British Comedy Guide

NJ: The War On Toys (3 Part Runner)

JUSTIN:
When we were children, playtimes were simpler. We didn't have to worry about how budget cuts to the armed forces would affect our deployment of Action Man, and there were no ambulance chasing lawyers looking to offer a 'No win, No Fee' deal following a crash on the Scalextric track. This week, tough new rules proposed by EU bureaucrats come into force as part of the Toy Safety Directive. Toys that children have enjoyed for decades are now deemed to pose a safety risk and could be banned from going on sale. Leading the fight against the War On Toys, a Special Ops Unit has vowed to keep our children safe.

[GRAMS: SPOOKS THEME TUNE - FADE OUT]

[FX: RADIO CRACKLE]
ERIN:
Alpha 2, are you in position?

DIMITRI:
Copy, Alpha 1, I'm approaching the childrens' party now, about to enter via the south door.

ERIN:
Roger, Alpha 2, you are Green for Go. Repeat, Green for go. Stay safe Dimitri, there may be a clown on the loose in there, we don't know what he might be capable of.

DIMITRI:
OK, I'm in, scanning the area. [PANICING] Alpha 1, Alpha 1, this is worse than we thought! I can see multiple unexploded devices!

ERIN:
Copy that, Alpha 2, can you identify the unexploded devices?

DIMITRI:
Balloons! At least 40, maybe 50. If those things go off there's no telling how many people might be slightly startled by them! Oh no! I've been spotted!

[FX: A SERIES OF LOUD CRACKS, LIKE GUNFIRE]

ERIN:
Report, Dimitri! Are you taking fire?

DIMITRI:
Negative, Alpha 1, it's a child's rattle which doesn't conform to EU directives on safe noise levels. Suggest we order an immediate curfew and deny them their rights to Peppa Pig before bedtime.

END.

[GRAMS: SPOOKS THEME TUNE - FADE OUT]

[FX: RADIO CRACKLE]
ERIN:
Alpha 2, new mission parameters incoming. The suspect is a billionaire property tycoon, dealing in houses, hotels, utilities and transport at key locations throughout London. He's working an operation involving counterfeit money, and small gaming pieces that could present a choking hazard in direct contravention of EU rules.

DIMITRI:
Copy that, Alpha 1, I'm tailing the target. He's in a small silver car, heading east from Park Lane and approaching Mayfair. Maintaining radio silence until the suspect passes Go and collects £200 in forged notes.

ERIN:
Roger, Dimitri. Whatever evidence you get, we've got to make it stick this time, it's like he's got a Get Out Of Jail Free Card or something.

END.

[GRAMS: SPOOKS THEME TUNE - FADE OUT]

[FX: RADIO CRACKLE]
DIMITRI:
Alpha 1, I'm on site, it looks to be a grotto of some kind. I'm about to interrogate the suspect.

ERIN:
Proceed with caution, Dimitri. If our intel is correct, this guy is at the very top of the distribution chain for these rogue toys. We need to find out about the other gang members, so get him to tell you about Donner, Blitzen, Dasher, Dancer and Prancer. Oh, and find out what you can about Rudolph, we think he's a leading light in the organisation.

DIMITRI:
Roger, Alpha 1, about to proceed. [MENACING] Listen to me, Santa, it's over. We've found your little list, eyes back at base are checking it. Twice. Who are you working with?

SANTA:
Ho Ho Ho!

ERIN:
It's the Ho Brothers, Dimitri. They run an operation out of Taiwan, flooding the market with non-EU compliant toys of questionable safety. That's a good catch, Alpha 2. Bring the suspect in, he can share a cell with Geppetto.

END.
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I really had high hopes for this one, I was very happy with it, also got good feedback from a couple of others (one of whom also submits to NewsJack). I'm happy for you to pull it apart and look for the weak areas.

Cheers,

Jamie

I think you're a bit ambitious with three, to be honest. I'm not sure it's strong enough to warrant doing the same thing three times. Each one needs to bring something 'new' to the joke and I'm not sure it really does.

First one is a bit telegraphed; I guessed where it was going before I got there, suggesting it's too long.

Second one: I'd get rid of "and small gaming pieces that could present a choking hazard in direct contravention of EU rules.", at it gives it away to explicitly.

Third one starts well, but end bit didn't feel so great.

To be honest, the second one is the best one and I think it's the right length. If you had all three that punchy and got in and got out with those quick-fire gags, it may have fared better.

I did like them though. They just could be better. And also, maybe they didn't want to give that much time to the story.

Hope that's helpful

Dan

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