Skit comp 21 - 28.10.11

Sporadic wank, but up and running in the end so congratulations to OTTERFOX and ISHY for their wholesome victory. Get rat-flapped and PM me one apiss for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

3 - 10 - Otterfox, Ishy
2 - 5 - Kasm, Shirl the Whirl
Honourable mention: Alec

As of next month I'll put up a Hall of Fame and start afresh - every three months, perhaps?

Your new subject: MUSIC (Gerry McDonnell) or HONESTY (Kasm).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 28.10.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

212!!! - Kasm
203 - Mr Sunshine
189 - Otterfox
148 - Michael Monkhouse
143 - Cool Mikado, Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
109 - AngieBaby
108 - Frankie Rage
107 - Gerry McDonnell
105 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
93 - Ishy
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Shirl the Whirl, Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - 404 Not Found, James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
30 - Stephen Goodlad
28 - Leevil
27 - Shandonbelle, Bushbaby
26 - David Chapman
25 - Teddy Paddalack, Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Nil Putters, Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Reg N, Eggie
15 - Bill Jaguar, Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - RedZed333, Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - ComedyOfLife, Tuumble, Steven
10 - Sean Night, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Jack Daniels, Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Lady Laughter, Scar Bum, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM IN POLICE STATION. OFFICER DENSMORE IS QUESTIONING A GIRL OF ABOUT TWELVE NAMED JULIE. HE IS ALSO THE POLICE ARTIST.

DENSMORE:
Can you tell me who threw your lambs away?

JULIE:
UPSET) I think he-he was a man. He was tall. He came into the field, caught fluffy and duffy by the legs, flung them into the horizon and ran out of the field. (weeps).

DENSMORE:
Did you get a good look at him?

JULIE:
He was tall and had a (cries) huh - mruh huh gru haah)

DENSMORE:
I'm sorry, what was that?

JULIE:
I didn't say anything, that was just cry.

DENSMORE:
I see. So what did he look like?

JULIE:
Well his ears were big, very realistic. He had short hair which was gone. He wore a coat that seemed invisible. His eyes were going the wrong way...vertical.

DENSMORE:
Did he have any other distinguishing markings? Glasses, a moustache?

JULIE:
Oh his glasses, they were gone. He didn't have a moustache, it was gone, but he had a small moustache over each eye and his mouth, his mouth..

DENSMORE:
Was gone?

JULIE:
Yes, it was gone.

DENSMORE LOOKS AT THE CRAZY PITCURE HE HAS SKETCHED AND WINCES.

DENSMORE:
Julie, remember I told you at the start to be honest with me?

JULIE:
No.

DENSMORE:
Well I meant to. I want you to be honest with me now and tell me exactly what you saw. It is very important that we catch this person. People can't just go around throwing lambs away. We will only catch him if you tell the truth.

JULIE:
It's just that when I watch cop shows on the radio, they never tell the truth and the bad guy always gets caught.

DENSMORE:
But this isn't a cop show Julie, this is a sketch.

JULIE:
Okay then. He had short brown hair, he had stubble and looked to be in his early 30's.

WE SEE VARIOUS CLIPS OF JULIE DESCRIBING THE MAN TO DENSMORE AND HE CONTINUES DRAWING.

DENSMORE:
Great Julie that's more like it.

THROUGH DENSMORES LINE OF VISION WE SEE THE PICTURE AND IT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE DENSMORE HIMSELF. HE WINCES AGAIN.

HE WALKS OUT INTO THE MAIN OFFICE.

DENSMORE:
Alright people we're looking for a man. He's got no mouth, his eyes are vertical, realistic ears....

HE POSTS THE STRANGE PICTURE OF THE MAN HE HAS DRAWN ON THE NOTICE BOARD.

END.

MUSE-SICK THERAPY

MEDICAL STUDIO.
Nice DOCTOR sits opposite depressed PATIENT:

DOCTOR Good day fine Sir, and how are we this wondrously joyous morn?

PATIENT F**k off.

DOCTOR Tut-tut...

PATIENT ...Doc.

DOCTOR That's better. Now what seems to be Tommy Troub?

PATIENT I'm depressed, I can't cope - death, isolation, Facebook - I'll never laugh again...

DOCTOR Well we here at Nice Old W*nkers believe music can cheer even the frightfulliest fed-uppest of fellows...

PATIENT Tell that to Ian Curtis.

DOCTOR Watch this...(gets up, sings) Good day sunshine, do-do-do-do,
Good day sunshine, do-do-do-do,
Good day sunshine...

PATIENT 'Good day sunshine'?

DOCTOR Have you heard it before?... (sings) Good day sunshine, do-do-do-do,
Good day sunshine, do-do-do-do,
Good day sunshine...

