THE BSG COMEDY COMPETITION 25/6

Quote: Leevil @ July 2, 2007, 11:09 PM

-CLOSED- -CLOSED- -CLOSED- -CLOSED- -CLOSED- -CLOSED- -CLOSED- -CLOSED-

No Entries Beyond This Point! "Oohh Errr!"

Post the name of your favourite entrant in this thread.

One Vote Per Person.

Don't Vote For Yourself.

Voting Ends: Wednesday 4th July Whenever I can be bothered!

Good luck.

View original

Welcome, welcome. I return as your host after my mental brake down and that thing, you know it was in all the papers .

Anyway, lets get on with this weeks comp and this weeks winner.

This winner is: Jude! Well done!! (P.M Your chosen topic by 2/7/07)

Points - Name
04 - Jude
02 - Leevil
02 - Michael Monkhouse
01 - Charley
01 - David Chapman
01 - Skibbington von Skubber

This weeks topic was chosen by Greggles. (I think?)

This weeks topic is: Ghosts

Rules:

• One entry per person.
• Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
• Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
• You can edit your entry, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: Monday 2nd July

Good luck!

Overall Leader Board

Points - Name
10 - Swerytd
10 - Leevil
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
09 - Charley Rance
09 - David Chapman
05 - Greggles
04 - Jude
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
03 - Stylo
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
01 - Michael Monkhouse
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz

Spot any mistakes? PM Me.

Leevil takes back control and hes suddenly first, spooky. That wasn't my entry by the way, if I do enter it'll be here. Well done Jude for winning last week.

Tour in haunted mansion:

Tour guide: Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the most hauntiest of haunts you’ll ever see haunted. We would like to begin the tour by introducing you to our most scariest of scary spectres… Sir Kenneth Steeple-Tower. Now Sir Kenneth died back in the mid 18th Century due to the most horribliest of horrible accidents.

Ghost Hunters: Oooohhhh

Tour Guide: We have to wait as patient as patiently possible here until he is ready so show himself, so prepare yourselves.

Ghost Hunters begin to get camera’s ready and ghost hunting equipment poised to record movement.

Tour Guide: Sometimes he has even communicated to us in that ghostly communicating way…

Ghost Hunters: Wow!

Tour Guide: I can feel him coming…he’s COMING (dramatically)

Ghost Hunters begin to act very excited but the excitement soon dies away as a fat man waddles out of the darkness wearing a white sheet and some ketchup spattered over him. He runs towards the crowd and then away into the darkness crying ghostly noises.

Tour Guide: Well ghost Hunters…Sir Steeple-Tower…wasn’t that amazingly amazing?!

Ghost Hunter 1: That was the shittist of shitty showings I hope I’ll ever have to seemingly see you f*cking tosspot!

END

I know I shouldn't, but I actually did chuckle at that one. Not too bad!

I have two penises. It was all going so well for me till I went to a haunted house. Scared the willies off me.

Harold is in bed trying to get to sleep. It is very late. He is very tired.
He pulls the duvet up around his chin & snuggles up. Just as he is drifting off he feels hands on his shoulders shaking him .

Female Voice.
Pssssst Wake up right now you lazy bastard.

Harold
Uh! Whats going on. (.Harold sits up in bed, rubs his eyes and reaches for his glasses. He puts them on his face. Nobody is there. He starts to shake clinging to the duvet)

Female Voice.
Oiiiiiii! Don’t you recognise my voice Harrrr rrrrold.

Harold
(Sweating) Marg is that you.

Female Voice
Oh Yes. It is me alright. Remember me. Your wife of 20 years .How can you sleep at such a time Harrrr rold.

Harold
(Eyes on stalks) I am dreaming. (pinches himself)OUCH!

Female Voice
Your not dreaming you idiotic moomin.

Harold feels a breeze on his face.

Harold
Pooh (Holds his nose) You still have gingivitis I see.

Female Voice
And you are still a chubby little dwarf Harold. I see the stress of my death made no qualms on your appetite. Now I have not come back to have mindless banter with you. Where is the painting of me that hung above OUR bed. The one I specified in my will must stay above OUR bed until your death. Where is it Harrrrrr rrold.

Harold
Erm! Oh Err! It is in the attic.

Female voice
(Angry) Why is it in the attic. I specifficaly stated (Screeches in Harold ears) ABOVE THE BLOODIE BED!

