Sketch deleted.
Newsjack sketch - 24: Health Issues
It's alright, couple of good lines, but nothing really happens. Needs a bit more action.
It's missing that X-Factor; doesn't jump off the page for me.
Dan
It's slim pickings this week, news wise ain't it?! Cheers for the feedback as ever, Dan.
One of the better early sketches I heard on the first NJ I listened to was after a woman had won Miss Cornwall having lied on her application (she'd said she was 24 when she was really 32 or something, but that's not important right now). The sketch format was something like this:
MISS CORNWALL SKETCH
Miles: This week Miss Cornwall was disqualified for having lied on her application form. I have Miss Cornwall with me now. Are you able to shed any light as to why you were disqualified?
Miss Cornwall (in deep masculine voice, sounding a bit puzzled)): No, no idea.
Miles: Did they not give you any indications?
Miss Cornwall (deep voice etc): No. It might have been the shoes.
THE END
I can't remember the actual lines - but it was just two variations on the one joke, nice and simple.
I don't think a sketch has to go somewhere - it just has to have a couple of linked gags. I like very very much the thinking - this is pure comedy, making links that others won't necessarily link. Who's most likely to get Text Neck? => countless sketches about teenage girls, pain in the neck, other obvious leaps. Making it Jack Bauer is a very good idea.
But...
You could have done that sketch in the same way you could have done Miss Cornwall (stop sniggering at the back). Two or three lines could have done it - two big laughs - Text Neck, it's Jack Bauer! - "do it Jack and hold you head up high". I think if you are honest about it you will say they are the only two gags in there - so padding just dilutes.
Just my opinion. And, as I say, fantastic idea - and who knows, if you'd not posted it here they may have used it!
Cheers for the feedback mate. I think you're right about there only being two real gags in the sketch. Having read what people submit and how they edit them I thought I'd pad it out without giving them too much to do potentially.
I'm a bit worried about the possibility of them not using it because I've posted it on here though?! Should I be?!
Yes. Don't post anything up here until after they're rejected it.