I'd love to hear your thoughts on the first part of my 'Come Dine With Me' sketch. You need a bit of a sick sense of humour for this:
INT. HANNIBAL LECTOR'S HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON
V/O
Every week four strangers meet up at each others houses every night for a dinner party, mark each other in secret and at the end of the week the person with the highest score wins the cash prize of one thousand pounds!
Tonight we're at the swanky home of Hannibal "the cannibal" Lector.
HANNIBAL
Tonight I think my guests are going to love what I cook for them. It will be foods close to their heart.
V/O
Such as arteries and vital organs. The first guest to arrive is JEREMY.
HANNIBAL opens the door to find JEREMY KYLE clutching a bunch of dead flowers.
HANNIBAL
Hello Clareece
JEREMY KYLE
Excuse me?
HANNIBAL
Oh, erm, sorry I thought you were someone else...
JEREMY KYLE
Sorry about the flowers, they seemed to wither up and die as soon as I touched them...
Quite a posh house you have here. You working?
HANNIBAL
Why of course, I'm a doctor
JEREMY KYLE
That IS a surprise
V/O
The next guest to arrive, in a hollowed out Camel and complete with a snakeskin containing his own piss, it's BEAR.
BEAR GRYLLS appears at the door
BEAR GRYLLS
Hello mate. I'd shake your hand but I've just had my fist in a bull's anus
HANNIBAL
Charming
BEAR GRYLLS hands HANNIBAL the snakeskin containing his own piss
HANNIBAL
Oh my word
BEAR GRYLLS
What kind of dinner guest would I be if I didn't bring you some kind of beverage eh? AND you can re use the snakeskin once you've drank my piss
BEAR pats HANNIBAL on the back and then does a forward roll past him, into the house with his hands together to look like a gun.
BEAR meets JEREMY in the living room
BEAR
Wow, Jeremy Kyle! I'd shake your hand but I'm afraid I've been elbow deep in a bull's arsehole
JEREMY
Wow, charming. MAYBE YOU SHOULD WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT, YOUNG MAN, BEFORE YOU COME ON MY STAGE.
BEAR
Sorry?
V/O
And finally the last guest arrives. It's KATIE PRICE a.k.a JORDAN
JORDAN
Hello sweetheart. You awright? I brought you some of that fancy Lambrini
HANNIBAL
Lambrini?
JORDAN
Aw it's awright if it a bit girly for ya! I've got some Mad Dog 20/20 in the glove box if you'd rather have that.
HANNIBAL
No, really...It's fine
V/O
Now to the cooking! And to begin the meal, Hannibal is starting off with 'Hannibal's Prostitute Surprise'
HANNIBAL (interview)
Surprise! It's a male prostitute!
V/O
But what will his guests make of this?
JEREMY (interview)
I think that sounds absolutely vile. I wouldn't feed that to my slaves
JORDAN (interview)
That sounds quite familiar ya know!
BEAR (interview)
I've had worse...much worse
V/O
First off Hannibal waits until dark and then sneaks off into the night to Dock Street, leaving his guests hungry and irritated.
JEREMY (interview)
It took so long for the first course that I started to feel sick with hunger. I got bored quite quickly and started laying into Jordan's 'private' life. Bear got so hungry he ate one of Jordan's implants. Jordan didn't seem to mind much.
BEAR
It tasted like silicone and spunk
V/O
When Hannibal eventually gets back with a large heavy looking black bin liner, he prepares his meat by bludgeoning, violating and dicing various "juicy bits".
Find out after the break what his guests thought of it all!
