I was feeling left out....
JUSTIN
In an unprecedented display of moral scruple, Swiss banks have conceded an historic agreement on tax disclosure that the Government claims will recoup seven billion in lost revenue. The Swiss deal was negotiated by Revenue & Customs big cheese Dave Hartnett. Newsjack was a fly on the fondue.
HARTNETT
So, you are the, ha ha, gnomes of Zurich?
BANKER
Were you expecting, Mr Hartnett, that we would be gnarled little men with long white beards and a garish taste in floppy headgear?
HARTNETT
No, not really.
BANKER
Well we are. Get over it. So you have come to steal our hoard of gold. (ECHO) Go-oldd! Go-oldd!
HARTNETT
No, no we just want to tax UK residents who hide funds in Swiss bank accounts.
BANKER
Our go-oldd! He wants our go-oldd! You are not the first to come seeking our hoarded treasure. In our vaults bleach the bones of many another gallant knight.
HARTNETT
Only a Commander of the Bath actually, but if this comes off my hopes are up for the Birthday Honours, wot?
BANKER
To get to the go-oldd you must first brave the horrors of (DRAMATIC PAUSE) the labyrinth - a stomach-churning, mind-addling maze of discretionary trust funds, offshore holding companies and Lichtenstein-based private foundations.
HARTNETT
Yes, well, we thought we would leave that to you chaps. Look it is quite simple. In exchange for us drawing a line under past evasion, because let's face it no-one wants to dig up any unpleasantness - you never know who might be implicated, and I really do want that knighthood - you deduct the tax due from your clients' accounts on our behalf.
BANKER
(INCREDULOUS) And you would trust us to do that?
HARTNETT
I am sure we'll get what's coming to us.
BANKER
Yes... Yes you will. And this will apply from when?
HARTNETT
31st May. 2013. That long enough?
BANKER
Yes that should be ample to empty out any remaining private accounts - I mean, I think we might just about be ready by then. But what of the dread amendment to the EU Savings Tax Directive that has long threatened to force us to disclose intimate details of our client accounts?
HARTNETT
Oh I shouldn't worry about any of that nonsense. Don't want too much poking about now do we? Not when there are knighthoods going begging. So do we have a deal?
BANKER
(SPITS) Deal. Oh and Mr. Hartnett, here's your go-oldd.
HARTNETT
(DISAPPOINTED) Oh, I was expecting a bit more than that. Hang on these aren't coins, they're...
BANKER
Beans. Magic beans, Mr Hartnett.
HARTNETT
(BRIGHTENING) Oh just the ticket to sort out that deficit.
END