I sort of lost what I was aiming for with this, taking the piss out of the OTT MasterChef music.
GRAMS:LIGHT AND JINGLY INCIDENTAL MUSIC.
PRODUCER:No, no, no! We need drum 'n' bass; gut bursting cymbal crashes. Don't you realise since we moved to the afternoon slot Masterchef has been dropping ratings like a Parkinson's sufferer with a bag of M n Ms?!
MUSIC DIRECTOR: But they're only cutting carrots.
P:You're not picking up on the emotion of the situation. Masterchef is the only thing that stands between these people having to perform humiliating tasks in front of Paddy McGuiness whilst dressed in mankinis.
MD:The problem is they're not celebrities. A whole new alphabet would have to be developed to classify these nonentities.
P:Well, we're doing worse than the Australian version and that's just an hour of people throwing shrimps on the Barbie. So just tell me what happens and I'll tell you what to use.
MD:Fine. First of all John and Gregg enter the judging room.
P
K, I want fear; like Max Schreck's entrance as Nosferatu!
MD:Then we have a shot of Phil Vickery cutting his finger.
P:I'm thinking, Psycho - shower scene - blood curdling screams!
MD:But he's a big rugby guy with cauliflower ears the size of a ten year olds head.
P:Look, any more dissent and I'll send you back to Tim Westwood.
MDk, ok! The next shot is Gregg putting a spoon in his mouth like a metal-eating circus freak.
P:Hmm, I want an intense drum-roll followed by...rapturous chimpanzee applause!
MD
SIGHS) Then we end on Ricky Groves being knocked out of the competition.
P:We need something heart-wrenching. What about the music from...Schindler's List! Yes, that's it! Now let's listen to it.
FX:TYPING ON KEYBOARD.
MDk, here we go.
GRAMS/FX:NOSFERATU'S ENTRANCE; PSYCHO SHOWER SCENE SCREAMING; INTENSE DRUMROLL; RAPTUROUS CHIMPANZEE APPLAUSE.
GRAMS
CHINDLER'S LIST THEME
GREGG WALLACE: It doesn't get tougher than this
P:Brilliant! The ratings will be through the roof.
MD:I wouldn't watch Points of View next week if I were you.
END OF SKETCH.