Here's one I really worked hard on and loved. Shame.
JUSTIN: Violence is just like a TV show produced by Simon Cowell; one abominable act just gives way to another. For years schools, politicians and Burt Kwouk from Tenko used to rely on corporal punishment, from the cane, the slipper and even Jamie Oliver. Now apparently forty-nine percent of parents are once more in favour of teachers beating their kids, and not at Scrabble. Not ones to shy away from controversial debate, the Newsnight team have all got Toxoplasmosis so we're doing it. It's Jackchat!
GRAMS: SERIOUS DEBATE MUSIC
JASON: With me on Jackchat tonight is Holistic therapist and author of 'Every Child's a Snowflake', Celina Alabaster. And ex-tabloid hack turned radio Shock Jock for Loughborough FM, Gordon Barnowl. Welcome to you both.
CELINA AND GORDON: Hello, good evening (etc.)
JUSTIN: So Gordon, you'd like to see kids bent over a desk with their pants round their ankles is that right?
GORDON: Absolutely! Look, it's one thing for all you tie-dyed, arty, green-bean liberals to say we need to treat the symptoms in society behind this wave of unruly behaviour, but when it's your dear old mum being nail-bombed by a nine-year-old who's high on coke and kola kubes, I bet my granddad's war medals you'd have a difference of opinion.
JUSTIN: Strong words somewhat amiss there. Celina, do you feel like swearing at all? Bit of controversy never hurts book sales.
CELINA: Well it's only atavistic pensioners and people who think that David Cameron directed Titanic who really believe that bashing kids makes them better people isn't it? It's well documented that beating a kid lowers their eyebrows.
JUSTIN: I heard it was their I.Q.
CELINA: Well there's a link between intelligence and eyebrows, just look at Patrick Moore. And at the other end of the scale, Alistair Darling.
GORDON: Okay Miss lefty-rainbow-hugger, all this pseudo-science may impress the Guardian readers in the audience but I have a question for you.
CELINA: Go on.
GORDON: What does Atavistic mean?
JUSTIN: I think we're veering off the point here.
GORDON: I think the point is that we're so bogged down in the slurry of political correctness that the almighty beast that is common sense has been brought to extinction by a comet of lefty wetness.
SELINA: Yes that's it exactly.
GORDON: You agree with me?
SELINA: No, that's atavism. What you're saying and thinking right there.
JUSTIN: Well we've all learned something this evening and nobody got spanked. So, the exact opposite of parliament then.