Harold.
(Harold puts his finger in his sore ear ) I erm was too distressed by your passing to keep it up there Marg.

Female voice
LIAR!! (Starts to sing eerily) Liar liar pants on fire, fatty has got 4 spare tyres, Harrr rrrrold is a porky pie er. (Mad) Don’t lie to me Harrrrr rrrold. You have been shagging Edith from next door, every which way but loose, probably that way too. You took it down because it was putting you off your stroke.

Harold
No! Look I will go up the ladder and get the painting for you Marg. I will do it now.
Harold swings his legs out of bed, puts his feet in his slippers & throws on a dressing gown. He leaves the room, returning 10 minutes later with the painting of a stern grey haired woman, eyes glaring out into the soul of the man who painted it. Harold places it on the hook on the wall above the bed.

Harold
There is that better Marg.

Silence.

Cut to the next evening. Edith is sitting on Harolds bed in her polka dot nightie. Arms folded.
Edith
I told you Harold I am not letting you do me with that (points to the painting) Looking down at us.

Harold
I cant take it down Edith (Rubs her arm) I cant tell you why, you wouldn’t believe me.(Shakes his head, then starts kissing Ediths neck. Ethith moans & succumbs to Harolds advances. She lay back on the bed and Harold climbs on top. He looks up at the painting just as the lips start to move and a female voice is heard.(Only by Harold).A whiff of gingivitis fills the air.

Female voice
Faster Harold. Go on pump her for all she is worth.

Harold
(Shocked) What!

Female voice
Come on Harold play. It’s a bit like that threesome you always wanted. Harder faster go on.Give it some welly man.(Starts to rap. Pump up the jam)

Harold starts pumping for all he is worth. (Red faced huffing & puffing)

Cut to ambulance men taking Harolds body away. Edith is crying.
Harold’s soul is on the street when Marg appears.

Marg
There Harold see. I told you removing that painting was putting you off your stroke.

Oh wow! Really surprised, but dead chuffed to win!

So thanks to everyone who took the time and trouble to read through and vote

Bumping so peeps can get their sketches in.

actually, ignore this post.

Quote: Ed Parnell @ June 27, 2007, 1:06 AM

actually, ignore this post.

View original

What post?

Owwwww!

Quote: EllieJP @ June 26, 2007, 3:24 AM

Tour in haunted mansion:

Tour guide: Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the most hauntiest of haunts you’ll ever see haunted. We would like to begin the tour by introducing you to our most scari

<SNIP>

Ghost Hunter 1: That was the shittist of shitty showings I hope I’ll ever have to seemingly see you f*cking tosspot!

END

View original

HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING MOST HAUNTED?

A GORGEOUS GOTH-CHICK SITS AT HER KITCHEN TABLE READING A MAGAZINE.

TWO FORMLESS GHOSTS, TRADITIONAL OLD SKOOL FREDERICK AND HIS WAYWARD YOUNG APPRENTICE COLIN, ARE TRYING TO SCARE HER.

COLIN (V.O.)
(half-hearted)
Woo!

THE GOTH-CHICK DOESN`T RESPOND.

COLIN (V.O.)
Huh?

FREDERICK (V.O.)
Put your soul into it. Scare her Colin!

COLIN (V.O.)
OK. Here goes.

FREDERICK (V.O.)
Come on. Chop, chop.

COLIN (V.O.)
(lets go, Blur-like)
Woo-Hoo!

THE GOTH-CHICK STILL DOESN`T RESPOND.

COLIN (V.O.)
Aww!

FREDERICK (V.O.)
Allow me!

FREDERICK`S HEAVY FOOTSTEPS CAN BE HEARD APPROACHING THE TABLE.

COLIN (V.O.)
Go Frederick! Go Frederick!

FREDERICK (V.O.)
(well-spoken, booming)
Well, hello there young lady.

COLIN (V.O.)
(trembling)
I`ve come over all f... f... funny and trembly.

THE GOTH-CHICK STILL DOESN`T RESPOND.

FREDERICK (V.O.)
(clears his throat)
I want to rip off your tight basque and...

COLIN (V.O.)
(coughs and interrupts)
... That`s not allowed. It`s in the rules.

FREDRICK`S HEAVY FOOTSTEPS CAN BE HEARD WALKING AWAY FROM THE TABLE.

COLIN (V.O.)
I`m sorry Frederick. I... I...

