A sketch I submitted to NewRevue at the hight of the Ryan Giggs/superinjunction thing - I've had a break for a long time! I think it was at the stage where everyone knew it was Giggs (Sunday Herald had printed their "Censored" photo), but it was still very much hearsay.
I am continually frustrated at how difficult it is to write something that is still funny when I read it back the next day! I think this one is too long and peters out at the end without a particularly strong punchline - what do you think?
Uber Injunction
JUDGE
voice over)
As members of the jury, you have been brought here today to pass judgement on one of your peers. But you'll just have to take my word for that, since this case is the subject of an Uber Injunction. None of the people, places or events can be named or spoken of. Counsellor, would you please call your first witness.
SOLICITOR:The prosecution calls Mr Whats-his-face.
A man with his eyes covered with a black strip marked "CENSORED"
enters the witness box.
SOLICITOR:Could you state your full name, please?
WHATSHISFACE:No.
SOLICITOR
o you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
WHATSHISFACE:Yes. As soon as my publicist has negotiated a fee with a leading newspaper.
SOLICITOR:Where were you on the night of...yonks ago?
WHATSHISFACE:I was here and there.
SOLICITOR:Can any witnesses corroborate this?
WHATSHISFACE:Yes. Whats-his-name and What-d'ya-call-her.
SOLICITOR:And how long were you here and there?
WHATSHISFACE:I would say approximately between "a little while" and "ages".
SOLICITOR: Mister Whatshisface, did you or did you not do something, or otherwise not do something, to some person or persons otherwise undisclosed or unknown, at some point, somewhere?
WHATSHISFACE:That's a spurious allegation, and what's more, I resent the implication.
SOLICITOR
o you deny it?
WHATSHISFACE:Well, I dispute some of the details.
SOLICITORuch as?
WHATSHISFACE:I did do something, to somebody, at some point, but that person was, shall we say, very much disclosed and became known to me.
(Makes the shape of bosoms with his hands)
SOLICITOR:And you would be...?
WHATHISFACE:Nice try.
SOLICITOR:Mister Whatshisface, why did you decide to take out an Uber Injunction?
WHATSHISFACE:I am not at liberty to say.
SOLICITOR:And why not?
WHATHISFACE:No one's told me.
SOLICITOR:No one has told you why you took out the injunction?
WHATSHISFACE:No. After the thing that might not have happened happened, I spoke to someone who may or may not be my agent, and she, he or it told me that I had to cease the conversation immediately as I was now the subject of an Uber Injunction.
SOLICITORo your agent took out the injunction without your knowledge?
WHATSHISFACE:I cannot confirm or deny that I have had knowledge...
(Makes the shape of bosoms with his hands)
...of my agent. If, indeed, I have an agent.
SOLICITORurely you must know if you are paying for an agent or not?
WHATSHISNAME:Well, no, since her last pay rise she has insisted that I am no longer allowed to look at my bank statement as they are the subject of an...
SOLICITOR:...Uber Injunction, yes. Mr Whathisface, one last question. Many people have been saying that Ryan Giggs played his worst game ever against Barcelona and that he's fit for the scrap heap, what do you make of that?
WHATSHISNAME:Bloody outrageous, I worked my bollocks off in that game....shit!
SOLICITOR
rosecution rests.
END.