Woman

I was going to enter this into the last skit comp but never got the chance to finish it.

INT. SMALL OLD SHOP. DAY.
RORY WALKS IN AND ADDRESSES THE SHOPKEEPER.

RORY:
Hi. I'm looking for almost anything.

SHOPKEEPER:
Well you've come to the right place.

RORY:
Why is that?

SHOP:
Because we have almost anything.

RORY:
Including krackenboings?

SHOP:
What would they be sir?

RORY:
I don't know I've just made it up. Am we could say they are heated playing cards... stuck onto a picture of Niall Quinn... throwing tennis balls into the sea.

THE SHOPKEEPER PRODUCES TWO OF WHAT RORY HAS JUST DESCRIBED.

SHOP:
In red or black?

RORY:
Well done, you've passed the krackenboing test. I'll be sure to tell Niall. Now what I'm actually looking for is one of those things that wouldn't be as tall as me. You know, they're often there or thereabouts.

SHOP:
Aaam???

RORY:
They're the different ones to us, they would be slimmer usually.

SHOP:
A coat hanger?

RORY:
No. They could have long hair or less hair on their body.

SHOP:
A puppy?

RORY:
No. They look nice. I find myself attracted to them.

SHOP:
Steve Davis?

RORY:
What?!

SHOP:
No. Nothing, nevermind. What are you actually looking for?

RORY:
God! You know the way we have something between our legs, they don't really. I've seen pictures of them on the internet completely naked.

PUZZLED LOOK FROM SHOPKEEPER.

RORY:
They smell nice.

SHOP:
So you're looking for something that's smaller than you, has less hair on their body, they don't have anything between their legs like we do, you've seen them naked online, they smell nice and you find yourself attracted to them.

RORY:
Yes, yes exactly!

SHOP:
(Knowingly) Ah ha! I know what you're after now (chuckles). You're looking for a perfume-tested, castrated sheep that has recently had his wool shorn.

RORY STARES AT HIM DISGUSTED FOR SEVERAL SECONDS.

RORY:
Thats it exactly!

THE SHOPKEEPER HANDS HIM A SHEEP OVER THE COUNTER AND HE HAPPILY WALKS TOWARDS THE DOOR WITH THE SHEEP IN HIS ARMS. AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN WALKS IN.
RORY TAKES A DOUBLE-TAKE, DROPS THE SHEEP AND LOOKS AT THE WOMAN DISBELIEVINGLY. HE SLOWLY WALKS IN FRONT OF HER AND STARES IN SHOCK AND AWE.

RORY:
(ASTOUNDED) ..Wwwwhat the hell is this!?!

END.

You missed out him shouting 'Margret' into the back of the shop and repeating the order.

I don't understand the pay off either sorry.

Yeah I realised the similarity to a certain Little Britain sketch after I wrote it. The pay off is supposed to be that he has never seen a woman before.

Thanks for the comment.

Does this make the ending any clearer?...

INT. SMALL OLD SHOP. DAY.
RORY WALKS IN AND ADDRESSES THE SHOPKEEPER.

RORY:
Hi. I'm looking for almost anything.

SHOPKEEPER:
Well you've come to the right place.

RORY:
Why is that?

SHOP:
Because we have almost anything.

RORY:
Including krackenboings?

SHOP:
What would they be sir?

RORY:
I don't know I've just made it up. Am we could say they are heated playing cards... stuck onto a picture of Niall Quinn... throwing tennis balls into the sea.

THE SHOPKEEPER PRODUCES TWO OF WHAT RORY HAS JUST DESCRIBED.

SHOP:
In red or black?

RORY:
Well done, you've passed the krackenboing test. I'll be sure to tell Niall. Now what I'm actually looking for is one of those things that wouldn't be as tall as me. You know, they're often there or thereabouts.

SHOP:
Aaam???

RORY:
They're the different ones to us, they would be slimmer usually.

