'stand up?'

Hello again, firstly, forgive my use of bad language, deliberate spelling mistakes, and poor grammar, but I felt it a necessary way to distance myself from the ’other lot’ who live here in Suffolk..(only joking you guys!)

Again, this is part of the same ‘stand up’ I posted earlier, but now I’m not sure what to do with it, I quite like it presented like this..
Any thoughts anyone?? Many thanks. ……ShellyADHDTV

I spend a lot of time in the village pub, apart from Thursdays, when it gets too busy, because that’s when the numbers are drawn in the ‘losely-meat’ raffle.. (First prize winner, receiving a 10lb ‘Bernard Mathews’ turkey… marinated in Detol! )
..and the reason I spend a lot of my time in the village pub, is so that I can be involved in conversations like this;

INT: village pub. Yesterday.

[ MAN WITH BEARDED WIFE;]

So… you come from Ipswich then, eh, ..boy?
I’ve ‘eard it’s getting bloody f**kin’ rough there now,..’

[ME] .. [ Acting like a hard nut;]

‘Yeah, that’s why I had to get out, let the heat die down a bit.’
‘it was turning into a warzone on my estate’..
‘and with my temper.. Well.. Someone was gonna get killed..

(bollocks! …I’d fancied a bigger back garden, so I applied for a council house exchange.)

[ Man with bearded wife;]

‘Nasty alright,’… ‘I’ve ‘eard, you got some big hairy ‘mother-buggers’ loitering with guns, and swords,..

Man with bearded wife, pauses… and thinks about something,for what seems like an eternity…(but was only about 10mins…)

[Man with bearded wife;]

‘…Did you ever get ‘drive-by’ shot at.?’

[ ME;] ..[ still giving it the big numbers;]

‘Oh yeah,.’ ‘I was caught up in all that shit at least six times..‘twice as a driver!…’

[Again; bollocks!.. I might have been ‘caught up’in couple of death stares, with the local hoodies,as they walked past..(probably on way to another mission to wave ‘gang-signs’at the lolly pop lady.]

[ MAN WITH BEARDED WIFE;]
[trying to come across like; 'Tony Montana' but sounding more; 'Tony sultana'}

It can get a bit ‘naughty’round here too boy, don’t you worry ’bout no shit like that… ’

Suddenly, a little light flickered in the Bearded woman’s mind, triggered by some distant memory.. of excitement..

[MAN'S BEARDED WIFE;]

‘Ooh yes dear..’ ‘None of us from these parts, round 'ere's ever likley to forget ‘bout the ‘drive by stabbing’ of 73.’.......

I thought this was very good aswell. Iliked the mother-buggers line and the punch line. If this was a stand up then you would have to give a confident delivery but that shouldn't be a problem. If you get up there, open your mouth, and words fall out, then you'll be find.

you're being so kind to me, be cruel.. or are you being so kind, because this is one of them nigerian 'pay as you go' forums, where one of you keep me talking, whilst the rest, max my credit card out!) sorry, can't help blurting things out, even in print!

Erm cruelty... You smell. Is that better? Can you critique my critique?

Seriously Shelly if it was poor I would say. Like I said if you get the delivery right it will work. Comics with much weaker material have made audiences laugh, its all about being confident with the material. If you expect the audience to laugh they ussually do.

'you smell' doesn't really work, because you obviously can't smell me.. no, try something more... oops, sorry, there I go Critiquing again..

Damn I thought I had a good critique this time, i'll keep trying

sorry if that sounded a bit short, didn't mean it to!

It didn't effect me in the slightest.

EDIT: This is all meant to be taken non-seriously by the way Shelly. Its hard to tell when written down, just incase there was any doubt.

where's the button to use them little faces? i'm not all that hot on computers..

The easiest way to get them is to press the quote button and they are on the side but only enter the * bits or the : ) bits as the javascript appears in the post like this 'javascript:add_emoticon('')
' and remeber to delete the bit in quotes if its not relevant.

nope... didn't understand a word of that, I think i'm still about 2 years away from doing something like that!!

I just went to edit a mistake, and I found them all on that page! all bouncing and acting like nothing had happened, I reckon I'll have to edit more stuff to find them again..

Press the quote button in the bottom righthand corner of this post and it will give you a box that you type in. Then drag the faces which you want to use to the box. Because you pressed the quote button this text will appear in your post if you don't delete it. When you drag a face across it will put this into the text 'javascript:add_emoticon('')
' delete all of the text in the quote untill you are left with just the last word/face. Hope that helps. If you want any more help PM me by pressing the PM button in the bottome left of any of my posts.

Not bad at all!

AH FORGIVE ME - JUST SEEN THAT IT IS MEANT TO BE STAND-UP

I wrote some comments on the basis that it was a sketch, apologies.

But generally, I agree with the comments so far re: good.

I like it