Actually my first attempt at a sketch as I wrote it a few days ago before my other sketch Meet us at the Table. It's got similar to themes to that one and again this is written to be performed live.
EDIT: I've added a line near the end.
Are You Ready to Order?
By James Cotter
Three smartly dressed couples enter a restaurant together and take a seat. Humphrey and Sophia in blue, Charles and Clare in yellow and Thomas and Marjorie in red. A French waiter approaches them.
Waiter: Would you like to see a menu sir?
Humphrey: (repeating the question slowly to himself) Would I like to see a menu? Oh gosh jolly difficult question that one we've only just arrived you know.
Charles: What's the chap asking Humphrey?
Thomas: I think he's mentioned something do with seeing a menu.
Clare: A menu, do we want to see a menu Charles?
Charles: I'm really not sure. How do you feel about this Thomas?
Thomas: Well ladies what do you think we should...
Humphrey: (interrupting) Really waiter we came out for a quite meal to get away from the hustle and bustle of life not to be put on the spot like this. You bloody Europeans never stop asking questions, I say just leave us too it. Your be asking to pay in those dam Euro's in a minute.
Sophia: Hang on a mo, I'm starting to wonder if we, we should in fact plump for a menu at this consultative stage.
Marjorie: Are you sure Sophia bit of a risk at this early stage?
Sophia: Yes I'm adamant we should.
Humphrey: You know what I've just come up with dash fine idea what about taking one of these menu thingys. I fear, my right honourable friends, this is a decision we must act upon now.
The men nod in argument but the women look rather peeved.
Humphrey (Cont'd): Well that's sorted, we'll have one of your finest menus, don't try to fob us of with any of your unsavory foreign menus, will have none of that here you know.
Waiter: Just the one menu?
Charles: Oh dash he's got us there old boy do you think just one will do? I mean time we all have a look at the old thing it will be time to leave but don't let me question you Humphrey, perhaps we could share eh?
Humphrey: Share? Well I don't know about that. You can have it when I'm finished with it.
Thomas: No we should all have a fair share of menus, I say bring a dozen menus and bugger the cost eh?
They all laugh not very convincingly.
Waiter: How about I bring a menu for you all that way it would be much easier for you to peruse privately.
Sophia: Well I say really?
Humphrey: A damned extravagance.
Marjorie: But you only live once.
Charles: Yes. Yes we'll go for, how many of us are there's, one, two, three, four, five, six. Yes six menus.
Waiter: And would like a drink while you making your mind up ordering?
Humphrey: Uhh! A drink you say, um well I haven't quite planned that far ahead. Um what do you think Marjorie?
Marjorie: Yes Humphrey?
Humphrey: This young man here's asking if we like a drink.
Marjorie: I say what a jolly good idea. What have you got?
Waiter: We have a fine selection of drinks Madame. Cocktails, wine's, sprits, soft drinks.
Sophia: Yes but what in particular have you got chilling a way in your cabinet?
Waiter: Well all of that is in the drinks menu would like a drinks menu?
Humphrey: Steady on old chap let's not get carried away, let's just order the most expensive thing the place eh? What, what.
All: Hurrah!
Waiter: That would be Bollinger La Grande Année 1964 at £150 per a bottle. I will return with your drinks and menus.
The waiter leaves and the group chatter amongst themselves. The waiter returns sharply with a bottle of champagne and six menus.
Charles: Good chap. Just pop the bottle down there. Oh I say pop the bottle, see what I did there?
They all laugh. The waiter pours the drinks while they all peruse there menu's. Humphrey takes the bottle and pours some more for himself.
Charles (Cont'd): I say, not that it's my place to question but I thought that champers was for us all, you seem to be drinking the majority of it.
Humphrey: And so what of it?
Charles: Well I do think we should all share proportional representation and all that.
Thomas pulls out a hip flask from his jacket and starts to drink out of it.
Humphrey: Pish posh to all that. Can't believe you fell for all that Charles it was a wind up old chap, Thomas knows that and that's why he's bought his old hip flask.
