace, adjusting his shorts a little, looking, standing now. Relocating his shoulder after dislocating it in a previous warm-up. He is taking a long run at this....and h-he has slowed down. He doesn't seem to be taking it seriously. He thinks its his practice jump.

Mickey its not your practice, this is your real jump!!

MICK:
Huh?

HE CLUMSILY TRIES TO JUMP BUT FALLS INTO THE PENCILCASE. THERE IS STUNNED SILENCE.

RAY:
(INCONSOLABLE) Someone tell him...Mickey!
Oh no folks..I-it looks like our modern day legend. our hero, our champion. The man who scaled the highest mountains and swam the deepest oceans looks to have perished in a pencilcase. I'm finding it hard to find the words...

THE PENCILCASE MOVES SLIGHTLY.

RAY:
(hope returns) But wait! Whats this?...

A WOMAN FROM THE KITCHEN APPROACHES HIM.

........They're bringing me a big plate of food.

(happily) Yessss!! Goodbye folks.

CREDITS ROLL: 'MICKEY LAMB WAS HURT IN THE MAKING OF THIS'

END.

JASON AND SARAH ARE HALF-WAY THROUGH THEIR DINNER AT A SMALL RESTAURANT. JASON WAVES AT A WAITER.

JASON -
Another bottle of the house red!

THE WAITER JUST STARES AT HIM.

JASON -
At your leisure - we're not really thirsty.

WAITER -
No?

JASON -
Of course we're bloody thirsty!

WAITER -
Oh....you were being sarcastic?

JASON -
No, I'm far too nice for that!

WAITER -
So....you're not in a rush then?

JASON -
Oh, give me strength!

THE WAITER LOOKS TO SARAH, WHO LOOKS RATHER EMBARRASSED.

WAITER -
Would you like your wine now, madame, or in a while?

SARAH -
Now would be lovely, thank you.

WAITER -
So, he was being sarky?

SARAH -
Yes, he was.

JASON -
For God's sake, what have you got to do to get a drink round here?

SARAH -
"Please" would help.

JASON -
Please can we have a bottle of the house red? Like yesterday?

WAITER -
Um, we were shut yesterday.

JASON -
Oh, where's the bloody cellar? I'll get it myself.

WAITER -
That door over there.

JASON STRIDES OVER TO THE DOOR AND WALKS THROUGH. HE DISAPPEARS FROM SIGHT AND WE HEAR HIS SCREAMS GET QUIETER AS HE DROPS DOWN.

WAITER - (SMILES AT SARAH)

Whoops! We don't keep the wine in the cellar! Not since the stairs collapsed and the floor rotted through.

SARAH -
Oh well, I'll drink to that!

INT. LEISURE CENTRE. DAY

FRANK, A MAN IN HIS 40s, WALKS UP TO THE RECEPTIONIST

FRANK
I'd like a bed please.

RECEPTIONIST
Bed? Oh, sun bed - no, sorry, we're not allowed to have sun beds any more.

FRANK
No, no, no. Just a bed or couch or something.

RECEPTIONIST
Um, we don't have any. We've got a swimming pool, though, if you want to do lengths.

FRANK
Why would I want to do lengths?

RECEPTIONIST
How about squash or badminton?

FRANK
I'll end up getting hot and sweaty! I want something... relaxing!

RECEPTIONIST
Well, how about a sauna or jacuzzi?

FRANK
What happens in those?

RECEPTIONIST
Well, you sit in a sauna or jacuzzi and you know - the heat makes you...

FRANK
Sweat. So I get hot and sweaty again?! Look, I've got a wife who just whinges on and on and makes me work day and night. I'm always hot and sweaty? I just want to get away from her, lie down and do nothing. I want some leisure time. Which is why I came to a LEISURE CENTRE!!

RECEPTIONIST (frantically pushing the panic button)
Um, I don't think you understand leisure centres, sir.

FRANK
No, YOU don't understand. I NEED TO RELAX. AND - I... NEED... TO... RELAX... NOW!!

TWO POLICE SUDDENLY HURTLE THROUGH THE DOOR AND JUMP ON FRANK

FRANK
What the... what are you doing?

COP 1
Okay sunshine. We're taking you down to the station where you'll have a nice little cell, all to yourself.

FRANK
What?

COP 2
Oh, yeah. And you're going to stay in there all on your own for quite some time until you cool off.

FRANK
Oh right - and just how are we supposed to get there?

COP 1
Oh, we'll drive you there- don't you worry about that sunny Jim.

FRANK (Turning to receptionist with a tear in his eye)
Thanks - you came through for me.

ENDS

Liked Otter's, Shandonbelle's and Shirl's - but Michael gets my vote this week

It was close for me this week. Kasm, Shirl and Shandonbelle were all right up there but SHANDONBELLE pips it.

Kasm pour moi

Having trouble choosing between Kasm and Michael Monkhouse, but will go for Kasm (by the teeniest margin imaginable!)

Hard to choose between Otterfox and Shirl but Shirl's it is for me this week.

Cheers, results up...