PATIENT No - no please...

DOCTOR (sings) I need to laugh - ha ha! - and when the sun is out
I've got something I can laugh about
I feel good, in a special way
I'm in love and it's a sunny day.

PATIENT 'The sun's out, something to laugh about'? Unless you're referring to the tabloid shite daily, this suggests a rather limp sense of humour. The sun is a G2V-type asteroid of hot plasma interwoven with magnetic fields at a diameter of about 1,392,000 km, its mass - about 2×1030 kilograms - of hydrogen, helium, oxygen, carbon, neon and iron accounting for 99.86% of the total mass of the Solar System. Ha f**king ha.

DOCTOR (gets up, sings, tries to get patient to dance with him) Good day sunshine, do-do-do-do
Good day sunshine, do-do-do-do
Good day sunshine...
We take a walk, the sun is shining down
Burns my feet as they touch the ground...

PATIENT The lat time I took a walk I was fleeing my personal demons following the traumatic experience of discovering my anorexic wife in bed with my paedophile father. And the sun doesn't shine down, it emits horizontal gamma rays from its 27,000,000-degree-Fahrenheit core through its 10,000-degree-Fahrenheit surface at 186,282 miles / 299,792,458 meters per second travelling 93 million miles to Earth. And burns your feet, you'd look like a cupcake.

DOCTOR (sings, impatient) Good day sunshine, do-do-do-do
Good day sunshine, do-do-do-do
Good day sunshine...
Then we lie beneath a shady tree
I love her and she's loving me
She feels good, she know she's looking fine
I'm so proud to know that she is mine.

PATIENT I'll lie too, I'll tell you you're a great f**king doctor with a wily way with words, 'I love her and - and - and - she's loving me': great stuff, pure Dante meets Shakespeare via Virgil-cum-Virginia Woolf... Rhyming 'fine' with 'mine', ain't heard that before, Alfred Lord Tennyson...

DOCTOR (sings) Good day sunshine, do-do-do-do
Good day sunshine, do-do-do-do
Good day sunshine...
Good day sunshine, do-do-do-do
Good day sunshine, do-do-do-do
Good day sunshine...

PATIENT Right that's it. I have nothing to laugh about, I wish I was dead, I am now going to stab myself with a plastic fork...

DOCTOR I'm sorry. That was written by Paul McCartney, whose work's made him one of the richest men in the world...

PATIENT (pisses himself laughing)

INT. BOARDROOM - DAY

A HANDFUL OF DIRECT LINE EXECUTIVES ARE SEATED AT A TABLE

PERRY:
On to advertising. The 'red phone' angle is played out. Our research shows that the accompanying jingle is almost as annoying as those f**king Meercats. We need something new.

GWYN:
I've got it. Honesty.

PERRY.
Honesty? Pay your insurance but if you ever make a claim we'll try our best not to pay up?

GWYN:
Not that honest. I was thinking of an advert that just tells the viewer what the product is, how it works, and with no annoying elements.

PERRY.
It's controversial. Who would we get to front the campaign?

GWYN:
Stephen Fry. His integrity is unquestioned.

PERRY.
He's been in 47% of all adverts ever made.

GWYN:
He has, but he's not just doing them for the money; he's genuinely a fan of crisps, cheese, gas, bookstores, shopping outlets, mobile communications, butter, coffee, fizzy drinks, mints, the royal mail, cigars, lager and ridiculously expensive tea bags.

PERRY.
It's not going to work.

NATASHA:
I think we should go the other way. The "da da, da da, da da" jingle was soul-crushingly nauseating, but it worked. Let's go with something equally as annoying.

PERRY.
How annoying are you thinking?

NATASHA:
To the max. I'm talking about Alexander Armstrong. Acting like an imbecile. In a shit moustache.

PERRY.
This is too much. He'll look like a right twat, he'll never do it.

NATASHA:
I disagree, have you seen the Pimms adverts?

PERRY.
I suppose, but these sound ten times worse. They'll never get past the ASA.

NATASHA:
We'll ease the annoyance level by throwing Chris Addison in as the straight man.

PERRY.
How ironic.

LAURA
Matt, I want you to be honest with me...when we're in bed, do you ever think about other women?

MATT
Of course not darling, you know you're all I ever think about.

LAURA
Somehow I don't believe you...

MATT
C'mon Laura, you know you mean everything to me. How could you even think those thoughts? It's ridiculous.

LAURA
Oh so it's so ridiculous to believe that the thought of ooh I don't know, Rachel, has even once entered your head when we're together?

MATT
Where have all of these hurtful accusations come from Laura? For the last time absolutely not, I don't fancy you're friends, I love you, you're the only one I want.

LAURA
Hand on heart?

MATT
Hand on heart.

