EXT. OLD LADY'S GARDEN - MORNING
A POSTMAN (with a welsh accent) creeps down the garden path. Suddenly an OLD WOMAN bursts out of her front door and confronts the POSTMAN
OLD LADY
You!
The POSTMAN nearly jumps out of his skin
POSTMAN
Jesus woman! I nearly laid an egg!
OLD WOMAN
You'll be laying more than eggs when I've finished with you sonny! Where have you been this last week!? It was my birthday not long ago and you've not delivered one single card!
POSTMAN
Happy Birthday
OLD WOMAN
What!?
POSTMAN
Better late than never madam
OLD WOMAN
Give me my post!
The OLD WOMAN snatches the post from the POSTMAN's hands
OLD WOMAN
Look at all this post! All these birthday cards! I've been phoning everyone I know! Demanding where my cards were! I thought no one cared! And all along it was you not doing your job properly! You incompetent fool! I've made such an idiot of myself!
POSTMAN
I can explain madam!
OLD WOMAN
Well it better be good!
POSTMAN
It's your cat you see...
OLD WOMAN
My cat!?
POSTMAN
Yes, your cat! It attacks me! Every morning without fail! It waits for me! I'm afraid it's gone quite mad madam!
OLD WOMAN
Captain Snuggles!?
POSTMAN
That's his name?
OLD WOMAN
He's just a cat!
POSTMAN
A cat with a chip on his shoulder madam
OLD WOMAN
A chip where!? Don't talk nonsense! He's a good kitty!
POSTMAN
Oh he's quite the opposite, madam! He sits in the shadows! Watching me! Taunting me! And then when I get to your front door...he strikes!
The POSTMAN makes a show of "jumping out of the shadows" and the woman jumps
OLD WOMAN
Have you gone mad?
POSTMAN
I used to think it was the smell of fish!
OLD WOMAN
Fish!?
POSTMAN
Yes! You see I'm quite fond of tuna sandwiches
OLD WOMAN
Tuna sandwiches!?
POSTMAN
I used to carry one with me all the time. For lunch. I thought it must of been that you see? But now I just carry a Pot Noodle!
OLD WOMAN
A Pot Noodle!?
POSTMAN
Yes madam! A Pot Noodle! It's sealed, you see? Doesn't smell! But I didn't think it through! I need hot water! Where do I get hot water!? I'm a postman! I can't just carry a kettle around with me! And where would I plug it into!? I would need a plug socket! And where would that go to!?
OLD WOMAN
Well I-
POSTMAN
You let me finish damn it! I would need a generator! A blasted generator! All for a blasted Pot Noodle! Is that what you want!? Do you want me to drag a generator around with me where ever I go!?
OLD WOMAN
Of course not!
POSTMAN
I ate it dry yesterday madam! A DRY POT NOODLE! Oh the shame! If my father could see me now! No one should ever have to eat a dry Pot Noodle! I mean, my tears softened the noodles a little but it wasn't enough, madam! It just wasn't enough!
The POSTMAN breaks down in tears
POSTMAN
Oh no! It's him! Oh for the love of god!
The POSTMAN turns and runs away down the garden path
CAPTAIN SNUGGLES (O.S)
Oi! I've told you! I'll rip your bloody eyes out!
A man dressed as a cat chases the POSTMAN down the garden clutching a baseball bat
I thought it would be funnier if he was ranting with a welsh accent 
Phil Mitchell in the cat suit would be perfect!
