Justin intro:
I always thought "primogeniture" was a frowned-upon bedroom game which involved hiding your penis in a women's magazine. That is until this week, when it was revealed that Prime Minister David Cameron is turning his attention to what is perhaps the number one concern on everyone's mind at the moment - the rules covering ascension to The Throne. I'm joined by Royal expert Esther Forced-Canapé who can explain it all to us. Esther, what is this all about?
Esther Forced-Canapé (posh lady):
Good evening, Justin. Yes, for centuries the rules of ascension have favoured male heirs - but those rules may now be changed to make it easier for a female heir to become monarch. It will give the nobs quite a shake up.
Justin (pause, hesitant):
Er, the nobs?
Esther Forced-Canapé:
Nobs. Nobility. Yes. The regal standing will change.
Justin:
I see. Bit of a ding dong. And how will this come about?
Esther Forced-Canapé:
First, agreement is needed from the other countries in the Commonwealth - then the statute book needs amending.
Justin:
So first leg, canvass the Commonwealth; second leg, change the law. That simple and we can have a female heir to The Throne?
Esther Forced-Canapé:
Yes, that's correct. There'll be no middle leg needed.
Justin:
And would a new Queen inherit the entire Royal estate? She'd own Buckingham Palace? Clarence House?
Esther Forced-Canapé:
She'd have her principal residence, yes, Buckingham Palace; she'd have Balmoral. I don't imagine she'd ever get The Hampton Court.
Justin:
Remarkable. When the male nobility find themselves slipping down the pecking order - who will be the biggest winners?
Esther Forced-Canapé:
The highest profile change is for Princess Anne, who benefits the most - she leaps from 10th in line to the Throne up to 4th. Then there's Dame Helen Mirren, who jumps from 17th to 12th. And Stephen Fry is up three places to 23rd. Obvious losers would be Prince Andrew, Prince Edward, James Hewitt, and Mike Tindall. Oh, and also you, Justin.
Justin:
Me?
Esther Forced-Canapé:
Yes, that's right - under the new rules this interview would be conducted by Margaret Caiborn-Smith.
Justin:
I see. And is there, you know, [now sounding worried and conspiratorial] any chance that it might be, er, that Princess Beatrice gets to be Queen?
Esther Forced-Canapé:
Good heavens, no! It will remain impossible for anyone to ascend to the Throne if they have attended a Royal Wedding with a filigree toilet seat on their head.
Justin:
In a conversation about nobs it seems only appropriate to mention that the change is supported by Nick Clegg. Some politicians have gone further and suggested that, in a democracy such as ours, hereditary monarchy should be abolished altogether and a vote be taken instead. What is your view?
Esther Forced-Canapé:
Oh, it would be simply dreadful having an elected monarch! Can you imagine cheering for King David Cameron?!
Justin:
I think we all shout it at some point every day.