Hench

Sorry if I'm bombarding the forum a bit. But I'm finding this really useful. Now, I'm quite proud of this baby. So I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Dave: So here he is, the man of the hour. I can't believe it. My mate - 'Henchman of the month'

Barry: Oh don't be daft, it was nothing.

Dave: Well come on then, what happened? It was on the Mister Dread's private island, wasn't it?

Barry: That's right, but really, I just did what any henchman would have done.

David: Rubbish, you've just been made Henchman of the month by one of the world's top ten criminal masterminds.

Barry: Top ten? Really?

David: Number six I read, some internet poll. It was in the papers last week.

Barry: Oh, I say, six, that's awfully good, isn't it?

David: I think it is...and it's nice for Mister Dread to get the recognition, cos he works ever so hard. But anyway, come on, what happened Mr Henchman of the month?

BarryAlright, well, I was just about to have my sandwiches after doing some patrolling when blow me down, this chap in a wetsuit just ups and storms the island

Dave He never did. Who was he?

Barry: Haven't a clue, rogue cop, secret agent maybe...he seemed terribly cross though.

Dave: Really?

Barry: Oh yes, he was effing and blinding. 'Come out here you mother effing mother effer,' all that.

Dave: Shocking.

Barry: And firing his machine gun all over the place with no thought for anyone... you know he hit Jeremy?

Dave: Oh not Jeremy, poor chap. How is he?

Barry: Out of the woods I think, but he's going to be in hospital for quite a while. There's a card going round.

Dave: I'll make sure I sign it. So what happened next?

Barry: I shot him six times and threw him in the sea.

Dave: Good for you.

Barry: I was terrified, shaking like a leaf.

Dave: Well, I don't know if I could have been that brave. I think it's brilliant. I'll be telling everyone, my mate; Henchman of the month... Anyway, best get on. See you at the quiz on Thursday?

Barry: Wouldn't miss it. See you there

Really enjoyed that, would be nice to see them extended into regular characters if you're into writing longer or continuing pieces. One small thing though; from the title I was expecting it to be 'hench' as in 'built/muscular' so was looking out for references to physicality which weren't there so had to re-read to get it into context.

Austin Powers played with this idea of "henchmen are people too" - agree with Ajgo that you need to make more of the back and forth, you also need to extend this idea conceptually a lot more as there isn't any real twist and the plots very linear, it delivers smiles throughout rather than any big laughs.

replace Dave with Stewie and Barry with Brian and stylistically this is very similar with a family guy cutscene.

Great concept and nicely written but it does feel like it needs some sort of pay off, just a slight twist would do.

I agree. This is a lovely idea and I enjoyed the conversation and the concept but I felt it was lacking something in terms of depth. Maybe he qualifies for the World Henchman Finals where they are tested in different areas such as abilities to trot along beside a nuclear weapon, voice register for a 10-1 self destruct countdown and the ease at which he can be over-powered by a secret agent.

It's a weak idea and it's not funny.

Out of all your sketches this for me isn't a winner.

Partly because both The Simpsons and Austin Powers did something very similar.

But also because there just isn't enough detail for me to get a hold on, whilst at the same time being quite long.

Maybe something playing up the mundanity of being a henchman?

Hmmm, weird isn't it how you don't see the flaws in your own stuff. Much the same as the Top Gun one, I like the characters and idea, but I see now they're both lacking a plot/twist. I think if I could give them a funnier situation, then I might be on to something.
Thank you all for help

How about an unemployed henchman getting a really mundane job?

It actually started out as a really long rambly henchman job interview...but I liked this answer and turned it into a focus.

Ooo, could either have henchman applying for mundane job or someone from mundane job applying to be henchman...that's some stuff to play around with.

I'm so focus on longer scripts, but I get the feeling that if you can master a short, punchy sketch then you'd have principles that could really help with longer pieces.