MATT - FX - PHONE
Luke mate, this is getting ridiculous, just had the Spanish inquisition from Laura AGAIN, she's convinced I'm after her friends! You know I love the girl, but she's always trying to catch me out the whole time, today she brings up Rachel, you know, the fit one with the big pair and I'm just getting so tired of constantly being accused and forced to pander to her insecurities! I don't want to feel like I can never even look at another woman, I'm a man for gods sake!

LAURA - FX - PHONE
Hey Rachel, sorry hun, I tried, I really did, but he is soooo not interested in a threesome....I think I need a more adventurous man, Matt's nice and everything, but he's just too luvvy duvvy.

INT. FLAT. NIGHT

MARY IS STANDING WITH HER BACK TO HER BOYFRIEND, KEVIN, WHILST LOOKING OVER HER SHOULDER PENSIVELY.

MARY
Does my bum look big in these?

KEVIN
You concentrate on the road, love, and I'll ask the conductor in the back what he thinks... Jesus, it's not the back end of a blue denim bus, it's your huge f**king arse in a pair of gigantic jeans!!

MARY
Tut, just tell me honestly.

KEVIN
Are you getting asthma, Mare?

MARY
Eh?

KEVIN
Sorry, no - it's just the wheezing noise from the blowhole in the back of your head. Better keep it down a bit though, don't want a Japanese whaling boat coming into the flat!

MARY
I'm being serious! My jeans feel tighter than normal, does my bottom look big?

KEVIN
Big's a relative term, love. Some people might say your arse would look big in the Albert Hall - but I just reckon you've chosen a fairly small planet to live on, so it's going to look vast whatever you wear.

MARY TURNS AND LOOKS APOPLECTIC

MARY
Kevin!!

KEVIN
Of course it bloody doesn't.

MARY
Thank you. It was a simple question - why can't you just give me your honest opinion without messing about?

KEVIN
Can we just go please, our reservation is in fifteen minutes?

MARY
Sorry, lover.

MARY PICKS UP HER BAG AND THEY HEAD FOR THE DOOR. HALFWAY THROUGH, SHE GETS WEDGED IN THE DOORWAY

MARY (Panicky)
My God - what's happened? I'm stuck in the doorway.

KEVIN LOOKS LIKE A RABBIT CAUGHT IN THE HEADLIGHTS FOR A SECOND BEFORE HE RECOVERS HIS COMPOSURE

KEVIN
No, no - the door surround's probably shrunk in er, well - with the central heating being on. I'll replace it with a bigger one again, but right now I should get the lard, grease you up and slip you through there.

MARY
You sure it's not because my bum's too big?

KEVIN
Don't be silly.

MARY
Aww, thanks, lover. Um, don't use all the lard, though - I'll be wanting something to nibble on after we come back from dinner.

ENDS

INT: OBSERVATION ROOM IN A POLICE STATION.
A POLICE OFFICER AND CAPTAIN ARE VIEWING A SUSPECT THROUGH THE INTEROGATION ONE-WAY MIRROR.

OFFICER: We've tried everything captain but this is one tough nut that's not cracking.

CAPTAIN: What have you got?

OFFICER: A CCTV still of the back of their head.

CAPTAIN: There's only one man who can solve an impossible case like this, get me Carlos.

CARLOS FLOUNCHES INTO THE ROOM.

CARLOS: Hello darlings, don't tell me you need help from little old Carlos again?

CAPTAIN: We're desperate.

CARLOS: Let's solve this crime first.

<OBSERVES PHOTO> Ok, we're looking for a woman in her late 40's. She's bitter and angry at losing her looks and dyes her own hair.

CAPTAIN: Your powers of deduction never cease to amaze me. So, how do we get a confession?

CARLOS: Give me a mirror and a box of tissues.

CARLOS FLOUNCHES INTO THE INTEROGATION ROOM. HE PULLS THE SUSPECT OVER TO THE ONE-WAY MIRROR, THEN PRODUCES A MIRROR FROM HIS BAG. HE HOLDS HIS MIRROR ABOVE
THE SUSPECTS HEAD TO EXPOSE HER GREY HAIR REGROWTH.

THE SUSPECT BURSTS INTO TEARS, CARLOS GIVES HER THE TISSUE BOX.

CARLOS LEAVES THE ROOM AND RETURNS TO THE OBSERVATION ROOM.

CARLOS: Book her boys. For crimes against hairdressing.

Comedyoflife this week for me.

My vote goes to...Kasm.

Gerry for me, I hate insurance adverts!

Kasm.

Comedyoflife - nice twist!

Gerry by the narrowest of margins from comedyoflife

I did like Comedyoflife's sketch but I'm going for Kasm's by a whisker

Comedyoflife for me this week.