Sophia gets up from her seat and heads towards the toilet.
Humphrey: I say where you going old girl?
Sophia: I'm just off to powder my nose.
Thomas: Be careful why don't you, you might lose your seat if you gone long I know how long you ladies can be.
They all laugh yet again. Sophia exits. The waiter coughs to bring attention back to the ordering.
Humphrey: I say is the fish any good?
Waiter: Yes sir it is excellent as is all the food in this restaurant.
Humphrey: No, no, no I mean is it British? Is it from good Anglo-Saxon stock.
Thomas: I say Humphrey old chap some of the foreign stuff dam fine too you know. What do you think Charles?
Charles: I'm not quite sure what ever Humphrey says he seems to do know his stuff.
Thomas: That's just typical of you Charles I really wish sometimes, you would form your own opinion.
Sophia re-enters.
Clare: Let's just take stock a second so we and get back to that matter in hand.
Marjorie: Well I say we should plump with the fish shall we?
Sophia: Sounds like a jolly good idea.
Claire: Yes fish sounds good but I was perhaps thinking of ordering Crème brûlée of foie gras with Tonga beans, Alain Soliveres, 1990 Louis Roederer Cristal. Would that be okay for you Thomas?
Thomas: Rather.
Waiter: A fine choice manmsal.
Marjorie: Well myself and Humphrey will go with the Ravioli with guinea fowl and burrata cheese, veal reduction, Annie Feolde and 1961 Château Palmer.
Charles: Well I think me and my wife will have I'll have the Tartar of Kobe beef with Imperial Beluga caviar and Belons oyster, Antoine Westermann and 1995 Krug Clos du Mesnil. If that's okay with you old chap?
Humphrey: Nice to see you taking a bit of incentive for once Charles.
Waiter: I shall assure these meals will be ready in no time at all, we have a very fine chef who's as passionate about his food as he is fine service.
The waiter walks away and the group chatter amongst themselves. From off stage we hear the chef.
Chef (off stage): Bloody hell, didn't know we served half of this. Look mate you do know this is a sketch don't you? No one's actually expecting to actually see the grub you know.
Charles: I say I wasn't really sure about this place when we first arrived, very pushy staff.
Clare: Yes I agree but I feel the service has improved somewhat.
Marjorie: Plus this must be the only restaurant in the South West that haven't refused to serve us.
The waiter returns with the food. The Chef stands at the kitchen doors looking grubby and unhygienic.
Waiter: Your food.
The Waiter puts the food in front of his costumers general chatter such as "mine looks good, how's yours?" Everyone eats. The waiter takes one of the bottle on the table and goes to one side and starts drinking from the bottle he then returns and starts taking away the plates.
Charles: I say I was just getting into that.
Chef: Look guvnor can I remind you this is a sketch did you really expect Pierre to wait for everyone to finish, I got to get these dishes clean for tomorrow.
The waiter takes the plates and returns rather quickly. The Chef also exits. General mumbling from the table.
Waiter: Would you like me to bring you the bill?
Humphrey: No, no I'm rather stuffed you know, I think will skip that and leave.
Charles: We get enough of those to deal with at work you know.
Waiter: But sir you must pay.
Thomas: if I had any idea it was that sort of establishment I would have never have come in the first place.
The customers make a sharp exit.
Waiter: Where are you going? Comeback! Comeback! Pour l'amour de Dieu!
The Chef re-enters.
Chef: Bloody hell it weren't another bunch of politicians was it?
Waiter: Yes, but how did you know?
Chef: Well let me think all that indecision with the menus, then just copying each other meals with a slight difference, and then them refusing to finish what they've started and to top it all off not paying for what they caused in the first place. It was better when they could put on the expenses tab.
Thank you. It's yet another of those which would be funnier and easier to understand performed. A few people who have taken a look at some sketches I've written have said that I'm an actors writer that's because I'm an actor. Yes it's very long and I have got a shorter version but will see how the longer version goes down in the read-through. Yes there's more then enough actors available that's what's part of the reason for writing it to give a lot of people parts.