This is a reworking of a skit-comp entry what I wrote, to enable it to be performed on stage. Hopefully it works and there's nothing impractical in there.
KEV - EVERYMAN FACTORY WORKER
GORDON - JOLLY HEALTH AND SAFETY MAN
(THE STAGE HAS A TABLE ON IT. KEV IS STANDING BY THE TABLE WITH A HAMMER. HE HITS HIS FINGER WITH THE HAMMER.
KEV:
BOLLOCKS.
(GORDON EMERGES WITH A CLIPBOARD AND A CARRIER BAG)
GORDON:
Ouch.
KEV:
Bollocks actually. I nearly took my bloody thumb off.
GORDON:
No OUCH. I'm from OUCH. We're a consultancy that's helping you ORGANISE and UNDERSTAND your COMPANIES HEALTH and safety.
KEV:
Great. Just what I need.
GORDON(chuckling):
I often get that reaction. People soon change their minds when they see my videos though.
KEV:
What videos?
GORDON:
Industrial accident videos my friend. I lull them into a false sense of security by starting off with people getting paper cuts, or bumping their heads on buckets and then horrify and traumatise them with some truly 'shit yourself' footage. Unfortunately I've forgotten my computer.
KEV:
Thank God for that.
GORDON:
Fortunately I've managed to put together some sketches on the train, so I'll tell my story through the medium of the pencil.
(GORDON SHOWS KEV THE FIRST PAGE FROM HIS CLIPBOARD)
GORDON:
Meet Rupert Smith.
KEV:
What are those blobs next to him?
(GORDON SOUNDS IRRITATED)
GORDON:
His family obviously. He's happy. He's got a new job starting on Monday. The kids are asleep. Him and and his wife have just had a bottle of wine. They go up to bed, start to cuddle, and then one thing leads to another.
(GORDON TURNS THE PAGE)
GORDON:
Rupert, you lucky, lucky, bastard. What I wouldn't give for some of that sweet, sweet lovin.
(GORDON SHOWS KEV THE PICTURE. KEV LOOKS SHOCKED.)
KEV:
You dirty bugger.
(GORDON TURNS THE PAD AROUND, RIPS THE PAGE OFF AND THEN FURTIVELY PUTS IT INTO HIS POCKET)
GORDON:
I'm just setting the scene. Don't be such a prude. Anyway, next day he's at work. He doesn't think health and safety is important either. Until that is, he's the victim of a poorly maintained conveyor belt.
(GORDON SHOWS KEV THE NEXT DRAWING)
KEV:
What the bloody hell is that?
GORDON:
His ball sack my friend. Mangled beyond recognition. Do you want me to continue?
KEV:
No thanks. I get the message.
GORDON:
Good man. I'll be visiting you and your colleagues over the next few days giving you some handy health and safety tips. As an aide-memoire, I've set most of them to music. Here's a small taster.
(GORDON CLEARS HIS THROAT AND STARTS TO SING)
GORDON (To the tune of Horsey Horsey)
If you're lifting heavy weights this is the way to go.
Stand right above it, bend your knees down low.
Lift with your legs and you'll be right on track.
Keep it slow and steady or you'll blow your f**king back.
(KEV STANDS AGHAST AND THEN SEES GORDON IS WAITING FOR APPLAUSE WHICH HE RELUCTANTLY GIVES)
GORDON:
Wonderful. You've been such a good listener, you've won a prize. It's a coconut.
(GORDON KEEPS HIS LEGS STRAIGHT AND BENDS DOWN TO PICK A COCONUT OUT OF HIS BAG. A LOUD CRACKING SOUND IS HEARD)
GORDON:
Jesus wept.
KEV:
You ok?
GORDON:
I'm fine. It's happened before. I just need a shock to stop my back spasming. Would you mind just popping your finger up my bottom? That usually does the trick
(KEV PICKS UP THE PAD, WRITES ON IT, SHOWS IT TO GORDON AND STORMS OFF)
GORDON: (SCREWS UP HIS EYES TO LOOK AT THE TEXT)
Go what myself? Oh. (shouting after him) Your handwriting is terrible. I've a song that should interest you. It's the Jackson 5s ABC, using the words RSI instead. Come on. It's a belter.
