JUSTIN:
For me, exams are like the time I accidentally rode my pushbike onto the circuit at Silverstone. I never passed anything and was told to get out and put some clothes on. But perhaps I wasn't entirely to blame - nude cycling is growing in respectability...as is nude exam-taking. But apparently the exam-papers themselves are so riddled with mistakes that School's Minister Nick Gibb is taking drastic action. We're lucky enough to have Mr Gibb with us in the studio tonight. Minister - you're planning to fine Exam-Boards that produce papers containing errors?
NICK GIBB:
Correct. I mean how difficult can it be to get these things right?
JUSTIN:
What sort of penalties can the Boards expect?
NICK GIBB:
We're looking at a flat-rate fine for every mistake. For example, if a Board produces 20 papers containing 4 errors, at £1000 per error that's a total fine of £11,000.
JUSTIN:
Err...are you sure about that?
NICK GIBB:
Of course I'm sure - I'm a Tory minister.
JUSTIN:
But it doesn't sound quite right - 4 errors at £1000 per error?
NICK GIBB:
Let me explain again - if the Board makes 2 papers in one month and each paper contains 2 errors, then that will clearly lead to a fine of....£50,000.
JUSTIN:
That still seems wrong.
NICK GIBB:
Look, it's quite simple. For each paper that contains more than one mistake...(UNSURE)...then...If there are 4 errors per paper, and...
JUSTIN:Take your time.
NICK GIBE:
(EVEN MORE UNSURE)...a train leaves Waterloo travelling at 100 miles an hour and passes another train coming the other way...
JUSTIN:
Can I get you some rough paper and a pencil?
NICK GIBB:
No, I'll get there.
JUSTIN:
I'm going to have to press you for an answer.
NICK GIBB:
Err...is it pi?
JUSTIN:
Only if the question is 'What are the stains on my jacket?' I'm sorry, but if you fine a board £1000 per paper and the paper contains 4 errors that's clearly £4000.
NICK GIBB:
I was going to say £4000!
JUSTIN:
But you didn't. Did you revise at all for this interview?
NICK GIBB:
I wanted to, but there was the conference and my blog and Twitter and...
JUSTIN:
I'm sorry, but these marks are final. You were completely and utterly wrong...so I can only give you a B.
NICK GIBB:
Hmm - not bad.
F/X - Document pages flipped over.
JUSTIN:
And a quick check of the career-options for someone so utterly terrible at basic mathematics shows you're unfit for anything except...Member of the Cabinet.
NICK GIBB:
What can I say - the system works.
JUSTIN:
Quite. Now get out and put some clothes on.