FREDERICK (V.O.)
Come on, spit it out Colin.

COLIN (V.O.)
(sadly)
I don`t think I`m cut out for being a ghost.

FREDERICK (V.O.)
Nonsense! You`ll get the hang of it!

THE GOTH-CHICK STANDS UP.

COLIN (V.O.)
Woah! Permission to break the rules Frederick?

MOUTH CLOSED, THE GOTH-CHICK SMILES.

FREDERICK (V.O.)
Permission granted.

COLIN (V.O.)
(confidently)
Well, if I had a body, I would!

THE GOTH-CHICK FIXES HER EYES AHEAD.

FREDERICK (V.O.)
Are you dribbling Colin?

COLIN (V.O)
Oh yes Frederick, I`m dribbling buckets!

FREDERICK (V.O.)
Well just mind you don`t release your ectoplasm.

COLIN (V.O.)
(gulps-high pitched)
I`ll try!

THE GOTH-CHICK`S AMPLE BOOBS STRAIN BENEATH HER TIGHT BASQUE.

COLIN (V.O.)
It`s no good, I`m going for an emergency materialisation!

FREDERICK (V.O.)
Colin, no!

SUDDENLY GOTH-CHICK OPENS HER MOUTH TO REVEAL VAMPIRE-LIKE INCISORS.

FREDERICK (V.O.)
(squeals)
She`s one them! The undead! You`re on your own now lad!

COLIN WALKS OUT FROM THE SHADOWS.

COLIN
Well, that got rid of the old duffer!

COLIN TAKES THE GOTH-CHICK BY THE ARM. AS COLIN AND THE GOTH-CHICK WALK TOWARDS THE KITCHEN DOOR, COLIN TURNS AND SMILES.

COLIN
I always did get the vamp!

EXT. STREET - DAY.

ALLAN WALKS DOWN THE STREET. HE MEETS TONY, WHO CASUALLY LEANS AGAINST A SMALL BRICK WALL.

ALLAN
Hey, Tony, wow, good to see you mate.

TONY
Allan, is that you?

ALLAN
Well if it isn't, some bastard body snatched me.

THEY BOTH LAUGH.

TONY
So, what you been up to?

ALLAN
Not much, not much. I'm just walking down the street, you know, like you do.

TONY
Yeah totally.

ALLAN
So, what about you then?

TONY
Didn't you hear? I died, I'm dead.

ALLAN
Right, right. I remember Jane telling me, yeah. So hows that going for you?

TONY
It's all right. It's got its perks.

ALLAN
Yeah?

TONY
Yeah, I can walk through walls, I can be invisible; if you know what I mean.

ALLAN
(Dirty laugh)
Yeah, cor, I wish I was dead.

TONY
Yeah, I'm real lucky.

ALLAN
How did you die?

TONY
Having sex.

ALLAN
Cor, I wish I was dying.

TONY
I dunno, I was raped by a Nazi and the Nazi had AIDS.

ALLAN
What you mean he had little helpers?

TONY
No, he's not Father Christmas. The sexually transmitted disease, AIDS.

ALLAN
Well that was lucky, you being Jewish 'n all.

TONY
Yeah...

ALLAN
It must've been 'orrible dying of AIDS.

TONY
Oh, I didn't die from AIDS.

ALLAN
No?

TONY
No, I died from a broken heart.

ALLAN
(sniggers)
Puff!

END

LITTLE JIMMY IS IN THE BATH. HIS MUM COMES IN.

MUM : Have you nearly finished?

JIMMY (SHEEPISHLY COVERING HIS GENITALS): Um nearly.

MUM (SUDDENLY DISGUSTED): What's that floating in the bath?

JIMMY : It's um ectoplasm.

MUM : Ectoplasm? Do you think I'm stupid?

JIMMY : Well you did ask.

MUM : Get out of there immediately you dirty little boy. Don't you know you'll go blind?

SHE THROWS A TOWEL AT HIM AND LEAVES THE BATHROOM.

THE ECTOPLASM RISES OUT OF THE BATH AND MAKES THE FORM OF A GHOST.

JIMMY (TO THE GHOST : Thanks a bunch!

THE GHOST LAUGHS.

Well Mr Leevil? Shouldn't this be closed by now????

What about the voting? I haven't got to bale you out again have I???

Sorry - that's not an offer!!!