"Macca marries haulage heiress"
Justin intro:
Hitler only had one; The Beatles had two each; while The Two Ronnies had no more than two between them - but that wouldn't have stopped them doing this gag. Because I am of course referring to wives. Yes, The Beatles had two wives each, until this week that is, when Paul McCartney added a ninth to the aggregate - although many believe he must have been one over the eight already when he married Heather Mills.
We here at NewsJack are lucky enough to have discovered Macca's mobile phone number - it's the same as his bank balance - and we have had exclusive access to hack into the prenuptial discussions with his new wife, New York heiress Nancy Shevell.
(FX mobile phone rings)
Paul McCartney:
Nancy, Kidda, it's me. Have you thought any more about a date for our wedding? Hey, June won't make it bad...
(FX mobile phone beep)
Nancy Shevell (a la Janice from Friends):
Hello my little love Beatle - oooh, I could just squash you! Best wait until October with all the preparation we still gotta do. We haven't even had the banns done yet. Ciao!
(FX mobile phone beep)
Paul McCartney:
The bans are easy. I thought we'd ban Heather and Yoko - and Ringo can only come if he doesn't sing. Speak soon.
(FX mobile phone beep)
Nancy Shevell (exuberant):
My little Macca-pacca! Look at all the engagement presents you got me! Badda boom badda bling! Did you really go out and buy all this new stuff especially for little old me?! It's amazing! [Calmer] Though I don't know that I'll use the walking stick too much, but still. ... you are the best! Love you.
(FX mobile phone beep)
Paul McCartney:
Nancy-la, it's me. I'm so happy to have put everything behind me and found someone with so many things in common with me - about 500 million of them. I have a huge fortune; you have a haulage fortune....
(FX mobile phone beep)
Nancy Shevell:
It's me! Stella has agreed to do my dress but doesn't know what colour to make it. I wanted it to be traditional but I thought that as you're wearing an ebony suit I might try and think of something that sits, you know, side by side, like, in perfect harmony? Let me know if you have any ideas - I guess I could ask Stevie Wonder. Call me!
(FX mobile phone beep)
Paul McCartney:
Nancy, Kidda, I'd like this wedding to be low key but we need to think which magazine we are going to sell the rights to. If you say "Hello", I'll say "Goodbye"!
(FX mobile phone beep)
Nancy Shevell:
"OK"?
(FX mobile phone beep)
Paul McCartney:
Look, I don't want to be a downer, but there's something I need to tell you about the wedding. After I've signed the Register you won't be allowed onto the records - I'm sorry, but that's a standard pre-nup clause for all The Beatles after the damage Linda and Yoko did.
Anyway, I really can't wait until the ceremony, as God is my witness - Eric Clapton couldn't make it, so it's the next best thing. Bye!
(FX mobile phone beep)
Weird Semi Australian/ American voice:
James Murdoch here - I can't recall why I phoned this number.
(FX mobile phone beep)