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SWEET TEEN JESUS
INT. SCHOOL CANTEEN - DAY
Peter, Paul and Jesus Christ enter the school canteen. Dozens of kids are loitering around. Everyone wearing typical Hebrew robes. A sign says, "Canteen closed due to Roman blockade. No food until next week".
PETER
What the heck is this? No food? Oy vey!
PAUL
DAMN ROMANS!!! Don't get me wrong, I like their straight roads and all, but my dad says men shouldn't wear mini-skirts. It's too tempting.
JESUS
Shalom, guys. I've got this.
Jesus jumps over the canteen counter, scrabbles around looking for any dregs of food.
JESUS
Look, I found a piece of bread. And, hey, a fish!
PETER
Whoop-de-doo, Jesus. Good for you. Always looking after numero uno.
JESUS
Trust me, Peter. This is to share.
PAUL
How we gonna share a little tiny fish between the three of us? Our lips would be practically touching. (thinks it over) Hmm...
A flash of heavenly light as Jesus hands a loaf and a fish to Peter.
PETER
(Not realising that Jesus has multiplied the fish)
You're only doing this to guilt-trip me.
JESUS
Here's one for you, Paul.
Light flashes again as he hands over another loaf and fish to Paul.
PETER
What the-?
Another flash of light. Jesus is munching on his own fish and bread.
PAUL
How'd you do that?
JESUS
Dunno. It's genetic, I guess. (shouts) Hey guys! Get your loaves and fishes here!
The schoolkids engulf Jesus to receive their loaves and fishes. Lots of shouting and crying. Heavenly light flashing all over the place.
JESUS (shouting)
Hamburger? Screw you! No, I can't do fries!
INT. SCHOOL CANTEEN - 15 MINUTES LATER.
All the kids are slumped around the room, bellies full.
PAUL
Boy, am I thirsty.
PAUL
DAMN ANCHOVIES!!! Don't get me wrong, I like their high content of omega-3 oils but it's like sucking on a pillar of salt. Shoot! That reminds me I have detention again with Mr Barrabas.
Jesus is behind the counter again. Comes up with a couple of amphoras.
JESUS
Well, there's water.
PETER
Water? Ain't you got something with more of a kick?
Jesus waves his hands over the amphoras. Light flashes.
JESUS
Here, try this.
Paul and Peter take turns drinking.
PAUL
Jumping Jehovah!
PETER
When I said "kick" I meant like a soda. But wine? Wow.
PAUL
This stuff is good. DAMN GOOD!!! Say, you know what we should do?
PETER PAUL AND JESUS
PARTY!!!!!!
INT. SCHOOL CANTEEN - 2 MINUTES LATER
Kids are drinking, laughing and dancing to "Hava Nagila" (Jewish song).
PETER
Great party, dudes!
JESUS
Yeah, but this music sucks.
PAUL
DAMN MUSIC!!! Don't get me wrong, it's nice to hum along to and all. But my dad sings this when he bends me over his knee to give me a spanking when I've been bad. A long time ago, I mean. Not last night.
Light flashes. The music is now a Death Metal dirge. The kids are headbanging. Jesus flicks the devil-horn sign, sticks out his tongue.
JESUS
More wine! Tonight we're going to party like it's 999!
JUDAS slinks over.
JUDAS
Dancing? Alcohol? The teachers aren't going to like this, Jesus. Especially when I tell them you started it all.
JESUS
I wish there was a name for people like you, Judas. Leave us alone.
JUDAS slinks off.
JESUS
Where were we? Oh yeah. Party, dudes!
JAMES races over to Jesus. He looks panicked.
JAMES
Jesus! You've got to help.
JESUS
What's the problem?
JAMES
It's Matthew. I think he drunk too much wine or something, man. He's OD'd.
Jesus and his followers rush over to Matthew who lies dead on the floor.
Jesus feels Matthew's neck for a pulse.
JESUS
He's dead.
JOHN
Oh, no. What'll his parents say?
JESUS
They'll say he's dead too.
PAUL
We could give him the kiss of life.
PETER
Kiss a dead man? Isn't that necrophilia?
PAUL
Yes. I mean no. Look, it's not so bad.
Jesus lays hands on Matthew. A flash of light, and Matthew sits up gasping for breath, very much alive.
MATTHEW
Woah. What happened?
JESUS
I brought you back to life.
MATTHEW
You did? Thanks, man. You rock! Where's the wine?
ALL IN UNISON
Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!
INT. SCHOOL SWIMMING POOL - LATER
All the kids are completely drunk and falling round. Jesus runs across the swimming pool.
JESUS
Look at me! Look at me!
Peter sees Jesus, and starts running toward the pool.
PETER
Look at me too! Look at me too!
Peter reaches the pool and falls straight in.
JOHN
Should someone get him? He could drown to death.
JESUS
Oh let him. I'll bring him back to life... If I remember!
Jesus takes a swig from his amphora, and gives another devil-horn salute to all the kids.
ALL IN UNISON
Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!
INT. PRISON CELL-NEXT MORNING
Jesus is asleep on a bunk.
A ROMAN guard bangs on the bars.
ROMAN
Hey! Jew-boy! Wake up.
JESUS
Huh? What happened? Where am I?
ROMAN
You don't remember? Oh, that's convenient. Let me refresh your memory. Let's see. What have we got? Drunk and disordely. Picking a fight at the temple with the money-lenders. Telling my officers to f**k off back to Rome.
JESUS
No, wait, I remember a little now. I said to render unto Caesar what is Caesar's.
ROMAN
Whatever. You're going up for this, boy. Up on the cross. Oh yeah.
JESUS
Listen, you don't want to do that. My dad will be very angry if you crucify me. And believe me you don't want to piss off my dad.
ROMAN
Threatening me with your dad, eh? Well, I've spoken with him.
JESUS
No, not Jospeh. He's not my real dad.
ROMAN
Yeah, we know all about that. This is your dad, right?
GOD steps over.
JESUS
Dad? What are you doing here?
GOD
I'm very disappointed in you, Jesus.
JESUS
Dad! No!
God and the Roman walk off down the corridor.
JESUS
No! Don't forsake me!
INT. CORRIDOR. CONTINUED
God and the Roman walk down the corridor.
ROMAN
Well, thanks for playing along, God. We won't really crucify him, of course. Just scare him enough to keep him in line.
GOD
Oh no. Go ahead and crucify the little bastard. It's the only way these kids will learn. You'll be doing everyone a favour. Trust me.
THE END