SHOP:
A coat hanger?

RORY:
No. They could have long hair or less hair on their body.

SHOP:
A puppy?

RORY:
No. They look nice. I find myself attracted to them.

SHOP:
Steve Davis?

RORY:
What?!

SHOP:
No. Nothing, nevermind. What are you actually looking for?

RORY:
God! You know the way we have something between our legs, they don't really. I've seen pictures of them on the internet completely naked.

PUZZLED LOOK FROM SHOPKEEPER.

RORY:
They smell nice.

SHOP:
So you're looking for something that's smaller than you, has less hair on their body, they don't have anything between their legs like we do, you've seen them naked online, they smell nice and you find yourself attracted to them.

RORY:
Yes, yes exactly!

SHOP:
(Knowingly) Ah ha! I know what you're after now (chuckles). You're looking for a perfume-tested, castrated sheep that has recently had his wool shorn.

RORY STARES AT HIM DISGUSTED FOR SEVERAL SECONDS.

RORY:
Thats it exactly!

THE SHOPKEEPER HANDS HIM A SHEEP OVER THE COUNTER AND HE HAPPILY WALKS TOWARDS THE DOOR WITH THE SHEEP IN HIS ARMS. AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN WALKS IN.
RORY TAKES A DOUBLE-TAKE, DROPS THE SHEEP AND LOOKS AT THE WOMAN DISBELIEVINGLY. HE SLOWLY WALKS IN FRONT OF HER AND STARES IN SHOCK AND AWE.

RORY:
(ASTOUNDED) ..(to shopkeeper)Wwwwhat the hell is this thing!?!

SHOP:
Thats a woman.

RORY:
A what?

HE STARES AT THE WOMAN IN WONDERMENT.

END.

I liked the silly made up word exchanges, had a two Ronnie's feel to it. I think it ended well at him buying the sheep. The last paragraph felt added on to include a woman reference and didn't fit in overall I'd say. Saying that, I liked your first version more, maybe he could have had a nonchalant reaction to seeing the woman and just nods at her or something, that I think would have been funnier.

Sorry, Otterfox it didn't really do it for me. Seemed a bit too nonsensical rather than surreal or whimsical.

Inventive as always Otterfox. I especially like 'heated playing cards'. On the whole, the sketch didn't quite do it for me but it could be used for salvaging ideas in another sketch.

I like the opening, but I don't think the "woman" angle was enough.

Why not just continue with Rory asking for increasingly more-impossible objects and the shopkeeper bravely producing everything asked for.

It would need a different punchline but I'm sure you could work one out.

I got the punch in the original, and enjoyed the sketch (I don't watch Little Britain). If I was being picky I would say the sketch consists of two ideas and there is a bit of a join in the middle.

I enjoyed this, but like the others have said, wasn't sure about the ending. How about, having him sitting cuddling the sheep in a park when he sees a woman. He then goes furiously back to the shop to demand a refund, whereupon the shopkeeper says

'Only if you've not broken the seal'

Sorry My point is I think there is a better punchline, almost certainly not a gross out one.

Quote: Ishy @ October 9 2011, 11:21 PM BST

How about, having him sitting cuddling the sheep in a park when he sees a woman. He then goes furiously back to the shop to demand a refund, whereupon the shopkeeper says

'Only if you've not broken the seal'
My point is I think there is a better punchline.

View original

Maybe. Not yours though!

Quote: Marc P @ October 9 2011, 11:57 PM BST

Maybe. Not yours though!

View original

Indeed. Which is why I jokingly said 'Sorry', and said 'almost certainly not a gross out one'. I probably should have added 'like that one I just mentioned'

Quote: Ishy @ October 10 2011, 12:06 AM BST

Indeed. Which is why I jokingly said 'Sorry', and said 'almost certainly not a gross out one'. I probably should have added 'like that one I just mentioned'

View original

Don't try and apologise now Ishy. You are an absolute shower!