[a door opens and shuts, Mr. Jekyll enters]
Utterson: Dr. Jekyll, what a pleasant surprise.
Jekyll: A pleasant surprise for you, but born out of distinct unpleasantness for me, I assure you Mr. Utterson.
Utterson: Cryptic as ever Jekyll, you must sit down. Tell me, what brings you to my chambers at so early an hour?
Jekyll: I have a problem, one which requires no small measure of thought to solve. I assume you are aware of the potion I on which I have been working, to cure my small...issue.
Utterson: Jekyll, I sincerely hope you have not travelled from Cavendish Square to discuss with me your fungal foot infection. Is this good news?
Jekyll (worriedly, faltering): It is cured -
Utterson: I am worried, Jekyll. Though you bring good news your tone is further from the joy of a man freed from the yoke of Athletes foot than-
Jekyll [becoming agitated] : This potion..it..it has led to the development, in me, of some rather unwanted side effects.
Utterson: Be quick Jekyll, relate to me these effects. If I possess the medical capacity to offer aid I will do so.
Jekyll [his voice rising]: Since I began using the potion I have experienced a change the severity of which has been increasing. Now, every night when the moon is set I divide and become another, crude in form and mind, brazen and uncouth I become, him.
Utterson Gasps
Jekyll: I, Dr. Jekyll, graduate of cambridge university and medical doctor become, Mr. Hyde - a man with NO FORMAL QUALIFICATIONS at all.
Utterson [after a pause]: Good. God.
[they both stare at each other for a few seconds]
Utterson: Has he NO qualifications?
Jekyll [visibly shaken]: I..I found a certificate in my pocket. I will not recount the filthy words printed thereon... I hope it will be sufficient for me to say that it is my firm belief that he is a... (disdaining) nutritionist.
Utterson: But, Jekyll, would he not require at least a degree to-
Jekyll: NO! It's not a protected term. It's subject to no professional regulation. Good God the shame. The shame. Utterson, Rumour has it a man by the name Mr. Hyde visited Sir Danvers Carew in the dead of night and developed, with him, a low calorie diet relying heavily on superfoods to enable him to lose weight. FAST.
Utterson: FAST?!
Jekyll: FAST.
[a noise comes from Uttersons stomach]: Oh dear, Jekyll you must forgive me. I wish to discuss this curious problem further but the chronic trapped wind which has plagued me these last few years appears to be rearing inside me. I suspect that Mrs. Utterson may have forgotten to slip my windeaze into the apple sauce this evening.
Jekyll (looks uncomfortable, starts to loosen his tie): Ah, but I have a solution for this, old friend.
Utterson: You must tell me, anything to cure the-
[Jekyll gets out a sieve, Utterson looks surprised]
Jekyll (suddenly more chirpy): All I need you to do is place this sieve over your toilet bowl next time you crap and I'll tell you exactly what's wrong.
Utterson: Jekyll, what exactly can one tell from...
Jekyll: Oh God it's happening. The change. I can feel it. (strangled noises, his voice becomes less posh) How's your fibre intake...(shouting) MATE. Celery is good for
your eyes. (clearly in turmoil, becoming posh again) GET OUT OF HERE WHILST YOU STILL CAN.
[Utterson gets up and backs away, knocking over his whiskey glass and a table as he goes, suddenly as Jekyll begins waving the sieve threateningly he turns round and runs through the door, slamming it behind him]
