I'm sending you two *characters* to Top Gun

Been kicking this around for a while and not really sure if there's anything there or not. Any thoughts?

Two fighter pilots. Maverick and Alan. Mav has an American accent, Alan's from Chelmsford.

Maverick: Hey yo man, you one badass pilot out there, must have seen you put down, what man, eight bogies? It's Panther isn't it?

Alan: No. Alan.

Maverick: No man, your callsign. Your callsign is Panther?

Alan: I prefer Alan.

Maverick: You gotta have a callsign, yo.

Alan: Well, alright, callsign Alan then.

Maverick: Hell No.

Alan: Why not?

Maverick: No way, use your real name up there, the bogies got your identity, yo.

Alan: They'll know I'm called Alan. It's not like they've got my pin number or anything.

Maverick: Uh-uh. You gotta have a callsign. What's up with Panther, man, that's a fierce callsign.

Alan: Can I have Jeff?

Maverick: Jeff? I don't know man, kind of pussy-ass.

Alan: My Granddad was called Jeff. It would be a nice tribute.

Maverick: Why, he a cold-ass pilot back in the day?

Alan: Granddad? No, he was a baker. Made a lovely Chelsea Bun.

Maverick: So, we gotta be all like 'Yo Jeff, I got bogies at two oclock, get my wing and we'll go buzz the tower.' I don't know man.

Alan: Alright, Susan then.

Maverick: Susan?

Alan: Yes, my sister, Susan. She's been a bit down in the dumps recently. Her daughter's A-level results were quite disappointing and they've been terribly let down by the builders doing the conservatory. Callsign Susan, she'd like that.

Maverick: No man, Susan, no way.

Alan: Mr Puddles then. He's Mum's Ginger Tom, you see, she's been quite ill and-

Maverick: Come on man, Jeff? Mr Puddles? We be fighting to save the free world up there. Can't be sounding like we having a tea party.

[beat]

Alan: Winston.

Maverick: Now that's what I'm talking about man, Winston Churchill, won the war, yo. I feel you. Call sign Winston.

Alan: No, Winston's my postman

[as they leave stage, use however much dialogue needed for transition to next scene]

Maverick: Your Postman?

Alan: Yes, you see he does rather suffer from a bad back, I suppose it's no surprise with carrying that bag around all morning. But he doesn't complain much.

I liked this Trinder. For some reason I read Alan's lines with David Mitchell's voice. I think the yank's dialogue sounded more like a rapper than a fighter pilot though. The sketch also need a stronger finish.

This is very enat and the characters are nice and clear.

Also it's an ace idea.

Somehow the reveal seems to come a bit early and then it doesn't do much with it.

Also I think somehow they'd be buzzing the tower etc but not actually shooting down enemy planes at this stage.

The obligatory stupid nicknames/callsigns in Top Gun was spoofed way back then (and somewhat more succinctly) in Mad magazine's parody 'Top Gunk', in which pilot John Jones was immediately expelled because of his ordinary name.

So, think that what we're saying here is idea fine, characters fine, execution is a bit balls. I think a rewrite is in order.
Thank you all

I like it, but agree that the US pilot doesn't sound right - I think because it's a clear parody of films like Top Gun, and the modern black rapper style doesn't fit.

Also, would agree that it is not really current, but nothing wrong with it for a practice sketch. And besides, I've been watching lots of Spitting Image lately, and it's amazing how many sketches are recycled, both within the series and by subsequent shows - just wait for the Top Gun remake, and you may not even need to change the rapper dialogue if 50 Cent is cast!

Plus, the curse of the perfectly good sketch idea - needs a punchline.

But apart from that, I like it!

You've got a huge amount right.

And the english pilot is a fresh surprise twist on an older idea.

Just maybe finish up a little faster after the reveal? Don't beat yourself up it's very good.